By Dale Bell

GRINNELL, IA—Disaster struck campus late last week, after a fire, which started in a room in Cleveland Hall, spread and incinerated most of the dorm. While no students were injured, it appears that the inferno has burned over six hundred pounds of marijuana stored across the dorm, creating a cloud of pot smoke so strong and large it has resulted in a contact high for most of the campus, and parts of the town. 

All attempts to put out the blaze have failed, with firefighters unable to continue their jobs for more than twenty minutes without snack breaks, which eventually turn into cuddle piles and extended naps. Administration officials have tried to arrange provisions for the munchy-ridden firefighters with several truckloads of TOSTITOS® Hint of Spicy Queso Chips, but ended up eating most of the bags themselves after they left a window open.

For more information on this story, the B&S spoke with Edmund Steele, the student whose room the fire started in, after agreeing to pixelate his face and modify his voice:

“Yeah the fire started in my room. I stole one of the vending machines in the loggia cause like, free tepid sprite, fuck yeah, but the second I hooked it up to the outlet in my room it just burst into flames. I already had a good bit of weed in my room, but I never would have thought that there was as much in Cleve as there turned out to be. Or, I guess, after having heard that the third floor is almost all philosophy majors I was actually surprised the cloud didn’t cover the whole goddamn state…”

The B&S spoke to several other students about their opinions on the mishap, with responses ranging from “Huh, what was the question?” to “Dude, my teeth, are like, universes… Duuuuuude. Oh my god, like, skeletons, holy shit skeletons exist inside people. I’m like infinite right now. Should I take philosophy? Duuuuuuude, I could go for an Uncrustable™.”

The state government has vowed to intervene in the crisis after getting an “absolutely unhinged” voicemail from Grinnell mayor Spiro Nix, with Mark deSade, a spokesperson for the Governor, saying “We are considering all options when dealing with the disaster in Grinnell, including building a huge dome around the city, picking the city up and moving it to Massachusetts Avengers-style, or a targeted nuclear strike.

Much criticism has been directed at the Administration’s slow reaction to the crisis. Swift response has been especially difficult after top Administrators made the decision to fire 99% of staff yesterday for failing their weekly drug tests. 

As of press time, the haze seems to have started affecting academic classes, with members of the Physics faculty canceling class after realizing that their theorems “can never truly explain what existence is, man.” English classes have continued with no changes.