Grinnell's Bastion of Journalistic Integrity

Month: November 2022 Page 1 of 2

Dear B&S: My Roommates Refuse To Complain About My Sex Life

By David Gales

Dear Binston Swongo, 

 I have a lovely partner here at Grinnell, and the two of us have a great sex life. We met at the Hardee’s our first year, before it closed down. I can still remember when our eyes first met and I saw their pupils dilate as they ordered a signature Hand-Breaded Chicken Sandwich. From that very moment, I knew that I had to have them. They railed me two hours later.

Since then, I’ve gotten a house off-campus with a few friends, and my bedroom has proven to be much more comfortable than the HSSC classrooms we normally use. But, I’ve run into a bit of a problem–my roommates play really loud music a lot of the time, and I’m starting to worry that they can’t hear me having sex. 

Dorm Fire On South Results In Contact High For Entire Campus

By Dale Bell

GRINNELL, IA—Disaster struck campus late last week, after a fire, which started in a room in Cleveland Hall, spread and incinerated most of the dorm. While no students were injured, it appears that the inferno has burned over six hundred pounds of marijuana stored across the dorm, creating a cloud of pot smoke so strong and large it has resulted in a contact high for most of the campus, and parts of the town. 

All attempts to put out the blaze have failed, with firefighters unable to continue their jobs for more than twenty minutes without snack breaks, which eventually turn into cuddle piles and extended naps. Administration officials have tried to arrange provisions for the munchy-ridden firefighters with several truckloads of TOSTITOS® Hint of Spicy Queso Chips, but ended up eating most of the bags themselves after they left a window open.

Union Releases New List of Positions and Demands

By Carter Ottele

Last week, the Union of Grinnell Student Dining Workers (UGSDW) announced support for the occupied territory of Palestine. Citing solidarity with Palestinian workers, they outlined plans to protest the Israeli government’s actions and follow the BDS model—Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions.  

Today, November 20, 2022, the UGSDW released a list of 20 new position statements. As a trusted source of public knowledge and civic responsibility, the B&S has decided to publish them here with direct quotes from the position statements when applicable. 

1. We stand in solidarity with the Amazon Labor Union.

2. We stand in solidarity with Starbucks Workers United. 

3. We stand in solidarity with the workers of Mama Jo’s Lobster Shop in Chesapeake Beach, Maryland.

In a Tinder direct message the UGSDW said, “idk if they’re organizing but that lobster roll is so fucking good.” 

Come to [17]90’s Harris!

by Bella Nesbeth

Students Disappointed with Course Selection After Three Rounds of Registration

By Ethan Hughes 

BURLING LIBRARY – Last week many, Grinelians reported “anxiety and terror” as another round of class registration loomed over them. B&S reporters believe this to be the second, or maybe third round, although reports from students, staff, and administrators heavily conflict. A quote from third year Morgan Paige, who we found sobbing in a cranny under the Burling jungle gym: “Why would they make the stress of class registration take three weeks? That’s just brilliant! Plus it’s like so confusing and obtuse as a system. What do they expect of us? To actually read our emails? I get a hundred handshake alerts and student memos a week. I can’t read everything.” 

A New Political Alignment Sweeps Grinnell

By Catherine Terelak

NOYCE SCIENCE CENTER – With tough talk flying from both sides of the proverbial aisle, everyone is going crazy in today’s political climate. Cody, the only boy in your GWSS class, is one of many feeling the pressure: “Lately, it seems like you’re supposed to be an omni-sexual Marxist or an oil baron/backchannel arms dealer, and there’s no in-between.” 

Most Americans are solving the problem of political affiliation by slipping out of their meat suits and sliding into the warm caverns of CyberSpace, where they can play Brain Games and collect NFTs to purchase a political identity, but some are detaching wholesale from the hyper-polarized mainstream—these radical moderates are calling themselves the Alt-Center.

First-Years Leave Drag Confused and Erect

By B&S Staff

HARRIS CENTER – On November 12, 2022 with a start time of 7:00 GST (Grinnell Standard Time, so 45 minutes later than the given time), the Grinnell student population became even more bisexual than they already were, which we didnt think was possible. The B&S spoke with first-year students, who previously identified as straight, after the show. Every interviewee reported a sudden shift in their sexuality that they attribute to the phenomenal performers at Drag.  

Norbert Sherman `26 said he attended the event with his entire tutorial class and professor as a bonding activity; the syllabus for the tutorial listed Drag as a mandatory event. When Sherman returned to tutorial the following Tuesday, the entirety of the class period was spent discussing their mutual crush on the person who performed in the cowboy hat. Their next mandatory class event will be spent exploring the many services provided in the Stonewall Resource Center, a save haven for Grinnell’s queer community.  

Editorial: Nerfed on my Noyce

by Gabby Hernandez

JOE ROSENFELD CENTER– On November 15, 2022, alumni Janice Joplin `98 came to Grinnell College to speak about her massively successful breakthrough novel, Nerfed on My Noyce: A Robert Noyce and Joe Rosenfield Love Story, which instantly sold out when it hit the shelves of the Pioneer Bookshop, Grinnell College’s bookstore, in 2020. Shortly after that, Joplin’s novel went nation-wide. It can easily be found in Barnes & Nobles and other local bookstores.

The success of Jopline’s novel has also become the success of Grinnell College; since its release, applications to Grinnell College have soared, reaching numbers as high as 140,000 applicants each year. According to Berenice Sanders, Assistant to the Dean of the Registrar, the most common theme in the applicants’ personal essays was the profound impact Joplin’s novel had on their life, identity, and career path.

Grinnell Hires Liz Truss As Endowment Manager

By Carter Otelle

GRINNELL, IA—This past week, Grinnell College announced via Student Campus Memo that Liz Truss, the ex-Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, has been hired as the College’s endowment manager. Per the memo, the newly-created position will give Truss unilateral decision-making power over the institution’s $3.4 billion endowment, as well as veto power on the NCAA D-III Security Council.

Truss achieved international notoriety for her brief stint as Prime Minister. Staying for only six weeks, it represents the shortest term for any Prime Minister in UK history. Her term was marked by legislative stagnation, economic instability, the death of Queen Elizabeth II, and a conspicuous crouton shortage in Wales. Per one tweet posted by an unverified Twitter account and reposted by a misinformation account on Instagram, “[Truss] came, she killed the queen, she crashed the pound, and she left.”

Those Dropped From First Round of Course Registration Forced To Participate In Sadistic Scavenger Hunt, Says Registrar’s Office

By David Gales

The Grinnell College Registrar announced on Tuesday, November 1 that all students cut from their first choice courses this year will be expected to participate in an Amazing Race-style competition in order to find replacements for their schedule. 

In an email sent out at 3:57 PM, the Registrar’s office stated, “If you don’t get into your first choice courses, there will be a grace add/drop period in which you can register for new ones. Because first-come first-serve has received complaints in the past, we are implementing a new priority system.” They went on to explain that this grace period will require in-person registration for all students living in the town of Grinnell. Next Sunday, November 13, all students cut from their first choice classes will be expected to gather outside the Registrar’s office at 5:59 AM, to begin registration promptly at 6:00.

“We are excited for this new opportunity to prove our dedication to equality,” said Assistant Registrar Harold Anderson, “and our willingness to constantly improve course registration. Despite what people might say, this system is better, and it did need to change.”

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