By Dale Bell

SOMEWHERE DEEP BENEATH MAC FIELD—In a move that’s been lauded by Grinnell Administration as a “cost effective” and “ingenious” solution to the student housing shortage, Grinnell Administration has launched an initiative repurposing the subterranean tunnels that run between dorms as student housing.

In a press conference held yesterday Admin spokesperson Mark de Sade explained the decision: “We’ve decided, with this year’s influx of students straining our housing system, that we need to expand for the good of the student body. We entertained several methods for the expansion: hanging hammocks from the molecule sculpture in the Nelbow, pitching yurts in Kington Plaza, or retaking West Campus from that horde of meerkats. We even thought we made some progress with that last one, but when we sent our student intern to negotiate with the meerkats, they took him captive. Last we heard they were using him as some sort of court jester… Anyway, yeah, so tunnels were the way to go.”

Student response to the new dorms has been mixed. Eli Zola, a second-year who was moved into one of the new dorms after his roommate got COVID, told the B&S about his experience. “My room is great. It’s got a floor and a ceiling, what more do you really need? I do wish it had windows, life without sunlight is weird. I was hanging out with a couple friends in my dorm, and we lost track of time, next time I checked my email I found out two days had passed. It really sucked because I missed the bus to go to the island to get hunted.”

Melissa Cormac, a third-year, had a less positive experience, saying: “It’s been terrible since I moved in. I woke up one night and my pillow was too warm, so I flipped it over, but it scurried away. I’m also pretty sure I found a human skeleton while I was trying to find my way to the bathroom.”

Ulysses Joyce, a first-year who has decided to transfer after his room change, told the B&S about his experience as well, saying: “Sometimes there are noises at night, noises that sound almost human… and every now and then, when I’m walking back to the surface, I see a pale shadow slip just out of my line of sight. There is something going on down here that isn’t right…” Joyce is an example of one of the many students who have been unable to stop speaking in rhymes since moving into the tunnels.

While pursuing this lead B&S investigators managed to obtain classified documents from an anonymous source inside Admin. These docs show an attempt from the 70’s where the Psychology Department sent fifteen students into the tunnels as a part of a MAP. Of the fifteen, only four returned, none of whom ever spoke again.

Based on this information the B&S is ready to confirm that the tunnels are haunted by ghosts, mole people, or some mole-person ghost combination. This revelation seems to have had little effect on student enthusiasm for the new rooms with Zola saying, “Mole people or not, a single is a single.”