By Edie Worrell

HARRIS CENTER— After hearing that QPOC’s (formally SHIC’s) “Kink Gardner,” was to take place on the night of March 8th, Grinnell’s newly-formed Temperance Association decided to throw their own, more tame party for the campus’s voluntarily celibate students. “Pure and Chaste Harris” took place that same Friday night—and according to some Temperance Association members–was a huge success!

Attendees showed up in their most modest outfits–with many sporting stylish turtlenecks and multiple layers of long underwear. Party favors included free chastity belts and promise rings given to the lucky early arrivers! Harris party volunteers went around with whistles, blowing them at any dancing attendees who were not leaving enough room for the Holy Spirit. Because of this, the party was very spread out, with students being asked to “spin around in a circle with their arms extended” to ensure that they were not in the vicinity of any others. The soundtrack for the evening included Kidz Bop, Weezer, Radiohead, and of course, Modest Mouse. 

Refreshments, including water and holy water (sparkling or flat), were served. Snacks included communion wafers and Funyuns, as well as hard biscuits. When one of our reporters here at the B&S cursed during the conversation, a student volunteer was quick to jump in and force him to put a dollar in the “swear jar.” A confession booth –much like GUM’s on 10/10, was set up near the stage, and when I told the priest behind the curtain about my increasingly codependent-homoerotic friendship that’s been, if I’m honest, really weighing on me recently guys, he politely asked me to leave.

Grinnell’s Temperance Association told B&S reporters that the future of modesty at the college is looking bright. In the future, they plan to hold more events, such as a screening of “Girl Defined’s” best videos, an Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament Night, and a Mormon soaking orgy. Though the party started at 7 pm, by 9 pm the lights came on and everyone was asked to leave, as the party was over since it was “past [the Temperance members] bedtimes.” I, for one, was happy to go home, take a warm shower, and watch some of The L Word before my early night-in!