By Sarah Reif for the B&S Editorial Board

As President of Grinnell, Anne Harris has involved herself greatly in College affairs. She has been a judge at Tithead, Halloween Harris’s special guest, patron of the arts, etc., etc., etc., and so forth. I also ran into her at Walmart yesterday.

As a result, she has absolutely squandered the mystique that accompanies being the president of a small liberal-arts college. She is too much the people’s president. However, we on The B&S Editorial Board have strategized specialized techniques to mitigate and even reverse the “normalization” of Anne Harris.

1. Anne Harris begins taking steroids. Her voice drops two octaves, and she gains 70 lbs of muscle. She won’t show up to board meetings without a pump, though. How else will she have the confidence to command the room?

2. Anne Harris assumes the lifestyle of Nosferatu*.

3. Anne Harris hires a strapping, young executive assistant. His name is Tomás. Nothing actually happens between the two of them; Anne Harris is a married woman. But the people will talk (“Does Anne Harris have a gigolo?”, “I heard he used to be a stripper in Atlantic City”, etc.), and we plan to encourage that.

4. Anne Harris executes a “Gone Girl” scenario. She can pick who she wants to be her “Ben Affleck”; JD Moped, Lenny Purkins, and Rev. Polyester Decrease are all good options.

5. Anne Harris enrolls in cosmetology school. She has discovered her passion for installing hair extensions and lash lifts. She is still president, despite changing her LinkedIn profile to “#Opentowork”. She remains very present on campus, although that’s mostly because she does house calls, and students are vying for appointments for one of her masterful scalp massages.

The optics of our school are extremely important. We feel President Harris has forgotten this, and we urge her to act accordingly. Frankly, anything would be better than the personable, kindly president we currently have. And President Harris, should there be any unforeseen issues with these suggestions, please contact us for a meeting. We won’t be busy.

*There is a lot of freedom for President Harris in this option: she could cater to pompous film majors and do the 1922 silent German expressionist vampire or go for the 2024 remake, or even the recurring SpongeBob Nosferatu, an emo Krusty Krab employee.