Grinnell's Bastion of Journalistic Integrity

Category: Binston Swongo

Dear Binston Swongo: How Can I Run a Successful Business?

By Jude Morgan

Dear Binston Swongo, 

I’ve reached my breaking point. As a small business owner, I believe fully that this cruel and terrible world has it out for honest people trying to make a living. I started off as a humble arms manufacturer, just trying to make a buck and change helping out the common folk. Yet as of late, it seems as if society looks down upon hard workers like myself, choosing to favor more trendy ideas such as “ethics” and “workers’ rights” and “undergraduate labor unions”. It pains me even further to see the once great institution Grinnell fall down this path. What’s next? Paid leave? I shudder at the thought. 

Despite my many qualms I still continue to exceed profit margins beyond my wildest dreams, but deep down my feelings are hurt. How can I sleep at night knowing that there is no hope for the preservation of tradition? 

– A Morally Ambiguous Alum 

Dear Binston Swongo: I (34M) was recently divorced and am struggling to get back into the college dating scene.

By Josh Payong

 Dear Binston Swongo,

I (34M) was recently divorced and am struggling to get back into the college dating scene. My ex-wife and I were students at Grinnell as members of the class of ‘11, but dropped out to engage in the artistic pursuit of being a Feetfinder Connoisseur. However, as my toes wrinkled and my soles turned a sickening yellow, my wife (38F) stopped finding pleasure in sucking them. Thus, our relationship has ended, and I have returned to Grinnell to finish my studies.

Dear Binston Swongo: A Digestive Dilemma

[Editor’s note: I don’t know what this means either]

By Henry Coen

Dear Binston Swongo 

There is no easy way to say this… I can’t stop pooping. This is my first year at Grinnell, and ever since I arrived, my bowel movement has been out of whack. I wonder if anyone else at Grinnell has experienced a similar problem. If so, any solutions? Please help. I am writing this from a toilet.

Salmonella Shitmaka ’27

 

Dear Binston Swongo: Summer Job Search

By Carter Ottele

Dear Binston Swongo,

How can I secure a decent summer job? People keep telling me that a Grinnell education goes a long way, but so far, it hasn’t even gotten me to the interview stage of any internship applications. I have strong grades and decent writing skills…what else am I supposed to do? As far as I know, there are only three types of jobs available to undergraduate students: highly prestigious unpaid internships with 0.5% acceptance rates, summer camp counselors, and dishwashers. I don’t like kids, I worked as a dishwasher last summer, and now I’m hoping to expand my résumé before applying to grad schools. Please help!

– Desperately Unemployable (or is it Unemployably Desperate?)

Dear Binston Swongo: D-Hall Delicacies

By Liv Hage

Dear Mr. Swongo, 

The food here has been getting worse and worse. I’ve been here for 3 years, and I’m sick of eating the same bland meals over and over again. Sometimes just walking into D-Hall makes me feel nauseous, I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. Do you have any advice for navigating D-Hall? Any secret recipes or ways to game the system? If I eat another sad yellow curry from the Vegan section, I’m going to run into a field and cry, watering the corn with my tears. Please help. 

Sincerely, Depressed in D-Hall

Dear B&S: First-Year Roommate Drama

By Carter Ottele

Dear Binston Swongo,

I’m really sorry to bother you. I just have a tiny little conflict with my roommate, and I was wondering if you could help. I know, I’m in college now, I’m supposed to be able to resolve my own problems—it’s just that I haven’t dealt with anything like this before. 

My roommate, Maximilian Equitus of Gloucester IV (fake name), has decided to start sacrificing animals on his side of the room. It started with sparrows and stuff, but now he’s moving to larger creatures like goats and illegally-imported gazelles. Max has also threatened to sacrifice my pet chinchilla. I’m completely willing to accommodate diverse religious practices, but Cthulhu isn’t a real religious deity…right? And last night, when I threatened to call the police, Max showed me the All Cops Are Bastards sticker on his water bottle, totally negating my entire argument. What can I do?

Mildly Concerned First Year

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