Grinnell's Bastion of Journalistic Integrity

Month: February 2024 Page 1 of 2

B&S Investigation Into The Demon Cat; Pt. 3

By Liv Hage

HSSC—Thursday, February 22: 

It was unusually cold in the atrium as Lulu Sillyewalker 27’ walked in on Thursday night. Overloaded with homework for her Statistic class, Sillyewalker decided to hunker down at an atrium table to study—but something was off. “It was really weird, I just felt this sort of energy pulling me in a different direction”, she tells the B&S. As the unseen force pulled her to the bottom left corner of the atrium, the air grew even more frigid, and the lights dimmed. As Sillyewalker journeyed further down the hall, she was confronted with an ominous-looking door. Upon approaching, it slowly creaked open. 

New Glitch Discovered in Mailroom Lockers

By Edie Worrell

MAIL ROOM- Early this past Monday morning, students discovered a glitch in the newly implemented Smart Locker system, when Jinky Andrews ‘25 noticed a message pop up on the “Pioneer” locker screen as she went to retrieve her package.

“The message read: Show me ur t*ts lol,” Jinky explained. “At first I was like, haha, who’s doing this? That’s kind of a brilliant prank! But then when another message popped up a few seconds later, I decided to take my chances.”

Dining Dollars Expanded Off Campus To Smoke Shops

By Conrad Dahm

JRC- In a move students are applauding as “revolutionary” and “the best decision Grinnell made since not having paper towels in dorm bathrooms,” Grinnell College has officially announced that students will be able to spend Dining Dollars off-campus at all smoke shops.

The move comes after the recent expansion of Dining Dollars being accepted at places such as Prairie Grackle and Dari Shack. Now, students will be able to spend Dining Dollars to purchase a variety of smoking products. The expansion is open to all years of students because owners of the smoke shop say they “don’t care anymore” and “probably won’t card you.” The drinking age remains 21. 

Academic Advising Implements “The Button” as Alternative Advisor Selection Program

By Jude Morgan

HSSC 3rd FLOOR ATRIUM TABLE – As the second semester enters its 6th week, Academic Advising is once again faced with the sudden horror of students declaring at the last minute and picking their major advisor. In an effort to ease the pressure on the overwhelmed professors who have somehow managed to maintain above a 4 on Rate My Professor, Advising has looked to the student body for a solution. Taking inspiration from the recent Valentine’s Day dating game show “The Button”, they have elected to implement a similar game that flawlessly matches students with their ideal advisor. 

D-Hall Pee Chart: Actually Secret Margarita Menu?

By Catherine Terelak

JRC—In pee-cent weeks, Grinnellians have brought vials of their urine into D-Hall to measure against the new “Assess Your Hydration Status” chart, a helpful infographic located conveniently near the JRC bathrooms. Tinkla Pissler ‘26 reports that her urine trickles out at a healthy Level 2. “I love water!” she said. “It tastes delicious, like a swimming pool.” Pissful Urington ‘24 of Bilox-pee, Mississip-pee is a victim of Level 8 Dehydration. As suggested on the poster, he’s “seeking help.” 

Dear Binston Swongo: I (34M) was recently divorced and am struggling to get back into the college dating scene.

By Josh Payong

 Dear Binston Swongo,

I (34M) was recently divorced and am struggling to get back into the college dating scene. My ex-wife and I were students at Grinnell as members of the class of ‘11, but dropped out to engage in the artistic pursuit of being a Feetfinder Connoisseur. However, as my toes wrinkled and my soles turned a sickening yellow, my wife (38F) stopped finding pleasure in sucking them. Thus, our relationship has ended, and I have returned to Grinnell to finish my studies.

True Purpose of Renfrow Hall Remains Unknown

By Amelia Vrieze

RENFROW HALL- As construction on Renfrow Hall continues, students and town inhabitants alike wonder how it will fulfill its stated purpose as a bridge between the campus and town communities. The latest statements from the committee behind the project have attempted to shed new light on the ways this new off-campus housing option will function.

Grinnell College Acknowledges Meal Plan Protests; Offers New, Flexible Dining Options

By Bohdin Bright

JRC — After long weeks of protest, the plaintive cries of the student body have been heard at last. Exercising her divine mandate to rule, Anne Harris has graciously ordered the college administration to negotiate with the student body to lay out plans for new dining options that will fit the varied and diverse needs of the students while still making them lots of money. Although the dining hall won’t be ready to offer these new selections until next year, the B&S has been given a sneak peek at the upcoming menu. The centerpiece? Gruel.

B&S Investigation Reveals Grinnell Football Stats are Actually Tickle Stats

By Chris Cardenas

ROSENBLOOM FIELD–B&S investigators have blown the whistle on a Grinnell Football scandal that is sure to leave audiences both tickled and bewildered. In a stunning turn of events, the B&S has discovered that all Grinnell “tackle” stats are actually “tickle” stats. It appears our football team’s defensive skills lie not in bone-crushing takedowns, but in the subtle art of the tickle. Instead of bringing down ball carriers with thunderous force, our Pioneers are seemingly deploying a strategic arsenal of feather-light pokes, leaving opponents giggling uncontrollably as they scamper past the goal line. 

B&S Editorial: We are Back!

By Conrad Dahm

Hello Grinnell! That’s right. We. Are. Back! The B&S, the greatest and most accurate newspaper in the history of everything, is back. You may be asking, “what does it mean to be back?” Well, all we can say is that we will be publishing for another semester, but not after a long and arduous journey. Instead of spending winter break relaxing and not being in Burling for 16 hours a day, our staff embarked on an epic journey, a journey that is allowing our newspaper to continue.

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