By Gabby Hernandez

HSSC– The room was packed. Anytime someone entered the room all eyes turned towards them. The look in their eyes… was it lust? Desire? Judgment? Actually, it could not have been judgment because everyone was there for the same reason: to find love. 

In an all-county email, the College’s student group Banker, Accountant, Badger (BAB) advertised this event based off of the hit game show, The Button. When the B&S spoke with the BAB President, Officer Marley Janet `26, it came to light that there was only one person to sign-up via the survey in the email. 

“It was really disheartening, actually,” said Janet, “I didn’t linger on that disappointment for long, though. The sadness turned into a blind rage, which eventually turned into reckless abandon to make this event work.” 

To recruit more participants, Janet sought help from all College faculty, SHAW, ITS, and Dining Hall’s best door guard, Marlene Anderson. Each member of faculty was instructed to harshly grade all assignments until The Button event, and offer an extra-credit to those that would attend. All SHAW policies were altered so that all incoming patients were required to attend this event before seeing a professional, and all patients seeking to terminate care were required to attend the event before they were allowed to do so. 

“I was really happy to help Miss Marley force her fellow students into mandatory dates,” said Anderson, “She always says hi and asks me about my day when we see each other. She really is the best!” 

Over 200 students missed their classes the Monday following BAB’s event. While campus safety has not provided an official statement, one such student was able to provide insight on this attendance anomaly. 

“I was terrified!” Marcos Marlamonte `24 said. “When she [Anderson] first blocked me from exiting I laughed it off. But then thirty minutes later, she still wouldn’t let me leave! She just kept saying something about a button? I don’t know. Anyway, 30 minutes turned into over thirty hours. My phone had no service, so I didn’t know what was happening in the outside world. I tried all the doors I could, but that woman, wow she’s so fast and strong.” 

All of the methods Janet employed paid off in the end. As contestants began showing up, the aphrodisiac liquids of pink, white, and orange hue were consumed with great speed. All of the cake pops were claimed, most times violently, by the first 100 people who entered. The small auditorium BAB booked on 25love was unable to hold all 1, 300 students who came to the event. After this became clear, everyone was relocated to the HSSC atrium. Students who were studying there quickly fell victim to a romantic osmosis of sorts. 

Slowly, students began to disappear. They were taken to unknown places in pairs. B&S intern Marlo Barlo `26 was sent into this abyss with an undetectable communication technology: the paper cup telephone. When Janet summoned Barlo, he stood and walked to the center of the atrium. All heads turned towards him as he was blindfolded and led out. 

The B&S’s spyware went undetected. There was the sound of footsteps, doors opening and shutting, and eventually a deep and coarse, “Hello.” Pronouns and sexual preferences were exchanged, then the conversation got deeper.  “What’s your relationship like with your parents? How do you cope with your stressors? What do you do to wind down? What are your substance use habits like?” Then, there was the sound of a buzzer and the cut of a string. Barlo was never seen again.