By Conrad Dahm

JRC—Grinnell students are no strangers to being bombarded by emails. We’ve grown accustomed to ITS begging us to not sell our social security numbers, to meeting invitations for clubs we signed up for during NSO but have never attended, and to our RLC informing us we owe $1,000 for a singular missing toilet paper roll. Yet, one organization stands out for sending the most emails: Handshake. To prepare us to sell our wage labor in the capitalist hellscape we live in, Handshake sends info about meaningless different jobs that might be vaguely relevant to us. The B&S decided to gather a list of Handshake emails and publish them. So, without further ado, here are some of the best Handshake emails received by students. 

Bank of Iowa—On-Site

Do you love helping people? Making a difference? Bringing smiles to children’s faces? Well, this job is not for you. You will spend 9 hours a day, 6 days a week, selling your soul to your capitalist overlords in order to ensure our clients can make 5% extra on their stocks. Starting pay is $12 an hour with benefits including access to the company lounge, which just purchased a second folding chair!

North Dakota Attorney General—Remote

We know you are a biology major and have no interest in the legal field or even live in North Dakota but we think this job is a great fit for you! Duties include: feeding attorneys raw meat.  Apply today!

Grinnell College SPARC Writer—On-Site

Apply to work for SPARC today. You must be able to work in an environment with no consistent communication, funding, or P-card access. Pay is 2 dining dollars a week. If you complain, we’ll cut your fingers off. 

Evil Investment Firms of America—Remote

You will be tasked with making life worse for literally everyone. This is a job that requires the applicant to lack the following concepts: empathy, kindness, and the most basic human decency. If there is a problem in the world, we make money off of it. Starting pay is $110,000 a year with full health insurance (something we are working to make sure no one else has). 

Iowa Bank—Remote

Idk why I get so many Handshake emails from banks. I’m a fucking humanities major. 

Grinnell College Administrative Assistant—On-Site

Applicants must be willing to support Grinnell in all of its endeavors. No matter what the administration does, your job is to go to your friend group and say, “Actually, it’s good that they raised tuition last year,” and “Stop criticizing the school, it’s not their fault registration is a burning manure pile.” Pay is $15 an hour plus access to a limousine. 

For more information, visit https://fakepapr.sites.grinnell.edu/ to learn about employment opportunities at Grinnell and beyond!