GOLF COURSE—While the existence of the golf course itself comes as a surprise to many recently-arrived Grinnell students, what lies hidden within the murky depths of the water hazard is even more shocking: a Marine C4/UAS Amphibious Combat Vehicle, complete with the attached reconnaissance squad. Its mission? To monitor Grinnell College at all times.
Month: December 2023 Page 1 of 2
8th AVENUE—In an effort to make New Englanders feel more at home, Marketplace Dining has established Grinnell College’s first-ever Sardine Station, which will replace the Jell-O and Fruit Station effective immediately after Winter Break. Like its predecessor, Sardine Station will be open every day with a rotating slate of food options, including pickled mackerel, canned oysters, salted cod, smoked herring, anchovies, and, of course, sardines.
LOOSE—When Rita Martinez ’25 returned to her dorm on Thursday night, she suspected nothing out of the ordinary. It had been a routine day in the life of a Grinnellian: a morning jog with a friend, chemistry lab, trauma dumping on her lab partner in Bio at 2:30pm, then several hours of studying. She entered into her room prepared to watch the next episode of The Crown, shower, and fall asleep.
“But then,” she tells the B&S, terror clouding her face, “I got an Outlook notification from the Virtual Care Group. And it said, ‘You’re not alone.'”
[Editor’s note: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author alone and do not necessarily reflect the views or positions of the satirical newspaper they represent.
By Josh Payong
What lies at the edges of the universe? Did we invent math or did we discover it? Why does anything exist? Why is Rathje always so damn loud at midnight? There are myriad questions that even the foremost scholars admit we’ll never have the answer to. The most baffling among them lies behind three simple characters: “B&S”. What does it mean, if anything? Fuck if I know. But if anyone has an answer, it’s the well-educated student body of Grinnell College.
By Conrad Dahm
Recently, the S&B wrote a hit piece on our real news publication. The slander about the newspaper being satire was unreasonable. Everyone knows we are the real publication on campus. Besides, we have always shared the Pubs office equally with the S&B.
To remedy this grave injustice, we decided to interview the S&B. Little did they know, however, that we would be asking the hard-hitting questions. We present The Cold Ugly Truth About The S&B:
By Elke Calhoun
Did your girl math leave you out of Dining Dollars by August? Has D-Hall slop left you unsatisfied? Are you lusting for the golden-brown caffeinated elixir but unwilling to spend big girl money on Grill coffee? Does the end of the semester see you randy, penniless, and on the brink of nervous collapse? Don’t worry. Daddy’s home.
[Editor’s note: I don’t know what this means either]
By Henry Coen
Dear Binston Swongo
There is no easy way to say this… I can’t stop pooping. This is my first year at Grinnell, and ever since I arrived, my bowel movement has been out of whack. I wonder if anyone else at Grinnell has experienced a similar problem. If so, any solutions? Please help. I am writing this from a toilet.
Salmonella Shitmaka ’27
By Liv Hage
As finals approach, frantic students from all academic disciplines race to find an acceptable study space to suffer in. The lucky ones are able to claim a room in the HSCC, while the rest scatter to the winds, hoping to find some cozy nook to burrow in. It’s a perilous business, finding a study space. Like a sleep-deprived goose, the Grinnellian will lash out at anyone who gets too close to their nest (in this case, their favorite empty classroom).
Fortunately, there is one building that avoids the violence: Burling library. Dejected students, having lost their territorial pissing battles over study spaces in the academic buildings, find solace here. Eerily similar to a square cake, Burling consists of four delectable academic levels, each brimming with ideal spots to drown oneself in homework. Confused about which floor to study on? Fear not!! The B&S has conveniently compiled a guide to each floor, so that the struggling student reading this may finally do their busywork in peace.
HARRIS CENTER—So your AI Boyfriend has asked you to the Winter Waltz. This might seem exciting, but you should remember that AI Boyfriends are experimental, dangerous, and almost always underwhelming. The more you know about them, the easier it will be for you to inoculate yourself against disappointment. With AI Boyfriends, information is power.
AI Boyfriends are an artificial species of boyfriend synthesized by a colony of Female Grincels whose self-esteem is so low that they are only able to set the bar as high as the average Grinnellian Boyfriend. Trained on data sets derived from the speech of real Grinnellian Boyfriends, AI Boyfriends follow patterns of behavior that will be all too recognizable to anyone who has ever had the displeasure of mating and nesting with a Grinnellian Boyfriend.
By Josh Payong
The following is the reply to the other email posted in this week’s edition. Once again, no consent was obtained, but it is what it is.
Dear ****,
I have made a severe and continuous lapse in my judgment. I had judged that the B&S would be a safe space in which I would be able to write and share my ideas. I was wrong.
