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Dear Binston Swongo: How Can I Run a Successful Business?

By Jude Morgan

Dear Binston Swongo, 

I’ve reached my breaking point. As a small business owner, I believe fully that this cruel and terrible world has it out for honest people trying to make a living. I started off as a humble arms manufacturer, just trying to make a buck and change helping out the common folk. Yet as of late, it seems as if society looks down upon hard workers like myself, choosing to favor more trendy ideas such as “ethics” and “workers’ rights” and “undergraduate labor unions”. It pains me even further to see the once great institution Grinnell fall down this path. What’s next? Paid leave? I shudder at the thought. 

Despite my many qualms I still continue to exceed profit margins beyond my wildest dreams, but deep down my feelings are hurt. How can I sleep at night knowing that there is no hope for the preservation of tradition? 

– A Morally Ambiguous Alum 

Dear Binston Swongo: I (34M) was recently divorced and am struggling to get back into the college dating scene.

By Josh Payong

 Dear Binston Swongo,

I (34M) was recently divorced and am struggling to get back into the college dating scene. My ex-wife and I were students at Grinnell as members of the class of ‘11, but dropped out to engage in the artistic pursuit of being a Feetfinder Connoisseur. However, as my toes wrinkled and my soles turned a sickening yellow, my wife (38F) stopped finding pleasure in sucking them. Thus, our relationship has ended, and I have returned to Grinnell to finish my studies.

B&S Editorial: We are Back!

By Conrad Dahm

Hello Grinnell! That’s right. We. Are. Back! The B&S, the greatest and most accurate newspaper in the history of everything, is back. You may be asking, “what does it mean to be back?” Well, all we can say is that we will be publishing for another semester, but not after a long and arduous journey. Instead of spending winter break relaxing and not being in Burling for 16 hours a day, our staff embarked on an epic journey, a journey that is allowing our newspaper to continue.

Dear Binston Swongo: A Digestive Dilemma

[Editor’s note: I don’t know what this means either]

By Henry Coen

Dear Binston Swongo 

There is no easy way to say this… I can’t stop pooping. This is my first year at Grinnell, and ever since I arrived, my bowel movement has been out of whack. I wonder if anyone else at Grinnell has experienced a similar problem. If so, any solutions? Please help. I am writing this from a toilet.

Salmonella Shitmaka ’27


My Resignation from the B&S: An Exposé

By Josh Payong

The following is the reply to the other email posted in this week’s edition. Once again, no consent was obtained, but it is what it is.

Dear ****,

I have made a severe and continuous lapse in my judgment. I had judged that the B&S would be a safe space in which I would be able to write and share my ideas. I was wrong.

Dear B&S Writer: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

By Josh Payong

Below, we have printed an email written by one B&S writer to another in hopes of maintaining full transparency and journalistic integrity. Neither party has consented to its publication, but the truth must be told. Their names have been censored for anonymity.

Dear *******,

You are, as Shakespeare put it in All’s Well That Ends Well (Act 3, Scene 6), “A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise-breaker, the owner of no one good quality.” A waste of space and trustee funding. The only thing you contribute to our publication’s meetings is a reason to leave the room earlier because of how absolutely nasty your obviously unwiped ass smells. None of your articles have made it past peer review. None of your ideas even make it onto the “In Other News” section. None of your “friends” like being around you. If this wasn’t such a small school, rest assured they’d never talk to you again.

Dear Binston Swongo: Summer Job Search

By Carter Ottele

Dear Binston Swongo,

How can I secure a decent summer job? People keep telling me that a Grinnell education goes a long way, but so far, it hasn’t even gotten me to the interview stage of any internship applications. I have strong grades and decent writing skills…what else am I supposed to do? As far as I know, there are only three types of jobs available to undergraduate students: highly prestigious unpaid internships with 0.5% acceptance rates, summer camp counselors, and dishwashers. I don’t like kids, I worked as a dishwasher last summer, and now I’m hoping to expand my résumé before applying to grad schools. Please help!

– Desperately Unemployable (or is it Unemployably Desperate?)

Dear Binston Swongo: D-Hall Delicacies

By Liv Hage

Dear Mr. Swongo, 

The food here has been getting worse and worse. I’ve been here for 3 years, and I’m sick of eating the same bland meals over and over again. Sometimes just walking into D-Hall makes me feel nauseous, I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. Do you have any advice for navigating D-Hall? Any secret recipes or ways to game the system? If I eat another sad yellow curry from the Vegan section, I’m going to run into a field and cry, watering the corn with my tears. Please help. 

Sincerely, Depressed in D-Hall

Opinion: These Fines Aren’t Fine

By Carter Ottele

Dear Grinnell,

It’s time to get your shit together.

Look, in most ways, we’re doing fine. There are lots of little problems that don’t matter too much: our football team got outscored 6-116 over a two game stretch; NetNutrition lied to me; my econ prof failed half the class; artificial intelligence, global warming, and democratic decline are all threatening to render our degrees useless. But, whatever. I don’t care that much.

You know what really, really bothers me though? What totally ruins my day, or sometimes my week? Residence hall fines

Speakeasy Solutions

By Ethan Hughes

Since the COVID-19 pandemic, the administration has sought to reduce alcohol and drug consumption on campus. These efforts represent an attempt to make the college more appealing to prospective students’ parents. For instance, they have forbidden 10/10 and Alice from taking place on campus and attempted to remove the alcoholic traditions from Relays. Bob’s Underground no longer serves alcohol, while Lyle’s Pub remains closed. 

Many students claim that these policies are reminiscent of the failed war on drugs and don’t help reduce dangerous actions but rather fail to provide resources to make them safer. Grinnellians are not drinking less or consuming less drugs, according to the B&S’s resident drug dealer Ethan; in fact, they are consuming more. Early reports show that to prepare for 10/10 this year, many students have been downing Hawkeye instead of water or Pabst Blue Ribbon. Pushing consumption off campus just makes it harder to set up support networks that can help reduce overdoses and recklessness. To combat this issue, all of Grinnell’s publications have banded together to turn the Publications (Pubs) office into a pub. 

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