By Anna Lipari

HERRICK CHAPEL– The college is facing criticism from seniors who didn’t realize they’d need to hang onto that silver coin they received freshman year in order to graduate. When the President was asked about the policy, she stated, “I don’t know what everyone’s complaining about. It was clearly stated at the bottom of the student campus memo on January 5, 2020 that starting with the class of ‘23, all students would need to exchange one GrinnellCoin for their diploma. Are you telling me you haven’t been reading the memos? That figures– no one’s claimed the free scholarship the college offered at the end of the memo from April 23, 2015 yet.” 

The revelation has left many seniors scrambling to fulfill this final requirement. Graduating economics major Josie Plimpton says that expecting seniors to hold on to the coin is ridiculous. “Nobody kept that thing. I used mine in a vending machine two weeks into my freshman year. I was swimming in fruit snacks for months.” In order to graduate, she plans to buy a new coin off a freshman: “One of the residents in my hall offered to give me his for five bucks. I didn’t tell him what for, exactly, but I’m a CA, so they trust me. I guess he’ll have to figure it out himself in three years, if he doesn’t drop out before then.” 

Other students have turned to DIY. Physics major Henri Ennui plans to utilize the makerspace to forge his own silver coin out of scrap metal scrounged from campus cars: “I saw my chance after the hailstorm and headed out there with a crowbar and a baseball bat.” History major Amanda South told the B&S she’s sure she can get by with a ball of really shiny gum wrappers: “They’re definitely not going to check them that closely, right?” 

Chemistry major Ike Michael isn’t so certain. “I know it has to be mine,” he told the B&S reporters who caught him attempting to escape the dining hall with pockets full of stolen bread. “They’ll be able to tell if it isn’t. But in my foolhardy youth, I wagered my silver coin on the outcome of a duel with a powerful wizard. I was so confident in my own magical skill that I got cocky. But as our battle raged on for many days and nights atop Gates Tower, and as my strength waned, I realized I had made a terrible mistake. With a final bolt of lightning she struck me down from the tower, and left me lying, humiliated, in the mud, with my silver coin in her pocket. For the past three years I’ve been training to confront her once more and win my coin back. I leave tonight. If you don’t see me again, know that I died with honor.” Michael then hopped the DHall fence and vanished into the night. An off-the-record interview with Michael’s academic adviser revealed that Michael is on track to fail three classes this semester, making him ineligible for a spring 2023 graduation. 

When asked what options remain for seniors who have lost their coins, academic affairs released a statement suggesting students “are too old to need their hands held like this” and suggesting that they “grow up and deal with it,” before clarifying that they would accept one Bitcoin as a substitute for a lost silver medallion, stating, “we’ll even throw in your admission file while we’re at it.” Seniors are also reminded that anyone remaining in dorm buildings by 5:00 PM on the day of graduation may be fined, detained, or ground up into next fall’s Iowa Ham Balls.