Grinnell's Bastion of Journalistic Integrity

Month: September 2023 Page 1 of 2

Interview Project Depicts “The Old Norris”

By Elke Calhoun

NORRIS—The academic year begins anew, bringing an onslaught of distraught emails from ResLife begging students to turn off the stoves in dorm kitchens, lest our Resident Halls dissolve into flames. They are speaking almost directly to the freshman occupants of the Ikea Showroom Dorm, unofficially known as Norris. 

Upon hearing of the misuse of accommodations in the freshly renovated Norris, many upper-classmen took to Yik-Yak in righteous irritation. 

“Why should only the freshman get fancy-schmancy invisible stovetops?” demanded one anonymous Yakker. “They aren’t even house-broken yet!”

Homesteaders Stake Claim in Restored Prairies

By Catherine Terelak

UNCLAIMED WILDERNESS—In response to the current bottleneck in the real estate market, President Biden has reinstated the Homestead Act of 1862 to encourage westward expansion. In a comment released by the White House, the President said, “The Biden Administration looks forward to a great resurgence of homespun industry and handwoven handicrafts on the American prairie. But, given the aggressive effects of agribusiness on the landscape of the Midwest, land is scarce and small elite liberal arts colleges must do their part. Those tiny triangles of land where they allow certain weeds to grow—called “restored prairies”—have been seized by eminent domain and will be repossessed to any neo-homesteader who happens upon them. The Biden Administration expects that these colleges, especially Grinnell College, will be gracious hosts to their guests.” 

Poster Invasion Revealed to be Real Alien Assimilation Attempt

By Josh Payong

JRC COURTYARD—As part of their recently adopted International Human Outreach Program (IHOP), aliens have begun to contribute to the great American economy by selling posters to debt-drowned college students. This follows the Mexican Congress’ supposed unveiling of mummified alien corpses (or as they prefer to be called, People of Extraterrestrial Emergence, or PEE), which heralded their emergence from secrecy and integration into human society. These entrepreneurial endeavors have reportedly been taking place right here in the Jewel of the Prairie.

“There is truly no better doorway into human civilization than Grinnell, Iowa, home of the renowned B&S Publication and the Middle of Everywhere,” says Gleepsnorkle ‘Big G’ McSnartlepop, a minimum wage cashier working for the “Poster Invasion” initiative.

Spilling the Beans on the Taco John’s Corporate Lobbying Scandal

By Bohdin Bright

JRC—The Student Government Association has long been a bastion of the traditional American values: freedom, equality, and liberty for all. But recently, a new tradition has found its way into those vaunted halls: taking bribes.

Taco John’s is a restaurant chain well-known amongst the student body as the Home of Potato Olés, but behind the delicious veneer of crunchy fried spuds, a dark secret lurks. For months, the profits from the seemingly benign business have been funneled into the pockets of SGA Senators in exchange for a wide variety of off-the-books benefits.

“Seismic Geopolitical Realignment” after Student Sits in a Different Seat

By Carter Ottele

HSSC—Students in ANT 257: Migration and Yourgration, taught by Professor Hugh Manatee, underwent a “seismic geopolitical realignment” after a student changed seats this Thursday.

According to reports, ANT 257 has no officially assigned seats. Yet, students started to settle into a pattern as soon as the second class meeting. Since then, all 22 students had sat in the exact same chair every period—until this Thursday.

Though the official investigation launched by Human Rights Watch has not yet concluded, most parties agree that Reese Speaces ’26, an intended Anthropology and Religious Studies major, instigated the change. Speaces, who hails from Gary, Indiana, agreed to an interview with the B&S.

Grinnell Offers New Language Table: Talk Fucking Normally

By Henry Coen

D-HALL— “Oh, hi there. My name is Draco Malfoy Senpai, but my doggo calls me—Owooow!” Draco Malfoy Senpai 26’ was interrupted by a loud thwack as Professor McPhee slapped their wrist with a wooden ruler. Welcome to Grinnell College’s new language table: the Being Fucking Normal Table. 

“These freaks only respond to force,” Professor McPhee told our reporters when asked about her teaching style. “I may be strict, but I am fair.” A recent transfer from Normal, Illinois, Professor McPhee has been a transformative influence on the budding Department of Being Fucking Normal. “When I came to this school, they told me my office was in ARH inside HSSC right next to the JRC, and that if I had any questions I could ask the JCC ASAP. I knew then I had my work cut out for me.”

An Investigation into the Demon Cat, Part II

By Liv Hage

BUCKSBAUM—new traces of the Demon Cat were found in the Bucksbaum basement, leading “Thine Sillye Ghoest Teame” (est. 1657) to once again attempt to hunt down the creature. Last time, our lead investigator Williame Butter 24’ was left psychologically damaged after an incident with the beast, prompting him to flee to Burling Fourth. In order to avenge our dear colleague, we launched ourselves into the throes of passionate research to uncover the truth. 

However, our investigations quickly uncovered a new lead when we received a call from a frantic first-year student, Sally Salmonella ’27, complaining about a disturbing sighting in the Bucksbaum ceramics studio. 

“I walked in on this weird-ass cat thing shoveling clay into its mouth,” Salmonella recounted. “It kinda looked like my tutorial prof in a satanic fur-suit.”

Spotlight: Grinnell’s Famous Alumni

By Conrad Dahm

Grinnell College, recently ranked as the country’s 11th best liberal arts college, has an impressive list of alumni. In the spirit of journalism, the B&S has decided to chronicle where these alumni are now. Because we are such a great publication, we will also provide a description of what the alumni are doing in their free time. We have many interesting stories, so if anyone (honestly, who even reads the B&S at this point?) from the admissions office is reading this, please feel free to use this list to advertise our school! So without further ado, the B&S presents: Grinnell College’s Famous Alumni.

In Memoriam: The Swing Set

By Ethan Hughes

It’s now official: institutional memory is dead. This tragedy, which so many of us had brushed off as upperclassmen whining about change like boomers, has come to pass. Grinnell has been forever and irrevocably harmed, its foundation shaken, our trust in the college demolished. The swing set by the JRC has been removed. 

This swing set was a staple of the Grinnellian experience, nestled in the geriatric heart of the campus. Every first year walked by that swing and whispered to themselves, “Once I find a friend, I’m going to swing on that.” 

Every fourth year has walked past it and bemoaned, “Damn, I wish I made a friend to swing on those with me”. 

Dear B&S: First-Year Roommate Drama

By Carter Ottele

Dear Binston Swongo,

I’m really sorry to bother you. I just have a tiny little conflict with my roommate, and I was wondering if you could help. I know, I’m in college now, I’m supposed to be able to resolve my own problems—it’s just that I haven’t dealt with anything like this before. 

My roommate, Maximilian Equitus of Gloucester IV (fake name), has decided to start sacrificing animals on his side of the room. It started with sparrows and stuff, but now he’s moving to larger creatures like goats and illegally-imported gazelles. Max has also threatened to sacrifice my pet chinchilla. I’m completely willing to accommodate diverse religious practices, but Cthulhu isn’t a real religious deity…right? And last night, when I threatened to call the police, Max showed me the All Cops Are Bastards sticker on his water bottle, totally negating my entire argument. What can I do?

Mildly Concerned First Year

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