Author: B&S Staff Page 1 of 3

By Josh Emrys Payong

The nation finds itself in the midst of waves upon waves of budget cuts to essential research funding. Nowhere have these cuts hit harder than Grinnell College’s MAP program, wherein projects across all departments have had to leave students just as unemployed as they would have been if they didn’t kiss their professor’s ass while taking up all of the class’ discussion time. Now they have to learn to chud out by spending a full work week unlocking the new Druid Paragon on BTD6 like the rest of us.

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By Maya Comer

The Department of Theater, Dance, and Performance Studies (TDPS) has announced the mainstage productions for the upcoming school year. “We have a great lineup set up,” says Bennifer Quaked, who is directing two of the three shows. “We’ll be first holding a staged reading of Through the Bulletin Board, the famous anti-musical.” A poll of Grinnell’s theater nerds (n = 2) revealed that none of them had heard of the supposedly famous show, nor were they sure what an ‘anti-musical’ even was. When a B&S reporter relayed this information to Prof. Quaked, she rolled her eyes. “It was the biggest hit at the 2008 Port Moresby Inter-Transnational Performance Art Showcase. Absolutely redefined the anti-musical genre. Looks like somebody wasn’t paying attention in my Intro to Performance Studies class.”

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By Carter Ottele

Gladys Pillsbury has had enough of your bullshit.

“I’m tired of people perceiving me like a relic,” says Gladys in a quiet, husky voice, with a twang that reveals her rural North Carolina upbringing. “I might be old, but I can still participate in lots of activities. And my mind is sharper than a wild boar’s tusk.”

For this year’s B&S senior interview, I spoke with Gladys in her home: a cluttered but comfy apartment in the Mayflower Community. Allergic to most pets and widowed for 22 years, Gladys lives on her own. She insisted, though, that she never grows lonely.

“It’s a community. I live with all sorts of exciting, engaging, titillating characters—yes, I know what that word means. There’s Raymond and Phyllis next door, and they’re always a great time. Phyllis makes this spiked prune juice that is just lovely. Then the next morning, I tend to wake up in the oddest of places: Broad Street, the Old Glove Factory, once even in Mitchellville.

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By Anna Lipari

HERRICK CHAPEL– The college is facing criticism from seniors who didn’t realize they’d need to hang onto that silver coin they received freshman year in order to graduate. When the President was asked about the policy, she stated, “I don’t know what everyone’s complaining about. It was clearly stated at the bottom of the student campus memo on January 5, 2020 that starting with the class of ‘23, all students would need to exchange one GrinnellCoin for their diploma. Are you telling me you haven’t been reading the memos? That figures– no one’s claimed the free scholarship the college offered at the end of the memo from April 23, 2015 yet.” 

The revelation has left many seniors scrambling to fulfill this final requirement. Graduating economics major Josie Plimpton says that expecting seniors to hold on to the coin is ridiculous. “Nobody kept that thing. I used mine in a vending machine two weeks into my freshman year. I was swimming in fruit snacks for months.” In order to graduate, she plans to buy a new coin off a freshman: “One of the residents in my hall offered to give me his for five bucks. I didn’t tell him what for, exactly, but I’m a CA, so they trust me. I guess he’ll have to figure it out himself in three years, if he doesn’t drop out before then.” 

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By Catherine Terelak

This Decision Season, the B&S has teamed up with the Department of Admissions to address prospective parents’ burning questions about life at Grinnell College. Submitted anonymously, each of the questions selected for publication addresses a core aspect of the Grinnell experience, and we at the B&S have tried to answer as honestly as possible. 

Q: Do students have sex?

A: Yes.

Q: Are there drugs on campus?

A: Yes.

Q: What’s the drinking culture like?

A: Yes. 

Q: Are you drunk right now?

A: *gurgling noises* 

Q: What’s the food like in the Dining Hall?

A: It’s served three times a day, trough-style. Typically, you have your dry feeds, your slops, and your giblets. Cold gruel is available all week, but Sunday is Hot Gruel Day! The line is a mile long and you have to perform a special dance to get your food. 

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By Conrad Dahm

HSSC– Due to a lack of rooms on campus, Grinnell College is instituting a new policy to help remedy the problem. Yesterday, the College unveiled a “state of the art” magnet curfew system on campus.   

“The system itself is simple. All students will be provided with magnetized Grinnell-branded attire. At midnight, magnets installed on the ceilings of academic and residential buildings will turn on, and students will be stuck to the ceiling until 7 AM the next morning. This will help not only with the room problem but will also help students get more sleep,” said Joe Rosenfield Noyce, the President of the Grinnell College Magnet Committee. 

“I actually kind of like the idea. You know, under the old system my single was turned into a quad, and there was barely room to step between the desks and bunks. Moving our beds to the ceiling opens up a lot more space, and it might actually be fun,” said one student. 

However, opinions about the magnetization program are far from unanimous. While in the HSSC this morning, a B&S reporter found the following letter written by a student and have, in the interest of journalistic integrity and because it’s less work than writing our own stuff, decided to publish it: 

“As I write this letter, it is currently 6:55AM. Last night, I was studying late in the HSSC at 12AM. I was about to leave, but it was too late, the magnets turned on and I was pulled to the Atrium ceiling, three floors up. I know I should have gone to bed, but I had an essay due! I’ve tried to yell for help, I’ve yelled for hours, but no one heard me. I guess they’d all gone to bed…

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