By Carter Ottele

Last week, the Union of Grinnell Student Dining Workers (UGSDW) announced support for the occupied territory of Palestine. Citing solidarity with Palestinian workers, they outlined plans to protest the Israeli government’s actions and follow the BDS model—Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions.  

Today, November 20, 2022, the UGSDW released a list of 20 new position statements. As a trusted source of public knowledge and civic responsibility, the B&S has decided to publish them here with direct quotes from the position statements when applicable. 

1. We stand in solidarity with the Amazon Labor Union.

2. We stand in solidarity with Starbucks Workers United. 

3. We stand in solidarity with the workers of Mama Jo’s Lobster Shop in Chesapeake Beach, Maryland.

In a Tinder direct message the UGSDW said, “idk if they’re organizing but that lobster roll is so fucking good.” 

4. We renounce our solidarity with Kenyon Student Worker Organizing Committee.

In a message via carrier pigeon the UGSDW said, “maybe you shouldn’t have stolen our ideas, Greg.” 

5. We propose lower prices on Spencer Grill fruit cups 

6. We propose a proposal to reform Australian Parliament 

In a report from a Union spy in said parliament, “it’s a bureaucratic nightmare” 

7. We propose to redesign the Australian Parliament House.

In the same report, “it’s such an eyesore. mitchell/giurgola & thorp architects are utter trash.” 

8. We demand firm delineation between hotdogs and sandwiches.

9. We demand firm endorsement of Raphael Warnock for reelection as US Senator.

10. We demand firm endorsement of Jack Skellington for reelection as Pumpkin King of Halloween Town 

In a picket line speech representatives said, “this is a top priority for the UGSDW.” 

11. We propose a plan to secure protections for academic workers.

12. We demand firm denunciation of colonialism across the world. 

“Every group has the right to self-determination. We stand in solidarity with oppressed peoples worldwide and reaffirm the values of dignity, independence, and equality that all human beings deserve,” the Union said.  

13. We propose a proposal to colonize Mars by Spring 2025, consisting of: 

          a. A distinction between terrestrial and extraterrestrial colonization.

          b. Collaboration with Grinnell Observatory in order to find a suitable landing spot.

          c. Collaboration with a defense contractor (TBD) in order to construct a rocket.

In shared Google Doc outlining their thoughts and ideas the Union said, “how come everyone who builds spaceships also drops bombs????” 

          d. A process for selecting astronauts.

          e. A reminder that, once again, colonizing Mars differs from colonizing Earth.

14. We stand in solidarity with migrant workers. 

15. We stand in support of Microsoft Bing.

16. We call for Connecticut and Rhode Island to merge into one state 

“Have y’all ever seen a map of the USA before? It’s so screwed up because California is one state. Texas is one state. and then that bitch-ass motherfucker Rhode Island thinks it’s worth something. Like, get over yourself. You’re the size of a county. You’re literally not even an island. We don’t understand why more people aren’t upset about this,” the Union said while waiting in line for stir fry.  

17. We propose a proposal to reform Australian tax law on residential rental properties. 

“Bro, why can’t we claim a repayment of principal against the loan balance as a borrowing expense?” asked the undercover UGSDW member, who is also struggling to survive economically in Australia. 

18. We propose a suggestion to change “Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions” to “Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions Model.” 

19. We call for the opening of a Mama Jo’s Lobster Shop in Grinnell. 

20. We stand in solidarity with the selection of “YMCA” by Village People as the official UGSDW anthem.