By Javy Rommel-Ruiz

JOHN CRYSTAL CENTER– As the Spring semester commences, fourth-years are frantically searching for jobs while other students scavenge for unfilled summer internships and MAPs. As such, the Careers, Life, and Service Center has announced they have issued a new handout of an exemplary, and brutally honest, Cover Letter for Students to use as a model. CLS has requested that we, the B&S, the most widely read campus publication, print it in order to ensure it’s as widely circulated as possible.

 

Edward Pumpernickel

1115 8th Avenue, Box REDACTED Grinnell, IA● REDACTED

REDACTED ● REDACTED

January 15th, 20XX,

 

Human Resources

Pink Floyd Memorial Psychiatric Hospital 

1894 Desolation Row

Anytown, USA REDACTED

 

To whom it may concern, 

Like a lamb to the slaughter, I willingly offer my flesh in service to you as a GENERIC ENTRY LEVEL POSITION at the Pink Floyd Memorial Psychiatric Hospital. I am particularly drawn to this position because I meet all the qualifications, have all the vague and non-specialized skills listed, and because this is the least terrible job listing I could find. Above all else, this opportunity pays real actual money for the exchange of services.

My experience as a member of the proletariat and as a student has alienated me and rendered me a docile body (all of which you ought to have deduced a priori). I am alienated from the products of my labor, from the essence of/will to labor, from others, and from nature. I am not allowed to enjoy the fruits of my labor, nor can I find joy in the transformative act of my work, nor can I be in solidarity with my fellows, nor can I feel a connection to the natural world. Others are naught but objects only fit for functions, and the natural world which sustains us is only fit to be exploited and destroyed to the extent that I have no hobbies or social life. My body and soul have been torn down so you may shape me into a machine. Is this not what you want?

Your organization’s mission of maximizing profits no matter the moral, environmental, or human cost is one I have to begrudgingly support. Having been indoctrinated since birth into a society that believes in Capitalism and Liberalism, I am well-versed in the pseudoscience of Economics and Political Science which guide your organization. Furthermore, to provide sustenance, housing, and health insurance for myself, I’m resigned to being complicit in whatever crimes against humanity and nature your organization, and/or its owners indulge in and/or support. In addition, I have acquiesced to working with whatever boot lickers, sycophants, brownnosers, and misguided idealists that Fate deems to make my coworkers. As long as you pay me enough money for gruel and the 10,000 dollars a month I will need to pay rent for my 1 bathroom low-income studio apartment I share with 8 other roommates.

In addition to my previous experiences, I am proficient in such valuable skills as dialing a phone number, hiding my emotions, taking out the trash, and using the toilet. Furthermore, I stand out from my generation; I am fluent in such skills as sewing on a button, changing a lightbulb, and preparing such exotic cuisines as cereal and buttered toast. I would use these skills to aid Pink Floyd Memorial Psychiatric Hospital in systematically oppressing and discriminating against the protected population of your choice. In summation, I am a qualified individual, who would complete the assigned tasks, which is all you ought to expect from an employee. Thank you for your consideration.

XOXO,

Edward Pumpernickel

 

The B&S is pleased to report that Edward Pumpernickel 24’ was successfully admitted.