Grinnell's Bastion of Journalistic Integrity

Author: B&S Staff

Honorary Degree Recipient Furious To Learn It’s In Art History

By: Dale Bell

GRINNELL, IA—Early yesterday, Enya Strathclyde, a recipient of one of Grinnell’s 2023 honorary degrees, was reportedly furious to learn that the degree awarded to her was in the field of Art History. Strathclyde, a pioneering woman in computer science and inventor of the Ctrl key, initially viewed her honorary degree from Grinnell as “a beautiful way in which life comes full circle,” in reference to her 1924 expulsion from the College after accidentally burning down West Campus. However, after Strathclyde discovered the degree’s field, she has come to view the supposed honor as more of a “sick fucking joke.”

The B&S was able to secure an interview with Strathclyde after she kicked down the door to our offices, apoplectic with rage, looking for Grinnell College President Anne Harris.

Dear B&S: I Am The Couch Thief

By: David Gales

Dear Binston Swongo, 

I’m the person who stole the couch from the Gates lounge. To be honest, I wasn’t even sure I would be able to do it, and it was on a dare from my girlfriend back home, and I was drunk, and I’ve never stolen anything before, and I feel really bad about it, and it’s taking up a lot of room in my dorm, and everyone is so mad at whoever stole the couch and there are all these YikYaks being posted about it and I have nightmares about the couch and wake up in a cold sweat and I don’t know what to do. Help! 

Signed, 

Concerned 

An Interview With The D-Hall Lettuce Slug

By: Javy Rommel-Ruiz

DINING HALL, SALAD BAR—

Javier Rommel-Ruiz: Thank you for coming, Mr. Lettuce Slug. Your work as the arbiter of lettuce quality has improved many a salad.

Emit: Call me Emit. Do people call you Student or Student Worker? D-Hall Lettuce Slug is just my job title. I am more than just a role.

JRR: Clearly. I meant no offense, “Mr. Lettuce Slug” is all that was on your name tag…

E: And you just assumed it was my name!? How barbaric!

JRR: …sorry

Anne Harris Guest Column: No One Leaves Until We Get The Fucking Nutcracker Back

By Anne Harris (Edited by Dale Bell)

The B&S has edited the following letter for length, to remove gratuitous profanity, and to sanitize extreme descriptions of violence.

You thieving shits. I was doing my annual survey of the Christmas decorations and it looks like one of the nutcrackers is missing. Hardy fucking har har. Now, I scrolled far enough up on YikYak (you’re a bunch of horny little freaks, by the way) to see that last year, one of you stole it. Well call your families and tell them you’re sorry because WINTER BREAK IS CANCELED—NO ONE LEAVES UNTIL I GET THE FUCKING NUTCRACKER BACK. Flights will NOT be refunded by the College and anyone who tries to leave the campus by car or on foot WILL be captured by an old man in a golf cart and lowered into a vat of DHall’s Red Hot Beef Stew. But “Oooooo, that’s not allowed” you’ll say, “we’re students and we have rights BLAH BLAH BLAH.” BULLSHIT. That’s what Ben Newhouse said before I FIRED him. 

Magical Elves That Write Students’ Essays While They Sleep Can’t Write SOC Papers For Shit

By Dale Bell

GRINNELL, IA—Late last week, sources confirmed that the silly little magic elves that write essays (and sometimes mend shoes) while students lie snugly in their beds, cannot write Sociology papers for shit. The elves—who are widely known across Grinnell college as the mischievous little men who live in the Mac Field Oak—have a history of helping the most stressed students by writing their overdue essays and leaving them, tied up with a pretty little bow and smelling of cinnamon, on the students’ doorsteps.

That is, until three days ago, when third-year SOC major Mike Marner woke to find his course readings neatly stacked outside his room next to a paper, with “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT” printed in whimsical little letters across the header. Marner agreed to speak about his experience to B&S reporters after we threatened to turn him in for D-Hall fruit theft:

Union Releases New List of Positions and Demands

By Carter Ottele

Last week, the Union of Grinnell Student Dining Workers (UGSDW) announced support for the occupied territory of Palestine. Citing solidarity with Palestinian workers, they outlined plans to protest the Israeli government’s actions and follow the BDS model—Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions.  

Today, November 20, 2022, the UGSDW released a list of 20 new position statements. As a trusted source of public knowledge and civic responsibility, the B&S has decided to publish them here with direct quotes from the position statements when applicable. 

1. We stand in solidarity with the Amazon Labor Union.

2. We stand in solidarity with Starbucks Workers United. 

3. We stand in solidarity with the workers of Mama Jo’s Lobster Shop in Chesapeake Beach, Maryland.

In a Tinder direct message the UGSDW said, “idk if they’re organizing but that lobster roll is so fucking good.” 

First-Years Leave Drag Confused and Erect

By B&S Staff

HARRIS CENTER – On November 12, 2022 with a start time of 7:00 GST (Grinnell Standard Time, so 45 minutes later than the given time), the Grinnell student population became even more bisexual than they already were, which we didnt think was possible. The B&S spoke with first-year students, who previously identified as straight, after the show. Every interviewee reported a sudden shift in their sexuality that they attribute to the phenomenal performers at Drag.  

Norbert Sherman `26 said he attended the event with his entire tutorial class and professor as a bonding activity; the syllabus for the tutorial listed Drag as a mandatory event. When Sherman returned to tutorial the following Tuesday, the entirety of the class period was spent discussing their mutual crush on the person who performed in the cowboy hat. Their next mandatory class event will be spent exploring the many services provided in the Stonewall Resource Center, a save haven for Grinnell’s queer community.  

Those Dropped From First Round of Course Registration Forced To Participate In Sadistic Scavenger Hunt, Says Registrar’s Office

By David Gales

The Grinnell College Registrar announced on Tuesday, November 1 that all students cut from their first choice courses this year will be expected to participate in an Amazing Race-style competition in order to find replacements for their schedule. 

In an email sent out at 3:57 PM, the Registrar’s office stated, “If you don’t get into your first choice courses, there will be a grace add/drop period in which you can register for new ones. Because first-come first-serve has received complaints in the past, we are implementing a new priority system.” They went on to explain that this grace period will require in-person registration for all students living in the town of Grinnell. Next Sunday, November 13, all students cut from their first choice classes will be expected to gather outside the Registrar’s office at 5:59 AM, to begin registration promptly at 6:00.

“We are excited for this new opportunity to prove our dedication to equality,” said Assistant Registrar Harold Anderson, “and our willingness to constantly improve course registration. Despite what people might say, this system is better, and it did need to change.”

DAG and Frisbee Battle for Mac Field

By Ethan Hughes

This is Elk Johnson reporting live from the frontlines! War has broken out on Mac Field as both Duels and Games (DAG) and Ultimate Frisbee engage in full on combat to decide control of the same half of the plain on Friday evenings from 4:30 to 5:30. 

Tensions have been on the rise for weeks as DAG made more and more threats, and both figuratively and literally rattled their swords at Frisbee. DAG claimed that Frisbee was encroaching on their section of Mac Field, eventually taking up almost two thirds of it when, as per the Clumpy Grass Contract of `83, DAG and Frisbee each have a claim to half the field. When asked for comment a DAG representative said, “Frisbee has invaded our lands and repressed our foam! We will not stand for their tyranny any longer, tell them they might take our lives but they will never take our sw–” Unfortunately they were knocked unconscious, taken prisoner, and their weapons confiscated in the middle of their anecdote. 

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