JRC– During the approximately 30-hour window of Grinnell’s annual Scarlet and Give Back Day, no fewer than 12 students filed reports of on-campus muggings. While the locations of the incidents varied across campus, students uniformly reported that the perpetrator was tall, had an unnaturally round head covered in tufts of chestnut fur, wore a Grinnell College sweatshirt, and escaped on a golf cart.  

First year Malia Rogers `25 was leaving the JRC after enjoying a classic Taco Thursday lunch with her friends. “I was just rounding the corner by the whale room, when I bumped into this big, soft, and fluffy thing.” After colliding with the perpetrator, Rogers’ glasses fell to the ground. “I put them back on just up just in time to see the creature rifle through my bag, grab my wallet, and speed off across Mac Field on the golf cart,” she said. She had seen Scarlet the [REDACTED] on campus during Scarlet and Give Back Day, but it had always been in the company of staff from the Office of Development and Alumni Relations, who seem to serve as the mascot’s handlers, preventing this kind of rogue behavior.  

Given that the 2022 Scarlet and Give Back Day festivities have culminated, students, staff, and visitors should be safe to wander campus, though it is advisable to travel in groups. Until further notice, pedestrians should avoid visibly carrying their wallets or snacks containing nuts on the premises. For community members interested in an extra measure of defense, portable spray bottles and holsters are available for pickup at Student Affairs (third floor of the JRC) or Campus Safety (Mears Cottage).  

Reached for comment, a spokesperson for the Office of Development and Alumni Relations denied any official knowledge or involvement with the recent scourge of “mercenary donation incidents,” on campus, but said that the office is looking into the allegations. While they expressed their sympathy and support to the affected students, assistant director for funding strategy Chadwick Frank reminded them that their stolen cash would still be counted toward their class donation totals, bringing them and their peers closer to the promise of free Dari Barn.