By Elke Calhoun

Did your girl math leave you out of Dining Dollars by August? Has D-Hall slop left you unsatisfied? Are you lusting for the golden-brown caffeinated elixir but unwilling to spend big girl money on Grill coffee? Does the end of the semester see you randy, penniless, and on the brink of nervous collapse?  Don’t worry. Daddy’s home. 

 Dining Dollar Daddy is seeking a little broke bitch to support through finals season. He has wisely saved all $300 Dining Dollars from Meal Plan 4, and boy, is he flashing them all over the place. Treat yourself to thirteen florentine paninis and a $7.25 dirty, slutty, nasty little chai—just charge it to Papa’s Pioneer Card!  

“Hey Princess, I put the D in D-Hall and the P in P-card” Dining Dollar Daddy announces to his would-be babies, making a subtle innuendo to his penis. 

Dining Dollar Daddy swears that his manhood is entirely intact and virile despite varying accounts from past babies.

“Last fall, he demanded four strawberry-mango smoothies, and the grill worker castrated him on the spot,” BeeBee Gorl, Grill Baby of ’22, shares salaciously. “They used the smoothie blender blades. It was kinda girlboss.” 

The self-titled “Alpha on Campus” addressed these allegations on his sigma grindset podcast. 

“You can’t listen to those females,” Dining Dollar Daddy asserted, “The sheep will say anything to take down the lion” 

He continued on in a mostly incoherent rant, stringing together terms such as “dominance,” “cucks,” and “creatine.” He finished the 127-minute episode by declaring the castration accusations to be “anus slander.”  While he may have meant to use the word “heinous,” we urge any potential Grill Baby candidates to consider that Dining Dollar Daddy may have made a Freudian slip implying that he enjoys ass play. 

Stay safe out there, Queens, and use men for all the pitiful Dining Dollars they’re worth!