Grinnell's Bastion of Journalistic Integrity

Month: April 2022 Page 1 of 2

Haha What If Students Were Forced to Eat Off Of Trays

by Anna Lipari

In what was presented as an effort to reduce waste, Grinnell College dining hall did not provide reusable or disposable plates for lunch on Monday, April 25th. Students were encouraged to eat their meals directly off of serving trays, though small paper drink cups were provided for soups, beverages, and any other food items students would rather not have sliding loose on their trays.

This policy received heavy criticism from students, who voiced concerns such as “I was forced to sign up for this meal plan at $18 dollars a meal and don’t want to get fiberglass and paint flakes in my food,” “I feel like a filthy little pig eating filthy little pig slop,” and “Why can’t the college use some of its $2.93 billion endowment to buy some plates?”

Egg Hunt ‘Respecting Boundaries’ Follow Up Emails Getting Bizarrely Specific

By Dale Bell 

JRC—With the Grinnell College “Campus Wide Egg Hunt” entering its second week showing no signs of abatement, the Administration has been forced to send a series of increasingly specific “Respecting Boundaries” emails clarifying where students shouldn’t be looking. The Egg Hunt, which started on the eleventh and continued with a second infusion of eggs on fourteenth has captivated student attention like no other event since students were given the opportunity to go to the island to get hunted. 

However, it seems that the Weekend Coordinators overestimated the enthusiasm that Grinnellians would take to the hunt, whose more prestigious prizes include air pods, priority in DHALL lines, and a full year’s tuition in cash. To counter the overzealous reaction from students Admin sent the first of many “EGG HUNT: Respecting Boundaries” emails on the eleventh: 

APRIL 11th 4:39 PM: We hope you are enjoying the egg hunt! We just want to let you know that all eggs are hidden in SHARED SPACES. Please do not disturb classes, office spaces and cabinetry. Let us know if you have any questions! 

Students Sent to the Island to get Hunted

By Javy Rommel-Ruiz

THE ISLAND—Annette Hunter, 25’, gazes dramatically into the sunset, recalling the events that led her here. 

It was only a short month ago that Hunter made a seemingly innocuous comment to Professor Ann Taganist about wanting her final project in ENG-101: Prey and Royale, to be reenacting Richard Connell’s “The Most Dangerous Game” over spring break. But Professor Taganist suggested that she check Handshake for internships first.  

That night, after a caffeine-fueled frenzy to finish a midterm paper, and covered in the blood, sweat and tears of Grill workers, Hunter found herself browsing handshake. And there she saw it, the holy trinity of student opportunities: an unpaid, alt. break, externship with Going to the Island to get Hunted. GTTITGH advertises itself as the elite student experience only available to only the most goal oriented and sycophantic students. 

Scarlet and Hey! Give that Back! Day

JRC– During the approximately 30-hour window of Grinnell’s annual Scarlet and Give Back Day, no fewer than 12 students filed reports of on-campus muggings. While the locations of the incidents varied across campus, students uniformly reported that the perpetrator was tall, had an unnaturally round head covered in tufts of chestnut fur, wore a Grinnell College sweatshirt, and escaped on a golf cart.  

First year Malia Rogers `25 was leaving the JRC after enjoying a classic Taco Thursday lunch with her friends. “I was just rounding the corner by the whale room, when I bumped into this big, soft, and fluffy thing.” After colliding with the perpetrator, Rogers’ glasses fell to the ground. “I put them back on just up just in time to see the creature rifle through my bag, grab my wallet, and speed off across Mac Field on the golf cart,” she said. She had seen Scarlet the [REDACTED] on campus during Scarlet and Give Back Day, but it had always been in the company of staff from the Office of Development and Alumni Relations, who seem to serve as the mascot’s handlers, preventing this kind of rogue behavior.  

Administration Repurposes Tunnels Under The School As New Rooms

By Dale Bell

SOMEWHERE DEEP BENEATH MAC FIELD—In a move that’s been lauded by Grinnell Administration as a “cost effective” and “ingenious” solution to the student housing shortage, Grinnell Administration has launched an initiative repurposing the subterranean tunnels that run between dorms as student housing.

In a press conference held yesterday Admin spokesperson Mark de Sade explained the decision: “We’ve decided, with this year’s influx of students straining our housing system, that we need to expand for the good of the student body. We entertained several methods for the expansion: hanging hammocks from the molecule sculpture in the Nelbow, pitching yurts in Kington Plaza, or retaking West Campus from that horde of meerkats. We even thought we made some progress with that last one, but when we sent our student intern to negotiate with the meerkats, they took him captive. Last we heard they were using him as some sort of court jester… Anyway, yeah, so tunnels were the way to go.”

EDITORIAL: An Interview With The Woman In The Grinnell House Wallpaper

By Anna Lipari

GRINNELL HOUSE, COVID ISOLATION ROOM– 

Anna Lipari: So, do you come here often?

The Woman In The Grinnell House Wallpaper: [stares down from the wallpaper with eyes like hot coals]

AL: How long have you lived in the Grinnell House wallpaper? I’d love to hear a little bit about your journey.

TWITGHW: [crouches down on all fours, continues staring]

Shuttle Designed For You To Spend Maximum Amount Of Time In Airport

By Dale Bell

DES MOINES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT—Early yesterday, sources from inside FM leaked a series of documents confirming that the airport shuttles are intentionally designed for students to spend the maximum amount of time in the airport. The documents included several thousand personalized spreadsheets with calculations, down to the second, maximizing student time in Des Moines airport. 

Speculation as to why the administration would pursue such a path has centered around the discovery of checks, amounting to three million dollars, made out to the college from various airport restaurants including Berk & Chester’s Kitchen + Bar, Friedrich’s Coffee, and Arugula & Rye. However, this theory has been discounted due to the hundred-million dollar expenditure on the quantum computer used to make the maximization calculations, and the use of individual shuttles for every student.

College Gaslights Students

By Clare Newman

Recently, because of understaffing problems thrust upon Grinnell College through no fault of their own that they have absolutely no feasible way of solving, Dining Services has been forced (perhaps through violent means?) to use compostable dishware for some meals. This dishware includes thick paper plates in multiple sizes, small styrofoam bowls, and compostable plastic cutlery in shades of cream and black. The college sent out a campus memo noting that “styrofoam is, in fact, compostable. You don’t have such a good memory, do you?” In the same memo, the administration lamented that they can’t go back to using normal plates until students solve the understaffing issue. The memo stated emphatically that understaffing will remain a huge problem until students stop being so selfish and ungrateful. This point was backed up with quotes from extensive research by ELMG* showing that what the college pays student workers is actually the highest of any business in town, and students should stop making things up for attention. Deven Darnell ‘22 commented “I had thought that styrofoam was impossible to recycle or compost, but I don’t know how I got that silly idea into my head! The college knows best, and they only have our best interests at heart.”

Far From The Frat: University of Alabama Student Takes On Grinnell

 By Carter Ottele

Last semester, Grinnell College joined an exchange program designed to foster intercollegiate community. Last week saw the first participan: Chad Hughes, from the University of Alabama, who spent seven days on Grinnell’s campus. The B&S caught up with him for his reflections on the experience.

Chad, now a senior, explained that he joined the Omega Rho Rho fraternity in his first year. He credits the organization as being his favorite part of the University of Alabama, and when he arrived at Grinnell, he immediately sought a replacement.

“It didn’t take long to figure out, y’all have no frats,” he said. “But that’s chill. I respect that.” Without access to Greek life, Chad slept in Read Hall, which he described as “forgettable”. His first morning, he attended a statistics course. 

“I pulled up at 10 AM and there were like fifteen people there,” Chad told the B&S. As he explained, his time at a large university prepared him for the amount of people present when class started. He did not expect, however, for nobody else to arrive. “It was…  small. I felt like the professor could stare right into my soul. I was so obvious all class. It was a lot harder to hit my vape without him seeing me.”

Soda Machine Drain Contents Repurposed As New ‘Combo’ Drink

By Dale Bell

DHALL—Last week, in a victory for sustainability advocates, Grinnell Administration announced that they would be repurposing the drains at the bottom of the Dhall soda machines as a new “Combo” drink. The decision has been lauded by Grinnell Administration as an “unconventional” and “innovative” solution to food waste concerns raised by the student body. The new system saves a total of seventy-three gallons of various drinks per day for the small price of five million dollars needed to refit the machines, which will be taken out of student wages.

Philbert Moreau, the facilities contractor tasked with upgrading the drink machines, spoke with the B&S about the process in an exclusive interview:

“It was fairly straightforward. We just rerouted all the drains to empty directly into the steam tunnel pipes, where it’s boiled, frozen, sublimated, used as nuclear coolant, and finally a drop of fluoride is added, to make sure it’s safe for human consumption. Then it’s just fed back into the reserves which connect directly to the taps. Easy peasy. Since there’s a limited number of taps, we had to replace that blue Gatorade thing, but it was nasty, so who cares. Anyway, until we get the official branding done the tap label will just be black, which is a pretty good coincidence since that’s usually the color Combo comes out as. Oh, by the way we also fixed the milk machines so you can use the drains there too.”

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