By Liv Hage

HSSC—Thursday, February 22: 

It was unusually cold in the atrium as Lulu Sillyewalker 27’ walked in on Thursday night. Overloaded with homework for her Statistic class, Sillyewalker decided to hunker down at an atrium table to study—but something was off. “It was really weird, I just felt this sort of energy pulling me in a different direction”, she tells the B&S. As the unseen force pulled her to the bottom left corner of the atrium, the air grew even more frigid, and the lights dimmed. As Sillyewalker journeyed further down the hall, she was confronted with an ominous-looking door. Upon approaching, it slowly creaked open. 

“I couldn’t resist not opening the door”, related Sillyewalker. “I know, I know, I would get killed first in a horror movie, but I swear this door was really attractive”. Enticed by the “attractive” door, Stewarde continued her journey. Following the stairs behind the door, she found herself in a dark basement, the only light being from a single flickering computer screen. “It smelled like really bad B.O masked by too much Axe deodorant”, she remembers, “I tried calling out to see if Matt, my computer-science friend, was there. It seems like a place he would live in”. But Matt was not there. Instead, Sillyewalker’s call was met with what she described as “the sound of a malfunctioning dorm printer”. 

“This is when I realized that I had fucked up”, Sillyewalker continues. While she should have realized her fatal error earlier, it was too late. The printer noise intensified, morphing into a primordial screech that stunned the unfortunate Sillyewalker. Knocked back onto an especially uncomfortable chair, she found herself paralyzed in horror at what she saw next. In between sobs, Sillyewalker recalled the horrific sequence of events: “This guy crawled out of the computer screen, I was hoping it was someone I knew but it was fucking BEN SHAPIRO wearing FUCKING cat EARS and a lewd Wario cosplay, I just couldn’t take it anymore after I saw that”. 

Sillyewalker was found the next day upstairs by Facilities Management. “Her eyes had this weird glazed over look, and she was muttering something strange, like a spell,” FM employee Jewarde Lewis said. “I called Campo and dropped her off at SHAW to see if they could do anything”, he continued. Unfortunately as of Monday, Stewarde has reached her maximum of 2 counseling appointments per semester. She has now been placed in a student support group for victims of silly supernatural happenings (VSSH). They meet in JRC every weekend and cry over mozzarella sticks from Spencer Grille to process their trauma. 

Soon after the heinous ordeal, rumors concerning a digital menace similar to the one Sillyewalker saw began to spread around campus. Although the HSSC basement has since been cordoned off, multiple computer science students have been startled by the elusive phantom. In order to further investigate this series of unfortunate events, the B&S talked to Alistair BonBon, the chair of the department. Fidgeting in his seat, BonBon told the B&S, “I-I was teaching a class, and all of a sudden the lights went out. I couldn’t hear anything but the FNAF music box echoing throughout the 3rd floor”. BonBon insisted that he saw the neon visage of a cat-like demon flicker on the screen before it all went black. Due to the stress inflicted by the demonic menace, BonBon is due for leave next semester. 

The identity of the eldritch beast has yet to be confirmed—but Burling library experts well versed in the dark mysteries of Grinnell suspect that this monster is, in fact, the infamous demon cat. Somehow, it has gained the ability to traverse the digital realm. As of yesterday, Euphemia VanMittendorf (head of supernatural texts at Burling archives) issued a warning to students: “Remember to stay at least 6 feet away from the projector screens at all times, and stay away from the HSSC basement and 3rd floor of Noyce”. In a somewhat more pointed reminder, she continued, “And please, for the love of God, do NOT FEED THE DEMON CAT! NO. It is NOT your PET”. Hopefully, these practices will reduce the amount of incidents caused by the eldritch feline. But until then, we must continue to exercise the utmost caution. 

 

Until next time,

The B&S.