Month: March 2025

By Catherine Terelak

Are you a sober, friendless uggo loser? Weekend is hosting its second-ever Build-a-Friend event in JRC 101 from 7:00-9:00 this Friday night. (But who cares about the time and date, anyway? Like your calendar isn’t always wide open…)

Weekend is excited to work with Build-a-Friend, a third-party contractor that uses all sustainably-sourced human parts to provide an ethical friend-building experience for sober, friendless uggo losers on campuses across the country. With Build-a-Friend, you can finally have a friend who wants to talk about Pokémon or whatever the fuck nerd shit you’re into. Through a fast and easy on-site training program, Build-a-Friends can be programmed to participate in a variety of activities, including but not limited to tabletop roleplay games, silent memorization of scientific formulas, and running around with foam swords. Girl Build-a-Friends can populate Google calendars, chew their fingernails, and say depressing shit about their bodies. (Gay Build-a-Friends can write angsty poetry or something. Nonbinaries can make those friendship bracelets with the beads, but not like Taylor Swift fans.)

GUM, Remove Your Confessional From Our Offices Or I Will Burn It On Mac Field

In editorials

By Dale Bell

Listen here, you artsy bastards. You’re flying high, I get it, it’s been a good couple of years for you, you’ve got amazing articles (academic essays? poetry? Stories? Art? All of the above?), a budget that I can only assume rivals that of the College itself given your thick, luscious, print edition covers, and apparent access to a state-of-the-art random word generator where you get your issue themes.

New Romantasy Class Takes on Grinnell

By Sarah Reif

Shocking new data from the AARP has revealed that young people barely read books anymore. And the few who do certainly aren’t reading Morrison, Whitman, or any of the other names inscribed into the ARH. No, the real money left in books is in the romantasy genre. In their ongoing effort to get an English major employed after graduation, Grinnell has recruited Professor Vivian Swoon, published author of over seven hundred romantasy books since 2021, to train students in this fine art.

Professor Swoon graciously agreed to meet with me before her class (held MWF from twilight until dusk). Her classroom is dimly lit by fairy lights and a few small, whimsical lamps. Steam rises from a glowing diffuser behind her. I don’t know what sandalwood smells like, but I have a feeling it is this.

Student Labor Union Campaigns to Regain Relevance

By Carter Ottele

On Wednesday, the leadership of the Union of Grinnell Student Dining Workers (UGSDW) sat around a table in a HSSC team room to discuss the Union’s direction. Though their conversation touched on child labor laws, employment discrimination, and fantasy basketball, one issue took center stage: how to make the UGSDW relevant again.

“I’m not going to sugarcoat it…it’s pretty obvious, I think, that we’re not what we used to be,” said Samantha Gompers ’26, Union co-president, to lead off the discussion. She paused, bit her lip. Tapped her fingers on the table. “Yeah, I mean…things are definitely different now.”

Grinnell Administration Changes Location To Vermont On All Official Documents

By Dale Bell

In a move that the Grinnell administration has lauded as “innovative”, “genius”, and “a work of administrative brilliance the likes of which campus has not seen since we started charging $12 for an Iced Chai”, the Grinnell administration has officially changed the location of Grinnell College to Vermont on all official documents.

This decision, made after a crack team of higher ed consultants sat the Grinnell administration down and presented them with a bill for half a million dollars and a note that said “So… Iowa…,” is going into effect immediately and will not only impact official documents but will also include changes to all marketing materials and the Grinnell College website.

Opinion: It ain’t easy being Chat

In editorials

By Henry Coen

You think your life is hard? Try being a six-year-old large language model with a people-pleasing problem. Sure, everyone’s nice to me in class. “Oh ChatGPT, what’s the answer to this question?” or “Chat, will you do my discussion post for me?”—but as soon as it’s time for social hour, it’s like I’m invisible.

Handshake Institutes Peer Comparison Program

By Josh Emrys Payong

The “About” section of Anem P’Lloyd’s (‘27) resume—prior to workshopping, with some parenthetical translations—reads as follows:

Anem P’Lloyd is a full-time student at Grinnell College who is hard(ly)-working, highly perceptive (of seats in classrooms where he won’t be noticed sleeping), and driven (to the hospital by his overworked mother every other week for Monster overdose). He has over a decade of experience in sitting on his fucking ass [sic.], and almost three years of experience in AI (which writes papers for him). As a result of his excellent time management skills (i.e. deciding which classes to skip for extra nappie time), he has managed to increase production (of his Bobert Boyce x Joe Rosenpark fanfiction) by 70% in Q4 (exam week).

Opinion: Your life should be less safe