By Henry Coen
MACY HOUSE—When S&B Editor-in-Chief Goffrey Joldberg ’25 awoke to see himself added to a Handshake group chat titled “Endowment PC small group”, he doubted their authenticity. Yet as he continued receiving messages from top officials like Mashley Madams, Steve Oldhotel, and finally Anne Harris herself, Geoffrey realized he had been mistakenly added to a private group chat discussing plans for the endowment. Below, we publish screenshots of the text exchange:
By Sarah Reif
As the administration faces continued calls to discontinue the Pioneer mascot, archivists Irene Acker and Agatha Murphy recently discovered a new piece of Grinnell College history. While struggling to escape from the basement of Burling, the adorable elderly women uncovered more mascots of our school’s past than anyone dared imagine.
According to the archivists, these have included characters such as “Thomas the Peeping Tom”, “The Boeing 737 MAXs”, “Rush Limbaugh”, and an attempt at inclusion from 2005 called “The Colorblind Warrior Allies Against Ignorance”. But amid this litany of horrors, archivists uncovered a gem: Poxy.
By James Applegate
Recently, Grinnell’s Cheery Checkers were astonished to discover in D-Hall a newborn child—swaddled in branded napkins, slick with afterbirth, and fast in the throes of a tranquil nap.
Just days later, at last Thursday’s Scholar’s Convocation, titled “The New Strategic Plan: Gromelas”, Anne Harris announced sweeping changes to the Strategic Plan. The school has decided to sacrifice this “D-Hall baby” to save Grinnell from the turbulence of the next four years (and also for all eternity). The move comes amid of storm of problems, including fears about the deportation of international students, potential loss of student financial aid, a threatened debilitating endowment tax, national attacks on campus free speech, the Grinnsmell, and the gray salami in the charcuterie bento boxes.
By Dale Bell
Albright Hall: marble floors, ensuite bathrooms, a live-in on-call butler for each floor’s residential needs. You may never have heard of this seemingly mythical dorm, but Burke Blakeson, incoming Class of 2029, has, in fact, and its state of the art facilities are one of the primary reasons he’s decided to attend Grinnell.
Rumors of a “second Grinnell” have surfaced several times in recent months, as students have reported hearing construction noises and seeing the apparition of a “mirror college” floating in the mist somewhere beyond the Bear.
By James Applegate
SPENCER GRILL—“Do I contradict myself? Then I contradict myself. I am large; I contain multitudes.” Tarif Egpreis gives me a knowing wink. “And in the diversity of those multitudes, I’ve found real culinary beauty.”
I had just asked Egpreis, the Spencer Grill’s new permanent Resident Innovator, about the inspiration behind the Grill’s new charcuterie bento boxes. Egpreis is the Grill’s first such Innovator-in-Permanent-Residence after the position was created last semester along with a similar position at the Global Café. When students returned to campus last fall, the price hikes at the Spencer Grill and Global Café provoked widespread fury and mass hysteria. But few are aware of the incredible return on investment that these prices have given us, which fund the six-figure salaries of both new Innovator positions.
By Josh Emrys Payong
“Hastily taking shelter from those tempestuous winds, I found myself in a building so eerily unfamiliar, so profoundly…gothic,” recounts Kayleigh Lunaglow ‘28, “strange rocks in glass cases…the twisting and turning of the layout so reminiscent of the forests of Brockden Brown’s winding frontier wilderness…I was completely out of my depth.”
Lunaglow’s recent publication through the Grinnell Press, A Saga of Stars and Substrates (endearingly abbreviated to SoSaS by the two people that manage its Fandom page), follows her coincidental journey into what we know as the Noyce Science Center. But to an English major like her, it was a land of complete mystery, chock-full of weird symbols and outlandish implications of future employment.
By Catherine Terelak
CRSSJ PRAYER GARAGE—After drawing criticism from local Jewish and Indigenous communities for her recent Purim Powwow Interfaith Jamboree, Grinnell’s new associate chaplain Reverend Polyester Decrease is on a mission to reassert her position as the number one peacebuilder and bridgemaker on campus. In another exclusive interview frantically arranged by her PR team of therapy dogs, Reverend Decrease describes the recent failure of her Adored Fellowship Bible Study and her exciting plans to re-envision the program.
By Elke Calhoun
Y/N’s perfect glossy high pony swayed perfectly in time to the beat of her steps as her black lace-up high heel boots clacked across the cobblestones of Grinnell Proper. She had picked these boots today, of course, out of practicality. She had slayed many a foul beast in these high heel boots because she wasn’t like other the other whorish girls her age and didn’t give a fuck about her appearance. Her perfectly shaped boo-ta-ta bounced as she glided gracefully, hugged beautifully by her galaxy print leggings.
By Bella Takata
Hey Dale,
I know it’s been a week or two, but do you remember when Anne Harris visited Lazier 3rd? I want to say it was March 5th, probably in the late afternoon or so.
My best,
– Bella Takata
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