By Bohdin Bright

FORUM—Deep beneath the IT offices and SHAW lies a top-security medical bunker dedicated to providing healthcare of the highest quality, to patients of the highest caliber. It has served high-profile patients such as Abraham Lincoln, William McKinley, and even our very own John “Chrystal” Center. Yet today, the doctors have witnessed a truly once-in-alifetime event. Notable alum and generous donor Washington Winkle, Class of 1970, awoke from a thirty-year coma in what medical specialists are calling “complete bullshit.”

“It doesn’t [redacted] work like that!” said Dr. Mael Praktiss about the situation. “You don’t just jump out of bed like nothing [redacted] happened! You need months of physical therapy at minimum to regain any sort of mobility. This is completely [redacted] absurd. [redacted]!” This continued in a very impressive, very long tirade about the mechanics of coma recovery, but unfortunately Dr. Praktiss asked us to censor the swear words out so that she would maintain her family-friendly image.

While medical professionals may be worked up over his miraculous recovery, Winkle himself is concerned over far more serious matters, such as just how far Grinnell has fallen since he became comatose.

“It’s preposterous. They’re calling us the Harvard of the Midwest. Back in my day, Harvard was the Grinnell of the East Coast. And the UN Headquarters has been moved to New York City of all places…what were they thinking? I’ve also heard news about the Farm House losing its farm. Ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous.”

Moreover, Grinnell has apparently lost its reputation as “the Wild Midwest.” Winkle related stories of the “old Grinnell” that would make even the most shameless heathens blush. Self-gov once meant that Hawkeye flowed from dorm lounge sinks, dishline workers and cheery checkers did lines of coke in the JRC bathrooms, and the GWSS SEPC hired strippers for its welcome sessions. Winkle scornfully dismissed Grinnell today as “the mid Wild West.”

Winkle shared many other changes that Grinnell underwent in the decade since 2013, but the list was unfortunately confiscated by the Central Grintelligence Agency (CGA) as a matter of state security. However, our reporter did manage to remember what Winkle felt was the most important change was the new coat of paint in the Noyce Science Center. “It’s parchment now. Why did they change it? It was always eggshell before, and now they changed it to parchment. Grinnell has really gone downhill while I was asleep.” 

Reportedly, Winkle plans to go back into a coma for another thirty years in the hopes that things will be better once he wakes up. Whether they do or not remains to be seen