By Josh Emrys Payong
Hey there, reader. We know you’ve missed us. Hell, it’d be hard not to feel your anguished yearning with the 72 unread messages and 18 missed calls you’ve left us on our Instagram (follow @fakepapr.gc NOW). And we apologize. We’re not mad at you. We’ve just had a couple…bumps in the road since last semester. Let’s recap a couple, shall we?
By Sarah Reif
New data indicates that the Talk Fucking Normally Language Table, established in Fall 2023, has proven to be a substantial success. Students report feeling 17% less likely to feel shocked and embarrassed for a peer due to their conduct. Grinnell Information Technology Services (ITS) also reports strikingly less Reddit usage on the school wifi network. However, Professor McPhee, founder and administrator of the Language Table, has already set her sights on another rampant issue within the social lives of Grinnellians: the intolerable major, those students that seem to be a culmination of all the insufferable quirks of their respective major.
By Carter Ottele
WASHINGTON, DC—When Jared Weinman ‘23 started his education at Grinnell College, he knew exactly what he wanted from the small, social justice-centered liberal arts college in rural Iowa: money and power.
Jared gravitated naturally toward the Economics department, where his shameless yearning for undeserved profits and unseemly power could be intellectually justified. He found home in a close-knit cadre of fellow Econ students from around the world, diverse in their backgrounds and beliefs but united in their appreciation for cold, hard cash. In the HSSC atrium, Dining Hall booths, and moonlit backyards on High St, Jared and his friends discussed the capitalist urges that compelled them. They traded stocks and bemoaned federal regulations as they took turns regurgitating half-digested Four Lokos into a long-deceased bush.
By Henry Coen
HSSC—The unanswerable question of “What is gender?” has been written on the blackboard outside the GWSS commons since the HSSC was built. Though many students over the years have tried their hand at answering this impossible question, none have succeeded until now.
“When I saw the answer, I screamed,” Lisa Lion ’25 said of her experience beholding the long-desired answer on the blackboard.
“I cried,” Professor Qtbgl of the GWSS Department said, remembering that fateful day. With a combination of letters, numbers, positivity stickers, and eight quotes from Audre Lorde, the mysterious GWSS genius answered that previously unanswerable question.
By Elke Calhoun
In a tradition that dates back to time immemorial, Grinnell professors who achieve tenure celebrate their newfound academic immortality with an event known as 1,000 Days, an unhinged bacchanalia marking their final descent into scholastic servitude.
Back in ‘65, reports of this sex- and syllabus-fueled rager reached the student body, inspiring the seniors’ party of 100 days.
“A pale, frigid, and totally lame mockery for virgins,” Barbara Streisand of the Grinnell Sociology Department proclaims when asked her thoughts on the students’ take on a profoundly unholy yet sacred faculty ritual. “If they had any respect for true academia, they would take off their pants and fornicate in the Burling Special Archives.”
By Bella Takata
Buckle up, baby. The swim season is coming to an end, and maybe it will even be over by the time you are reading this. So, you think you’re ready?
Think again.
By Dale Bell
In a shocking revelation that campus is calling “incredible,” “horrifying,” and “I fucking knew it was him,” the Grinnsmell (Grinnell’s perennial malodorous haze) has been traced to one guy—and, even more shocking, he’s not a CS major. He’s a CS major with a concentration in American Studies.
Dear Binston Swongo,
It’s you, Binston… I never thought when I filled out that survey that I would match with you, the single most sought after bachelor on Grinnell’s campus. I never thought that we could share so much in common, our commitment to the advancement of the OTHER political cause, our enjoyment of shoplifting, and the belief that love is a promise.
By Catherine Terelak
The Grinnell College Center for Careers, Life, and Service (CLS), believes in providing every student the opportunity to pursue work that aligns with their professional, personal, and civic aspirations. Their Career Communities program provides specialized guidance in a range of professional fields, including Education, Law, Finance, Public Health, and Leeching Off Your Parents Until They Die.
Due to the changing political landscape, the CLS has made the difficult decision to comply with President Trump’s recent executive order and cut the Diversity, Equity, & Inclusion Career Community, which has helped hundreds of useless white girls with pronouns find employment in corporate America. In its place, they are excited to announce the pilot program of a new Career Community: Working at Hooters.
By James Applegate
GRINNELL, IA – When I enter the office of new associate chaplain Reverend Polyester Decrease in the Center for Religion, Spirituality, and Social Justice, the first two things I notice are the smell of dried apricot under the CRSSJ’s aroma of Bible paper and wax and the millennial therapist inflection of her voice as she grasps my hand warmly and says, “Please, call me Poly.”
I have not yet said a word to her, but somehow the pastoral inclusivity of her gesture relaxes my mind into a pleasant soup. She guides me to her desk and sits me down in the overstuffed armchair opposite. A book she’s reading, left open on the table, catches my eye: She Who Prays: A Woman’s Guide to Interfaith Prayer by Jane Richardson Jenson. Here, truly, is a woman of (inter)faith.
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