Author: B&S Staff Page 1 of 2

By: Conrad Dahm

Grinnell College is home to two starkly different literary publications: the B&S, a totally real newspaper that publishes only the finest stories, and the S&B, a publication that publishes “satire.” There are a few people on campus who work for both publications, and I am one of them. We are conflicted writers. Now you may ask yourself “what does that mean?” Well, I’m not really sure because I do enjoy writing for both papers but I have to like one more right? This article will be short and I will do my best to answer that question.

First and foremost, being a conflicted writer is not easy. Many a lunch I’ve sat by myself on the upper floor of the dining hall wondering about my decisions. “Why do I write for both? I need to make a decision.” Yet I never do. I always keep writing for both even though my editors constantly tell me to choose. How can you do that? How can you make a writer choose? Maybe I want to write for both! Why can’t the editors accept that?

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By: Carter Ottele

On Saturday night, Grinnell College students flocked to the Harris Center to watch a collection of short films. Shoving, yelling, and pulling hair, the students plowed into the Cinema in a drunken stupor. Their voices crescendoed as the projector turned on, a faint glow spread across the screen, and the title of Grinnell’s newest favorite tradition emerged:

ZitHead.

For decades, the Titular Head Film Festival (often abbreviated to TitHead) had dominated Grinnell’s cinema scene with its promises of biting social commentary, unrestrained creative expression, and tits. But this year, students seemed far more excited to attend the ZitHead festival instead.

“I was getting tired of TitHead,” said Juan Won ’23. “At first it seemed kinda cool. Like, I’m seeing my classmates naked! But then I went and it was like, oh—I’m seeing my classmates naked.”

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By: Javy Rommel-Ruiz

John Chrystal Center—John-Calvin Winthrop, High Deacon of the Registrar and Admissions, announced today that a clerical error has erased almost all enrollment records. The error is speculated to be the result of integer overflow caused by record enrollment. Nevertheless, all non-graduating students will need to reapply for admission; as such, next semester is expected to show critical under-enrollment.

Abandoned to their fate by the cruel gods, also known as the Administration, faculty have found themselves needing to combine departments or else risk job cuts. Aware that some departments had more of an advantage of being more easily compatible than others *chough* Anthropology *chough*, faculty unanimously agreed to decide the new departments by drawing them from a hat. The results of draw include:

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By: Carter Ottele

Jean-Paul Sartre once remarked that “No finite point has meaning without an infinite reference point.” Almost mathematical in its abstrusity, this observation had long plagued my mind as an unsolvable riddle. But when I dined this weekend at The Roller Grill, I gained a deeper understanding of the French existentialist’s words—all the while enjoying a thrilling, delectable meal. 

The Roller Grill marks the latest project by star chef Talia Porcetto. Porcetto—whom The Atlantic has called “the heir-apparent to the Neo-American culinary tradition,” and whom The New York Times has deemed “the country’s most visible restaurateur”—founded The Roller Grill as a counterpoint to her lavish French restaurant Un Poulet Marseillais, which opened in Times Square two weeks prior. Her most recent project matches the caliber and craftsmanship of her former restaurants yet departs from their extravagance; by taking a minimalist approach to fine dining, The Roller Grill spotlights Porcetto’s versatility.

I discovered The Roller Grill tucked in a food court between a fast-casual burger joint and a delicatessen. The food court’s decor blends third-grade-cafeteria chic with nautical Y2K-era futurism, offering ample creative discretion to the restaurants within. A vibrant crowd of local students buzzed around the food court in an excited whisper: in hushed, reverent voices, the patrons weighed their options and extolled the culinary bounty before them. Walking among these students, surrounded by trays and milk glasses and waxy apples, I felt transported to my own childhood. The Roller Grill’s setting brought forth a sentiment of youth.

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By: Kylie Klassen

My gorgeous, gorgeous Grinnellians! Have you ever looked at a mugshot and thought: “that criminal could really use some sunnies” or “for God’s sakes get that man a fucking feather boa!”? If you’re like most people in the world, you’ve probably thought one or the other. And you’re in luck, because in Gogue’s latest email, they revealed that this semester, they will be using the entirety of their budget to help those arrested “slay in the slammer.”

Gogue has certainly been on top of their events since they became a student organization. With themes ranging from the decades, to monochrome and beach themes, Gogue has done it all. It is unsurprising that the club are now taking to the streets to generously spread their passion for fashion to the townies of Grinnell. 

So what does this entail exactly? Never fear, Grinnell: I am on the case. I did what any sane, logical, and completely extra real journalisty person would do: I harnessed my fashionable side in order to infiltrate a Gogue club meeting and get the scoop, just for you. I put on my fanciest pantiest pants and my sparkly pink cowboy hat and managed to walk in unquestioned. And what I heard, well, let’s just say things will be getting stylish down at Grinnell’s Police Department. Based on what I could understand from the meeting, I had to read between the ‘slays,’ it seems as though Gogue’s first move is to transform the classic mug shot into a full-body photo. This new shot will be complete with directors shouting different poses at their super extra happy ‘models’ in front of the camera. When asked about this new system of taking photos, Mr. PoliceOfficerMan said, “The real crime is some of the outfits that these people get arrested in. Don’t they know they should be ready for their close up?” 

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By: Catherine Terelak

So you’re living in Norris Pit next semester. Let’s fucking gooooo! 

My name is Robby and I’ll be your CA. I’d like to introduce you to my associates, Max and Axl. We’re from different suburbs of Chicago that all begin with the word ‘oak.’ 

The first thing you should know about Norris Pit is that it’s one of Grinnell’s few male-only floors. That means we kick it guy-style, all day long. You know the drill. Keep those toilet seats up. We don’t recycle because let’s be real, that shit is girly. And we don’t take out the trash, we just burn it in the furnace. FM stopped coming years ago, and that’s the way we like it. Staying clean is for pussies. Real men fester in their own filth. 

Max has a microwave and a toaster oven, but you should probably find a woman to operate those small kitchen appliances for you. Ditto with the washer and the dryer. You’ve got better, more important things to occupy yourself with, like looking at images of luxury cars and following the sports teams of the place where you’re from. No—Shut up. I wasn’t asking where you’re from. What are we, girls? Don’t tell me anything about yourself. I don’t want to know because I don’t care. 

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By Gabby Hernandez

HSSC– The room was packed. Anytime someone entered the room all eyes turned towards them. The look in their eyes… was it lust? Desire? Judgment? Actually, it could not have been judgment because everyone was there for the same reason: to find love. 

In an all-county email, the College’s student group Banker, Accountant, Badger (BAB) advertised this event based off of the hit game show, The Button. When the B&S spoke with the BAB President, Officer Marley Janet `26, it came to light that there was only one person to sign-up via the survey in the email. 

“It was really disheartening, actually,” said Janet, “I didn’t linger on that disappointment for long, though. The sadness turned into a blind rage, which eventually turned into reckless abandon to make this event work.” 

To recruit more participants, Janet sought help from all College faculty, SHAW, ITS, and Dining Hall’s best door guard, Marlene Anderson. Each member of faculty was instructed to harshly grade all assignments until The Button event, and offer an extra-credit to those that would attend. All SHAW policies were altered so that all incoming patients were required to attend this event before seeing a professional, and all patients seeking to terminate care were required to attend the event before they were allowed to do so. 

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By: Javy Rommel-Ruiz 

GRINNELL IOWA—Living in the dorms isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. In light of the Dorm Fire Contact High last November in South Campus, the loss of the West Campus construction site to the Cult of the Crane, and a seasonal trend in sink shitting in North Campus (particularly Norris), President Ann Harris has announced the expansion of the Project House Program, also known as PHP.  

As of the publication of this article, various new projects have already been established. Among them are new language houses for Esperanto, Klingon, Dothraki, Sindarin, and Quenya. The latter two are notable for their requirements for residents to dress as Wood Elves and High Elves respectively.  

The Grinnell Golf & Country Club has undergone the much-needed renovation and has become the site of Economics House. When asked for comment about how the renovation– which included a complete removal of the collapsed roof of the building– would affect living conditions Econ Major, Htims Mada, ’24, simply said “You don’t need a roof. It’s just a waste of resources.” Mada went on to advertise B&S reporters to “invest in KingtonCoin,” whatever that means.  

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By: Carter Ottele 

Dear acquaintances, 

Let me make this brief: y’all are no longer my friends. 

I don’t intend this as a personal complaint. In fact, that’s why the B&S has agreed to publish my letter for everyone to see. You might have once been a good friend with whom I’ve only somewhat kept in touch, or an NSO buddy at whom I sometimes wave, or perhaps you live down the hall and we brush our teeth at the same time every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning. The manner of our acquaintance is unimportant. 

Rather, I have decided that in order to maximize my return on investment, I must cut spending on casual friendships. Streamlining my social network will allow me to retain a diversified portfolio of core relationships without wasting energy on awkward, fruitless small talk. Investment in these core relationships will be far more efficient. 

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By: B&S Staff

GRINNELL, IA—Expressing frustration about why his class would include such distressing images, a Grinnell psychology major was reportedly confused yesterday as to why the unit on Hermann Rorschach’s eponymous inkblot test was just a series of pictures of rejection letters from prominent graduate programs around the country. 

The student, Neal Adams `23, is a psychology major enrolled in Professor Marian Galli’s PSY-410-01: The History of Psychoanalysis spoke with B&S reporters in one of several exclusive interviews given to news sources after his ordeal: 

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