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Month: February 2023 Page 1 of 2

Meet Grinnella GoForth, the American Girl Doll of the Year 2023!

By Catherine Terelak

Grinnella GoForth is a brooding intellectual from the wealthy suburbs of a major American city who has come all the way to Central Iowa to gain a top-notch liberal arts education. You’ll find her sitting in Saints Rest for hours without buying anything, taking long walks in the cornfields with one of her many polyamorous lovers, and reading theory on the third and fourth floors of Burling, where it’s private. 

Whether it’s Hawkeye or Natty Lite, Grinnella loves drinking. But can she find a way to kick it on High Street without jeopardizing her academic future as a sociology-theater double major with a concentration in film studies? It’s going to take some help from her three academic advisors and her friends at SHAW for Grinella to raise her GPA above   2.1 and save her spot on the synchronized swimming team. After all, the stars don’t touch themselves—Grinnella does. 

Dear B&S: Can I Hook Up With My Prospie’s Mom?

By Binston Swongo (Edited by Anna Lipari)

Dear Binston Swongo

First of all, I’ve never had any romantic or sexual aspirations towards any of the prospective students I’ve hosted over my three years here. They’re nervous kids, no matter how cool they try to act, and the power dynamic between a prospie and their host makes it totally inappropriate to hook up. It’s never the prospies. It’s their parents.

I met Cheryl yesterday when she and her son came for an admitted students campus tour. She’s tall and gorgeous, with chunky blonde highlights in her hair and a purposeful stride. Her bold confidence drew me to her immediately; though her son hung back, she pinned me to the snow-swept sidewalk with her icy blue eyes and introduced herself with a firm handshake before launching into a barrage of detailed questions. “Do you know how my son can get credit for both AP and IB classes?” she asked, and butterflies rose in my stomach as I stammered out that I wasn’t sure. 

I think she returns my attraction. “You’re a bright young man,” she told me at the conclusion of the tour, after interrogating me about my major, my roommate, my work history, my GPA, and my opinion on the food in the dining hall. Each question laid bare another segment of my soul, but I didn’t mind. I wanted nothing more than to be utterly exposed before her, to throw myself at her feet (clad in sensible new-balance sneakers) and beg for her praise. “I think my son could really learn a lot from you,” Cheryl told me, and every part of my body swelled with joy.

Grinnell Announces New Mad-STEM Majors

By Dale Bell

GRINNELL, IA—Early yesterday, Grinnell Administration announced that they will be introducing several new mad-STEM major departments. Many have lauded this move as a reinvigoration of Grinnell’s sciences, and a recommitment to the pursuit of mad scientific knowledge.

“I think, honestly, that this decision was long overdue,” says Dr. Cregor Straum, a newly hired Professor of mad-Biology. “Mad-STEM instruction in U.S. higher education is generally lacking, so Grinnell’s decision is surely a step in the right direction. All across the U.S. most students have never taken an intro-level bioweapons class, created genetically modified chimeric beasts with a taste for human blood, or even reanimated a corpse.”

According to Administration officials, new majors and departments will include mad-Biology, mad-Chemistry, mad-Physics, Computer Science, mad-Environmental Science, and mad-Psychology. All of the mad-STEM majors will have entirely new curricula, with the exception of mad-Psychology, the curriculum of which will consist of a regular Psychology course from the 1930s. Mad-STEM courses, starting immediately, will be held in the Underrealm’s parallel-Noyce, accessible through the several Nerf-made holes in the walls.

An Evening With Selden Lincoln Whitcomb

By Catherine Terelak Selden Whitcomb 

The Selden Lincoln Whitcomb Essay Prize, awarded every spring to a promising young writer of the Grinnellian ilk, is a great honor. But what, pray tell, is honor? Is it a shiny trophy for the shelf in your inner room? A bronze plaque inscribed with your name, set out in the town square for all to see? A crisp promissory note for five hundred greenback dollars? 

I, Selden Lincoln Whitcomb, in my wise and agéd state, posit that honor is none of those things. Any distinction without the commensurate sacrifice, my children, is no honor at all. Honor is, rather, the sweat on your brow. Honor is the grit beneath your fingernails. Honor is the smell of hot coals in the morning. Honor is a piss in the cold. Honor is, above all, the loamy afterbirth on the scalp of a child conceived in love. 

Before I present the winner of the two thousand twenty-three Selden Lincoln Whitcomb Essay Prize, I believe it is only proper to commence with a brief telling of my own personal history, which will illuminate this conception of honor which I have lately elucidated and, more importantly, lend a greater meaning to the award itself. I, Selden Lincoln Whitcomb, consider myself an American of the most original order. A man for the history books. In my one hundred sixty-two years, I have borne witness to—and, aye, committed—every inhumane act known to this thoroughly inhuman age. I have traveled as far as the human spirit is permitted by reason to go, and I have traveled further yet. Be silent and listen, my children. You will learn much, much, much from my tale. 

ACLU Weighs In After Grinnell Says It “Can’t Afford” Free Speech

By Carter Ottele

Following Grinnell College’s claim that it “can’t afford” free speech, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) released a statement on Thursday criticizing the College and calling for the immediate revocation of the College’s new policies, calling them a “really stupid misunderstanding.”

Two weeks prior, Grinnell had published a set of reforms designed to limit speech on campus. Citing the high rate of inflation, the rules included:

  • A 1,000 word per day limit for each student
    • A $1 fine for every word in excess of the limit
  • A 4,000 word per day limit for each professor
    • A $1 fine for every word in excess of the limit
  • A quota for different strains of political speech. All spoken or written materials must be at least 20% liberal, 20% conservative, 10% socialist, and 10% anarchist
    • A $50 fine for any material failing to meet these requirements
  • A strict prohibition on the word “hate” (except when used in quotes to inform about the rule)
  • The designation of five “speech-free” zones around campus
  • A $2,500 tuition hike designated as a “press fee” to continue letting newspapers operate
  • A limit of one “fuck” per manuscript

The Button’s Dark Secrets Revealed

By Gabby Hernandez

HSSC– The room was packed. Anytime someone entered the room all eyes turned towards them. The look in their eyes… was it lust? Desire? Judgment? Actually, it could not have been judgment because everyone was there for the same reason: to find love. 

In an all-county email, the College’s student group Banker, Accountant, Badger (BAB) advertised this event based off of the hit game show, The Button. When the B&S spoke with the BAB President, Officer Marley Janet `26, it came to light that there was only one person to sign-up via the survey in the email. 

“It was really disheartening, actually,” said Janet, “I didn’t linger on that disappointment for long, though. The sadness turned into a blind rage, which eventually turned into reckless abandon to make this event work.” 

To recruit more participants, Janet sought help from all College faculty, SHAW, ITS, and Dining Hall’s best door guard, Marlene Anderson. Each member of faculty was instructed to harshly grade all assignments until The Button event, and offer an extra-credit to those that would attend. All SHAW policies were altered so that all incoming patients were required to attend this event before seeing a professional, and all patients seeking to terminate care were required to attend the event before they were allowed to do so. 

CLS Updates Cover Letter Handout

By Javy Rommel-Ruiz

JOHN CRYSTAL CENTER– As the Spring semester commences, fourth-years are frantically searching for jobs while other students scavenge for unfilled summer internships and MAPs. As such, the Careers, Life, and Service Center has announced they have issued a new handout of an exemplary, and brutally honest, Cover Letter for Students to use as a model. CLS has requested that we, the B&S, the most widely read campus publication, print it in order to ensure it’s as widely circulated as possible.


Edward Pumpernickel

1115 8th Avenue, Box REDACTED Grinnell, IA● REDACTED


January 15th, 20XX,


Human Resources

Pink Floyd Memorial Psychiatric Hospital 

1894 Desolation Row



To whom it may concern, 

Like a lamb to the slaughter, I willingly offer my flesh in service to you as a GENERIC ENTRY LEVEL POSITION at the Pink Floyd Memorial Psychiatric Hospital. I am particularly drawn to this position because I meet all the qualifications, have all the vague and non-specialized skills listed, and because this is the least terrible job listing I could find. Above all else, this opportunity pays real actual money for the exchange of services.

Grinnell Authorizes New Project Houses

By: Javy Rommel-Ruiz 

GRINNELL IOWA—Living in the dorms isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. In light of the Dorm Fire Contact High last November in South Campus, the loss of the West Campus construction site to the Cult of the Crane, and a seasonal trend in sink shitting in North Campus (particularly Norris), President Ann Harris has announced the expansion of the Project House Program, also known as PHP.  

As of the publication of this article, various new projects have already been established. Among them are new language houses for Esperanto, Klingon, Dothraki, Sindarin, and Quenya. The latter two are notable for their requirements for residents to dress as Wood Elves and High Elves respectively.  

The Grinnell Golf & Country Club has undergone the much-needed renovation and has become the site of Economics House. When asked for comment about how the renovation– which included a complete removal of the collapsed roof of the building– would affect living conditions Econ Major, Htims Mada, ’24, simply said “You don’t need a roof. It’s just a waste of resources.” Mada went on to advertise B&S reporters to “invest in KingtonCoin,” whatever that means.  

Open Letter: Econ Major Optimizes Friend Group

By: Carter Ottele 

Dear acquaintances, 

Let me make this brief: y’all are no longer my friends

I don’t intend this as a personal complaint. In fact, that’s why the B&S has agreed to publish my letter for everyone to see. You might have once been a good friend with whom I’ve only somewhat kept in touch, or an NSO buddy at whom I sometimes wave, or perhaps you live down the hall and we brush our teeth at the same time every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning. The manner of our acquaintance is unimportant

Rather, I have decided that in order to maximize my return on investment, I must cut spending on casual friendships. Streamlining my social network will allow me to retain a diversified portfolio of core relationships without wasting energy on awkward, fruitless small talk. Investment in these core relationships will be far more efficient. 

Commencement Speaker Rumor Mill Churning

By Clare Newman

Spring Semester has begun, and with its dawning comes thoughts of graduation, and all that graduation entails. Students in their last semester wonder if their brother will stop complaining about “going to the middle of nowhere” and book his flight to Iowa. First-years wonder if that hot upperclassman they always see in the HSSC is graduating or is actually just another first-year. Facilities Management workers pray that whoever keeps pooping in sinks graduates or dies. And most importantly, everyone is wondering who the commencement speaker will be. The most popular guess is, of course, Kumail Nanjiani ‘01. But that’s not happening, we all know it’s not happening, so let’s stop kidding ourselves and just move on already. An intriguing anonymous tip submitted to the B&S tip line suggested that none other than Luke From Your Dad’s Work will be the commencement speaker. Known from such works as “His Face On Zoom When Going Into Your Dad’s Home Office,” “Slack Message On Dad’s Phone,” and “Guy in Background Of A Picture Your Mom Sent You Of The Little Sandwiches at Dad’s Work Holiday Party,” Luke From Your Dad’s Work would certainly be a thrilling choice for a commencement speaker. 

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