By Anne Harris (Edited by Dale Bell)

The B&S has edited the following letter for length, to remove gratuitous profanity, and to sanitize extreme descriptions of violence.

You thieving shits. I was doing my annual survey of the Christmas decorations and it looks like one of the nutcrackers is missing. Hardy fucking har har. Now, I scrolled far enough up on YikYak (you’re a bunch of horny little freaks, by the way) to see that last year, one of you stole it. Well call your families and tell them you’re sorry because WINTER BREAK IS CANCELED—NO ONE LEAVES UNTIL I GET THE FUCKING NUTCRACKER BACK. Flights will NOT be refunded by the College and anyone who tries to leave the campus by car or on foot WILL be captured by an old man in a golf cart and lowered into a vat of DHall’s Red Hot Beef Stew. But “Oooooo, that’s not allowed” you’ll say, “we’re students and we have rights BLAH BLAH BLAH.” BULLSHIT. That’s what Ben Newhouse said before I FIRED him. 

Every single student is now enrolled in a seminar taught by ME that runs from December 16th to January 22nd, 12:00 AM to 12:00 AM. It’s called “Ethics in Higher Education” and you better hope that I get that nutcracker back before the first day of classes because it’s A LOT of reading. And y’know what? Everything else about Winter Break is staying the same. DHall? CLOSED. Dorms? CLOSED. Oh, you want to EAT or SLEEP! Tough shit. I haven’t eaten or slept since I realized that the nutcracker was missing last week, so I guess this’ll be a little payback. You can curl up on the steam vent in front of the JRC and MAYBE you won’t freeze to death. I honestly don’t care.

Now a weaker person would say “Just leave the nutcracker outside DHall, no one needs to know you stole it, and you won’t get punished for bringing it back.” WELL I NEED TO KNOW, and you WILL be expelled. I bet you thought Grinnell bought that nutcracker from a store. Well they didn’t. I MADE that nutcracker with my own two hands. I spent months sculpting it from a block of the purest wood, my arms covered in splinters, I BROUGHT LIFE to an inanimate object and I thought it would bring JOY to you people. But we can’t have nice things… 

And YEAH, I know there are more nutcrackers in DHall right now. But, if anything, that just gives you even more reason to return the nutcracker. Don’t just return it for me, return it for them. They miss their brother. They told me so. And if they don’t get what they want, they’re going to get angry.