Author: B&#38;S Staff Page 7 of 9

By Liv Hage

Thursday:

In a historic first for Grinnell College, the schoolwide menace known as the “Demon Cat” has been registered as an official emotional support animal. This decision makes the Demon Cat (now affectionately named Silly Noodle) the first non-animal/human entity to become an emotional support animal. On Friday, the Coordinator of Student Disability Resources Gruyeré Wheeler issued a statement stating that “the ruling to register the ‘Demon-Cat’ as an emotional support animal was made with the utmost concern and care for the student population’s wellbeing—we expect that this pairing will greatly benefit the greater Grinnell community, and hopefully stop the ‘Demon Cat’ from shitting in the vents”.

Concerts Returns to Campus

By Josh Payong

GARDNER LOUNGE – In response to popular demand, Grinnell’s SGA finally pooled together the necessary $126.22 to invite the first visiting band of this year to play for the students: Crawling Charleston.

The alternative indie postmodern garage-pop funkster heavy grunge new folk psychobilly band first rose to prominence in 2021 with the release of their hit album, “I’m so sad, I’m so very very sad”. This album, which topped the charts for a whole 3 minutes, includes some incredibly highly acclaimed tracks, such as: “So Sad”, “I Hit a Newborn with My 1967 Volkswagen Microbus and my Divorce is Messy, but That’s Okay”, and “Scorpio”.

New “Special Room Draw” System—Everything You Need to Know

By Amelia Vrieze

As well as the acronyms for class year and semester designation that have been used in the past (FR1, JR2, etc.), there are also quite a few new acronyms in the Special Room Draw chart this year that students should familiarize themselves with. If there’s one thing this college loves, it’s acronyms, so you should have no trouble adding these to your vocabulary.

New “Pure and Chaste Harris” Shakes things up during Kink

By Edie Worrell

HARRIS CENTER— After hearing that QPOC’s (formally SHIC’s) “Kink Gardner,” was to take place on the night of March 8th, Grinnell’s newly-formed Temperance Association decided to throw their own, more tame party for the campus’s voluntarily celibate students. “Pure and Chaste Harris” took place that same Friday night—and according to some Temperance Association members–was a huge success!

Binston Swongo Wins SGA Election with Landslide Victory of Both Votes

By Bohdin Bright

JRC — The great game-show wheel of the sky has come up in March once again, and students from across Grinnell College are, as usual, completely ignoring the SGA elections. But little do they realize that they are living in a legend, an inflection point around which the entire axis of history will turn, a moment that future generations will look back upon for thousands of years to come; Binston Swongo has been elected as president of the SGA.

Running on a platform of national unity and strong leadership, Swongo’s natural charisma and impassioned speeches won the hearts – and votes – of the only two people who bothered to attend the debates, neither of whom were the other candidates. When questioned about his missing opponents, Swongo instead launched into a speech about how he would legalize open carry because “it would be pretty funny.”

Noyce Stolen by Bike Thieves: Campus Safety Mobilized

By Jude Morgan

JRC—Early this past Monday, students residing in South Residence halls were rudely awoken to the shouts of horror as stem professors were greeted with the empty crater where Noyce once stood. It is believed around 2 A.M. the night prior, a group of armed vandals had managed to lift and carry the entirety of Noyce Science Center off of its foundations and away from campus. An official statement released from the Grinnell Department of Defense indicates this event could be linked to the local militant group of bike thieves, who have been operating in the area for many months now, reinvigorated by the cold weather and wide selection of bikes.

Campus Health Report: Brazilian Butt Lifts Come to Campus

By Catherine Terelak

JRC 101—Grinnell College Weekend’s Spa Night event took a dark turn at approximately 7:47 p.m. when Dr. Franklin Jablinski (a.k.a., the Botox King of Central Iowa), arrived in his Plumping Van and started hawking his wares. “We got B.B.L.’s!” he shouted from the sidewalk. “We can do it right in the back of my van! One hundred percent your own stomach fat pumped back into your ass! Forty-five percent non-rejection rate!”

When questioned by B&S correspondents, Weekend coordinators had no memory of inviting Dr. Jablinski to Spa Night. The Botox King himself freely admitted that he had not been contracted by the college: “I just find myself drawn to places where people are suffering from flat asses. I think I’m sorta like Mother Teresa, in that way.”

Awkward: You Saw Your Lab Partner at Kink Gardner

By Chris Cardenas

GARDNER LOUNGE–Seeing your classmates on Monday after a weekend at Kink Gardner can feel uncomfortably degrading. You make eye contact with the guy who you ate whipped cream off of while dressed up in a slutty Che Guevara costume, and suddenly, the idea of getting a well-rounded education at a small liberal arts college doesn’t sound quite so appealing anymore.

Nervous, you try to imagine that everyone in the room is naked, but your mind suddenly shifts to a vivid image of Professor Dinkler wearing nothing but chains, gleaming under the fluorescent lights. “I know you want to seize these means of reproduction,” he utters to you in the depths of your hallucination, shoving your Applied Sociology textbooks on the floor. “I have nothing to lose but these chains.” Thankfully, this discomforting daydream comes to an end as he cold calls you. You just hope he won’t ask to meet you in his office after class.

B&S Investigation: The HSSC is Missing