By Conrad Dahm

Grinnell College, recently ranked as the country’s 11th best liberal arts college, has an impressive list of alumni. In the spirit of journalism, the B&S has decided to chronicle where these alumni are now. Because we are such a great publication, we will also provide a description of what the alumni are doing in their free time. We have many interesting stories, so if anyone (honestly, who even reads the B&S at this point?) from the admissions office is reading this, please feel free to use this list to advertise our school! So without further ado, the B&S presents: Grinnell College’s Famous Alumni.

  1. Harry Hopkins, 1912: Harry lived a great life. He founded the Works Progress Administration, spearheaded the New Deal and generally tried to uplift the country during the Great Depression. However, his best-known accomplishment was the Presidential Hotbox of ‘38. Remember, everything kind of sucked during the Great Depression. So what’s better than smoking a reefer in the Oval Office? Supposedly, Harry hotboxed the Oval Office and set off the fire alarms. In fact, he did it at 2:38 a.m. in the winter and all of the fire alarms went off. Let’s just say FDR was not happy. When asked about this, Harry said he was trying to emulate his times at Grinnell living in Main Hall. Clearly, Harry brought a Grinnell tradition to the world’s most powerful office.
  2. Joseph Rosenfield, 1925: The B&S reported last week that he has risen from the grave to nourish our bodies. Some say he hides on the 3rd floor of the JRC, plotting. His plans are unclear, but we think you should be afraid. 
  3. Rock, 2,000,000 BCE: Made fire.
  4. Lady Gaga, 1993: Violent vegan activist. Famously wore the flesh of meat tycoons as a dress. 
  5. Paul Revere, 1776: “The British are coming, the British are coming.” Shut up Paul no one cares. 
  6. Frank Wade, 2023: Known for doing the world’s longest kegstand, along with declaring his candidacy for President of the United States in 2024. The B&S polls him at roughly 101% amongst voters. 
  7. Jacob Emma, 1995: Writer for a “paper” called the S&B. This paper is widely regarded as a satire newspaper and has won zero awards. 
  8. Emma Jacobs, 1995: Renowned B&S columnist, winner of four Pulitzer Prizes. 
  9. Robert Noyce, 1949: Known for stealing a pig from the Mayor’s farm on campus. He also did some kind of tech thing? We don’t really know, the B&S staff are all humanities majors. 
  10. Bill Nye, 1977: It turns out Bill went to Cornell, not Grinnell. But we’ll keep him on the list.
  11. Ed Shaw, 1999: Credited for genetically modifying a new species of fish that lives in Arbor Lake known as the Grinnell Salmon. You can find the salmon being served at the Global Cafe for the low price of $15. 
  12. Sarah Rosenfield, 2023: Not related to Joseph Rosenfield, but everyone thinks she is.
  13. Roger Cooper, 1963: Donated one of the six cots the College provided a while ago. The Roger Cooper ‘63 memorial cot can be found on Kington Plaza.  
  14. Some other alumni that we don’t know about. 

And there you have it! This is the full list of all of Grinnell’s alumni. There are no more famous alumni, and there will never be one again. Anyone who tells you differently is wrong.