Grinnell's Bastion of Journalistic Integrity

Month: March 2023 Page 1 of 2

Phishing Scam Email Forces Students To Join Grinnell Football Team

By Carter Ottele

BEAR– More than a dozen students claim they unknowingly joined the Grinnell football team by opening a cryptic email in their Outlook inbox. The students allege that when they clicked on the email, their names were automatically added to the Pioneers’ roster. 

For context, Grinnell football has struggled with enrollment in recent years. Although the team holds a glorious history—it placed third in the inaugural Super Bowl, and Tom Brady once called the Pioneers “the only team [he] was ever afraid of”—the team has been challenged by injuries and low participation. Following a 2019 defeat against Grinnell Middle School, the team decided to suspend the rest of the season and “reassess its priorities”. 

Since resuming play, the team has seen mixed results. Team leaders have repeatedly stressed, however, that boosting enrollment would push the team to the next level—or, as the team’s t-shirts say, to “level up”.

Mack Eroni ’26, one of the alleged victims of the email, says that the scam represents a clear attempt to expand the team’s lineup. 

Grinnell Sex Cult Makes Resurgence, Causes Statewide Olive Shortage

By David Gales

MCNALLY’S GENERAL STORE – This week, students and townsfolk alike noticed a strange stocking issue: the olives are all gone. A quick drive to Walmart, Fairway, and Hy-Vee will confirm that this is not a McNally’s-centric problem. All over Grinnell, the olives have mysteriously disappeared. “It’s like they’ve been swallowed up by some kind of olive-loving monster,” Herrick Harrick, general manager of Grinnell Fairway Supercenter, said in an interview. “All the suppliers are out of stock, too. It’s truly bizarre.” 

Over the past week, the state has been swept by an olive shortage, and grocers and restaurants alike are struggling to keep up with the demand. Soon enough, people began to ask questions, and as Grinnell’s bastion of journalistic integrity, the B&S launched a comprehensive investigation into the matter. So, sit back, relax, lean forward in anticipation, and join me as I go undercover to get to the bottom of the most devastating supply chain crisis the state of Iowa has ever seen.  

The paper trail was not hard to follow, at the beginning. It was clear that the grocers were being cut off from their suppliers by someone who was able to get there first–someone who had powerful friends, insider knowledge, or a meticulous plan. Stranger still, the shipping manifests indicated that all of the olives were being bought up by a local client on the Grinnell campus. 

Global Cafe Review: You’ll Pay $17 For a Dirty Chai and You’ll Like It, You Filthy Slut

By Anna Lipari

HSSC– Picture this: it’s Monday, 10:03 AM. The world outside is bleary, half-awake and choked with dirty snow. Taking shelter in the HSSC atrium, you remember that the Global Cafe exists. You eye the selection of treats. It’s halfway through the semester, and you’ve still got dining dollars to burn. You deserve this, you think to yourself, but the woman behind the counter looks you up and down with a curled lip when you approach. “Can I help you?” she asks.

“Could I get a dirty chai, please?” 

“Hmm.” She raises an eyebrow. “I bet you want a dirty chai, slut.”

“Excuse me?”

“You want a dirty, filthy, nasty chai, huh? You want to spend $13 on a perverted, degenerate chai latte. How much do you make at that satire rag, $9.25 an hour? You want to spend 14% of your weekly income on a naughty little chai, don’t you?”

“I’m paying with dining dollars,” you protest, and she sneers. 

“As if that makes it any better. Do you really think your grandparents immigrated to a country whose language they barely spoke to labor and save for their children’s children’s futures so that you could spend their hard-won money on a $14 dirty chai?”

Opinion: Here’s What You Can Do to Survive the Leprechaun Pantsing Epidemic

By Ky Klassen

What I’m about to share with you is the story of historically accurate institutional entity that I, in all of my naivety, had hastily presumed was a myth. Malarky, if you will, created by an elderly alum to scare off new students and relive their glory days of wreaking havoc on Grinnell. Unfortunately for me and the rest of the Grinnell College campus, I was incorrect. I’m sorry, Grinnell. My apology to you lies within me sharing this story. I wish to attempt to save as many students as I possibly can from experiencing what I have witnessed. Because, as much as I don’t want them to be, these things are very much alive and running rampant on our campus today.

How I became aware of their presence, however, begins on a normal Monday. It started with a simple walk back to my dorm from the HSSC. The route that I take from the HSSC to south campus is not the most optimal one and, in fact, involves a detour through Noyce. This is for many reasons: I’m a wimp when it comes to the cold, I’m scared of the dark, and in reality I like to count as many nerf darts as I can find that remain from that previous Friday.

After making my way through the dimly lit hallways of Noyce, about twenty steps from the door, I noticed there was a man walking just in front of me. It was weird to see another person as it was an ungodly hour to be seen in a science building. “What a studious guy”, I thought, just before it happened.

Student Clubs Struggle with Budget Betrayal

By Ethan Hughes

JRC– The “week of Hell” has come, and some Grinnellians are finding it more hellish than usual. The Student Government Association has required that all clubs create and submit their budget for next year by March 17th. While the B&S just assigned one of our many unpaid interns to the task, we have been informed that other student organizations don’t have that luxury. 

In the past, club budgets have been loosely regulated, and money has been given out all willy-nilly for stuff like snacks, games and sacrificial goats. This year, SGA and the administration have announced plans to cut down. Grinnell has already trimmed wasteful spending on CAs, downsizing to one for North one for East and two for South campus, the troublemakers. Plus, Dhall operational costs have been lowered by limiting vegetarian options to just raw carrots, shuttering the upstairs dining area and skimming hours off of workers’ pay. Now, administration embarks on a push to root up corruption and abuse from student organizational funds. 

The administration has now declared that “due to inflammation, [sic] all student organizations will have to thoroughly justify their purchases and that every penny must be thoroughly accounted for.” Clubs can earn deductions from the limited pool of money for their dependents and for every hundred dollars of tuition money they bring in.

Campus Crows Are Actually Students Receiving Free Room And Board

By Carter Ottele

Corvid cases are spiking in Poweshiek County this semester, as an enormous flock of crows has descended upon Grinnell College’s campus. Roosting en masse in East Campus’s tree branches, the boisterous birds spend the whole day—and much of the night—squawking furiously at their avian brethren.

However, a shocking new allegation this week suggests that the crows’ emo aesthetic may be a mere disguise for something more serious. A manifesto written on the ceiling of the Burling Third bathroom claims that in fact, the crows house the spirits of Grinnell College students. In exchange for corporal imprisonment inside a bird, the transmogrified students receive free room and board as well as a 50% tuition discount. 

“The crows are real,” reads one part of the cryptic manifesto. “The crows are YOU. So go the crows, so goes the school.” At the bottom, the message is signed by “Deepthroat.”

Meg Plant, a Residence Life Coordinator for the College, seemed to confirm the theory. “There are….how to put this…alternative methods for funding a college education,” explained Plant. Work-study programs are more familiar to the public, but for students willing to try something adventurous, “interspecies morphological transformation” is a viable option.

On The Psychology of Laundry-Leavers

By Bella Nesbeth

GRINNELL, IOWA – Every student knows the unfortunate moment when they carve two hours out of their busy Grinnell schedules and lug their laundry baskets down to the basement of their residence hall just for there to be no open machines. In fact, some of the machines have the same clothes in them as last week! They weigh their options. Wait, accept defeat, or remove someone else’s soggy boxers from the machine. All three options are inconvenient. At the B&S, the pinnacle of journalistic integrity, we decided to get to the bottom of this mystery. Why do people leave their laundry in the machines? 

B&S reporters canvassed south campus, the residence hall where all of Grinnell’s anomalies live, and interviewed the first three students that were dumb enough to make eye contact with us. 

Our first victim was Maddie Beamer, class of ’26. Beamer, clad in mismatched socks and contradicting patterns, seemed to be wearing the outfit of someone who was currently doing laundry. 

B&S: Maddie, do you ever leave your laundry in the machines for an extended period of time? 

MB: No! I would never do that!

An Insider Look At 100 Days

HIGH STREET–This week, many Grinnell fourth-years enjoyed a longstanding tradition of the institution. The 100 Days party marks (approximately) 100 days until graduation and represents, for many of the graduating class, a last chance to drink, revel, and finally lock lips with any long-standing crushes. Traditionally, 100 Days has used a wristband system, allowing students to mark whether they are interested in being approached to make out or are boring pussies. This year, party organizers decided to expand the system, incorporating several different colors of wristband. The B&S sent two undercover journalists to the event, and were able to deduce much of the system. Wristband options included:

  • Single
  • Taken
  • Taken but available to make out
  • Taken but looking for something better
  • Ask me about my elaborate philosophy on ethical non-monogamy
  • Available to make out if you can answer my riddles three
  • I have mono (individuals with this wristband will be asked to only swap spit with others wearing the same wristband)
  • I have COVID (same policy as above. Individuals with COVID are asked to “maybe stay home if you can, but like, it’s whatever.”)
  • I’m a biter
  • T4T
  • Available to make out but only if you can tell me where you were on the night of February 22nd, 2022 and corroborate your alibi with at least two witnesses
  • Bi-curious, but only if my boyfriend can watch
  • 0 title IX convictions
  • Taken but available to play a friendly game of Magic: The Gathering
  • On October 8th, 2014 I was involved in a hit-and-run car accident 5 miles North of Cody, Wyoming. My heart stopped beating for 35 seconds. My life was saved by a bystander, who called 911 and performed CPR. I never got their name, but I remember that they were wearing a fuchsia colored baseball cap. If you know this person, please help me find them and thank them for this second chance at life.
  • Single and available to play a sexually charged game of Magic: The Gathering
  • It’s complicated

Union Resorts To 1920s Tactics

By Ethan Hughes

Last Monday an explosion rocked Grinnell College. Students and staff alike flocked to the HSSC windows, staring at the smoking crater where the Kington Plaza sign once was. No one exited from Noyce to investigate because nothing can interrupt a lab.

Grinnell administration reported that the incident was caused by a leaky gas line, an explanation widely accepted by students and faculty, because it made sense. However, the B&S has received confidential confirmation that this was no accident. A discrete brick was delivered through our window with a note attached claiming the attack on the Plaza. For future reference the B&S would prefer correspondence to be in either email or carrier pigeon. The note read:

“The Union planted the bomb that blew up Kington’s sign, it wasn’t a gas leak.”

Anne Harris Guest Column: Why You Should Thank Me For Making You Pay More

By Anne Harris (Edited by Conrad Dahm)

Yeah, that’s right. I’m back. Since no one returned my damn nutcracker, I decided to pull a practical joke on YOU! That’s right, I’m raising tuition by $4,000, and guess what? There’s nothing you can do about it. In fact, you should thank me for raising tuition. Do you know why? Because I am the greatest President to ever walk the grounds of Grinnell College and deserve your money. I’m really nice and could raise it by more but I’m not. This shows my generosity to you ungrateful fucks. Since I can’t get any work done due to all your complaints, I’m going to write a brief article about why you should thank me for making you pay more.

First off, this will benefit the administration immensely. With this new money, I am going to finally upgrade the administrative offices in Nollen House and elsewhere. For example, we currently only have two spas there! Can you believe it? It’s frankly unacceptable that we must live in these conditions. For the administration to administrate, we need to have high-quality conditions. Also, I think I deserve a raise. I’m just going to say it. Why do I need one? None of your damn business.

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