This week, the B&S has decided to republish this email from President Anne Harris. We believe that printing the text below – originally sent to the entire Grinnell community – will underscore the importance of strong leadership in these difficult times.
Dear community members,
By Henry Coen
New York City is the land of 1,000 dreams; Minnesota is the land of 10,000 lakes; and Grinnell, Iowa, is the land of 100,000 bands.
“What did you say? I can’t hear you!” Tambourine Tunner ’24 said, his words drowned out by the veritable cacophony of sound coming from the multiple bands playing at once. “All I wanted to do was throw a little dorm party, then all of a sudden, I got 100 requests from bands wanting to play at my function. Spin the Chicken, My Best Bustier, Bad Kayak…there were so many! I had to schedule multiple at the same time.” Tambourine party guests dance awkwardly as they try to dance simultaneously to “Death of a Bachelor,” “That’s My Girl,” and the “Star-Spangled Banner” at the same time.
By Conrad Dahm
JRC—Grinnell students are no strangers to being bombarded by emails. We’ve grown accustomed to ITS begging us to not sell our social security numbers, to meeting invitations for clubs we signed up for during NSO but have never attended, and to our RLC informing us we owe $1,000 for a singular missing toilet paper roll. Yet, one organization stands out for sending the most emails: Handshake. To prepare us to sell our wage labor in the capitalist hellscape we live in, Handshake sends info about meaningless different jobs that might be vaguely relevant to us. The B&S decided to gather a list of Handshake emails and publish them. So, without further ado, here are some of the best Handshake emails received by students.
FORUM—Deep beneath the IT offices and SHAW lies a top-security medical bunker dedicated to providing healthcare of the highest quality, to patients of the highest caliber. It has served high-profile patients such as Abraham Lincoln, William McKinley, and even our very own John “Chrystal” Center. Yet today, the doctors have witnessed a truly once-in-alifetime event. Notable alum and generous donor Washington Winkle, Class of 1970, awoke from a thirty-year coma in what medical specialists are calling “complete bullshit.”
MAC FIELD—The fast food chain McDonald’s Corporation has filed a lawsuit arguing that it holds full legal rights to Grinnell College’s MacEachron Field (commonly known as Mac Field), setting up the possibility of a contentious trial by ritual combat.
“According to Section 5 of the 25th Amendment, McDonald’s Corporation has a legal right to all goods, properties, and services that contain the word ‘Mac,'” claims the lawsuit. “This includes Mac Field. McDonald’s holds the right to extract profits from the field in any way it wishes, regardless of Grinnell College’s potential objections.”
By Josh Payong
As the temperature drops below 283.15 kelvins, Grinnellians have been forced into dire straits. In order to adapt to the November frigidity, the campus population has begun engaging in some innovatively bizarre activities. From developing migratory patterns during active school periods to making arctic skinsuits – here are our findings.
By Liv Hage
Dear Mr. Swongo,
The food here has been getting worse and worse. I’ve been here for 3 years, and I’m sick of eating the same bland meals over and over again. Sometimes just walking into D-Hall makes me feel nauseous, I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. Do you have any advice for navigating D-Hall? Any secret recipes or ways to game the system? If I eat another sad yellow curry from the Vegan section, I’m going to run into a field and cry, watering the corn with my tears. Please help.
Sincerely, Depressed in D-Hall.
By Elke Calhoun
Every morning, Grinnellians arise to fight a new dawn, a new day, and a new bewildering email from the Registrar. This semester, due to an inordinately confusing system and an inherently fucked requirement expectation for many majors, over 99.34% of the Grinnell student body was unable to get into the needed courses to graduate. As a result, the faculty has worked with the Registrar to offer one new course in every department designed to fulfill any needed requirement. As illustrious and well-renowned members of the fourth estate, the B&S was granted exclusive access to these new course descriptions. We have taken it upon ourselves to produce a review of our highly anticipated courses for our dear, forlorn, unaccredited readers.
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