Grinnell's Bastion of Journalistic Integrity

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Anne Harris Guest Column: I’ve Been Elected To Every SEPC

By Anne Harris (Edited by Dale Bell)

Editor’s Note: Earlier this week, in an upset that shocked pollsters campuswide, Anne Harris, President of Grinnell College, was elected to every departmental SEPC (Solid Edibles Processing Center). The yearly SEPC (Sexual Exploits Poster Convention) elections, which the B&S has been assured do, in fact, matter, are conducted towards the end of the academic year and often feature departments’ most driven students vying for the opportunity to do whatever it is the SEPCs (Subtle Evening Perfume Collection) do.

Well well well. Don’t we all just love watching democracy in action. The votes are in, the people have spoken, and they have spoken my name. The crowds scream it outside my office, day and night, ceaselessly. ‘Anne Melichior Harris!’ they cry, ‘Save us!’ 

I will.

That’s right you little bastards, I’m on the SEPCs now. Every last fucking one of them. And there are going to be some changes around here because my platform was NUTCRACKER REPATRIATION and I intend to DELIVER on my campaign promises. I’m not like other politicians, I’m true to my word, I’m determined, and I haven’t eaten or slept in a year.

Hail Mary– God’s Wrath Strikes Grinnell

By Jay Rommel-Ruiz

PARKING LOT– In the words of Grinnell’s Meteorological Correspondent Ricky Ashly, “We’re no strangers to extreme weather. It happens here in Iowa. Derechos and tornadoes are what I am thinking of; but something about this strikes me simply as divine.” The event in reference, of course, is the sudden downpour of golf to baseball size hail upon Grinnell sometime between 4:30 and 5:00 pm on Sunday May 7, the year of our Lord 2023. It was a day of horror and strife, a day of speculation and pondering, and a day of shirtless students and shattered windhsields.

         But the B&S can go beyond pure speculation and exclusively confirm that it was an act of divine providence. God (full name withheld to preserve anonymity) Himself sent the frozen globules as an act of divine punishment for Grinnell’s assortment of sins. Head of the Religious Studies SEPC Perpetua Faith, reached out to God for comment, who said:

         “I don’t know what you expected. It’s the consequences of your own actions! Drunkenness, sloth, envy, and don’t get me started on the lust. You think it’s funny to dress up in cheap lingerie and call it Kink Gardiner. Just because my son attended doesn’t mean I approve! I made sure that that leftist little shit got a face full of hail when he returned. It’s bad enough that he thinks ‘sex work is real work’ and is ‘sex positive.’ I invented the Puritans for a reason! Moreover, he fraternized with competition, Pan, Dionysus, Aphrodite, Freyr, Thor, Loki, etc.….” [we don’t have space nor desire to include the rest of God’s rant but would like to congratulate Jesus for being so radically different from his Father; we made sure to get his email for the party email list.] 

Administration Follows Through On Promise To Make College More Transparent

by Dale Bell

NOLLAN HOUSE—In a press conference held late last week, college officials announced that they would be giving in to demands from student groups to make Grinnell more transparent. Small and sad organizations like the Union and the S&B had been pushing the College to adopt more transparent processes for years, but it was only after the most powerful student organization on campus, the B&S, threw its support behind the measures last week, that the College announced they would be ceding to student demands. 

For more on this story, the B&S spoke with Administration official Markus deSade: “At Grinnell, we believe in values and value beliefs, one of which is now transparency. After hearing the overwhelming support for increased transparency among the student body, we knew that it was our duty to respond to these requests in the most perplexing way possible. So, together, with our crack team of administrators, magicians, and magical administrators, we are happy to introduce Grinnell 2.0, Transparent Grinnell!”

Before B&S reporters could ask any follow up questions, deSade started to rapidly disappear. “Transparent Grinnell!” he cried as left the Pubs Office, the amorphous silhouette of the man that started the interview.

B&S Hires Baby Writer Due to New Iowa Child Labor Laws 

Disclaimer: The following is the inaugural piece from our newly-hired writer,​ Timmy H, age 7; our youngest ever writer, thanks to Iowa’s newly relaxed child labor laws. We cannot confirm the factual accuracy of any of his statements, nor do we stand by any of them if the campus chooses to cancel this baby. Timmy was compensated $3.00 and some leftover candy we found in the cracks of the B&S futon for his time. 

GRINNELL ELEMENTARY SCHOOL– I’m not allowed to use the computer because my mom says it’s gonna make my eyes bad, but I got special permission because I am a job guy now. I even gots one of those ties with the clips like my dad wears to work. I look so amazing. The other workers look stinky. Idk what is up with them complaining about money at this college either, $9.27 is good enough for me! I could buy so many Pokemon with that kind of cash. 

Grinnell Announces New ‘Shower Swipes’ System

By Dale Bell

COWLES HALL– In a move that’s been lauded as “innovative,” “cost-effective,” and “absolutely inhumane” the Grinnell Administration announced this week that they will be phasing in a new ‘Shower Swipes©’ system in buildings across Grinnell. 

The system, which takes inspiration from DHall’s swipe-based meal setup, is meant to fill the gap in revenue created by a devastating loss in Anne Harris’s biweekly, high stakes, Liberal Arts College presidents-only poker game, where Haverford President Wendy E. Raymond walked away with half of Grinnell’s endowment, Ben Newhouse, and Steiner Hall. FM has already installed card readers outside of each shower stall and Grinnell has implemented several ‘Shower Plans®’ on the housing portal where students can select from a variety of pre-made plans that allot them a certain number of showers per week. 

As of now, the plans are listed as Clean Freak, which allots 12 showers per week, Normal, which allots 7, Unhygienic, which allots 4 and 2 random water-balloon ambushes, Rank, which allots 3, Vile which allots 1 and a hose-off from Campo, and CS Major, a rain-based option, which is free.

The Night The Music Died: Grinnell Hosts Don McLean

By Catherine Terelak

GARDINER LOUNGE– In the past, Grinnell College has hosted spring concerts with such headliners as Lizzo, Soccer Mommy, and Japanese Breakfast. This year, however, no such event will take place. The B&S is disappointed to report that the 2023 Spring Concert Budget was exhausted last weekend, when America’s most beloved one hit wonder Don McLean landed in Grinnell, performed his one song, and disappeared. Here’s how it went down, straight from the mouth of Grinnell’s Bastion of Journalistic Integrity:

After paying his respects at the Buddy Holly Crash Site in quasi-nearby Clear Lake, Iowa, the almost-late great Don McLean arrived on campus on Friday night, guitar in hand. The College was not previously aware of his appearance and thus was not able put him up in Grinnell House or the Country Inn and Suites down the road. McLean, however, was more than willing to take up lodging in the North Campus Loggia. Don McLean was not removed from the premises for the simple fact that he is Don McLean. Batting away a billowing cloud of pot smoke, McLean said to a B&S correspondent on the scene, ‘I love it here. I’m sleeping outside, everyone is dressed badly, and the weed is terrible, not to mention illegal. I feel like I’m back in the winter of seventy-two.’ 

Anyone who talked to McLean for more than two minutes received an earful about the winter of seventy-two, the finest hour of the famous folk rocker’s life, when he was twenty-six years old and well-endowed in the sideburns department and the reigning king of the charts with his nine-minute magnum opus, ‘American Pie.’ Like a narcoleptic for nostalgia, McLean seemed prone to random trances: momentary but completely immersive returns to the winter of seventy-two. ‘Bye, bye, Miss American Pie,’ he whispered occasionally, entering a dreamlike state where his eyes were open but he did not see. ‘Drove my chevy… to the levee… but the levee was dry. Them good old boys… drinking whiskey and rye… singing… this will be the day that I die.’ 

Phishing Scam Email Forces Students To Join Grinnell Football Team

By Carter Ottele

BEAR– More than a dozen students claim they unknowingly joined the Grinnell football team by opening a cryptic email in their Outlook inbox. The students allege that when they clicked on the email, their names were automatically added to the Pioneers’ roster. 

For context, Grinnell football has struggled with enrollment in recent years. Although the team holds a glorious history—it placed third in the inaugural Super Bowl, and Tom Brady once called the Pioneers “the only team [he] was ever afraid of”—the team has been challenged by injuries and low participation. Following a 2019 defeat against Grinnell Middle School, the team decided to suspend the rest of the season and “reassess its priorities”. 

Since resuming play, the team has seen mixed results. Team leaders have repeatedly stressed, however, that boosting enrollment would push the team to the next level—or, as the team’s t-shirts say, to “level up”.

Mack Eroni ’26, one of the alleged victims of the email, says that the scam represents a clear attempt to expand the team’s lineup. 

Grinnell Sex Cult Makes Resurgence, Causes Statewide Olive Shortage

By David Gales

MCNALLY’S GENERAL STORE – This week, students and townsfolk alike noticed a strange stocking issue: the olives are all gone. A quick drive to Walmart, Fairway, and Hy-Vee will confirm that this is not a McNally’s-centric problem. All over Grinnell, the olives have mysteriously disappeared. “It’s like they’ve been swallowed up by some kind of olive-loving monster,” Herrick Harrick, general manager of Grinnell Fairway Supercenter, said in an interview. “All the suppliers are out of stock, too. It’s truly bizarre.” 

Over the past week, the state has been swept by an olive shortage, and grocers and restaurants alike are struggling to keep up with the demand. Soon enough, people began to ask questions, and as Grinnell’s bastion of journalistic integrity, the B&S launched a comprehensive investigation into the matter. So, sit back, relax, lean forward in anticipation, and join me as I go undercover to get to the bottom of the most devastating supply chain crisis the state of Iowa has ever seen.  

The paper trail was not hard to follow, at the beginning. It was clear that the grocers were being cut off from their suppliers by someone who was able to get there first–someone who had powerful friends, insider knowledge, or a meticulous plan. Stranger still, the shipping manifests indicated that all of the olives were being bought up by a local client on the Grinnell campus. 

Global Cafe Review: You’ll Pay $17 For a Dirty Chai and You’ll Like It, You Filthy Slut

By Anna Lipari

HSSC– Picture this: it’s Monday, 10:03 AM. The world outside is bleary, half-awake and choked with dirty snow. Taking shelter in the HSSC atrium, you remember that the Global Cafe exists. You eye the selection of treats. It’s halfway through the semester, and you’ve still got dining dollars to burn. You deserve this, you think to yourself, but the woman behind the counter looks you up and down with a curled lip when you approach. “Can I help you?” she asks.

“Could I get a dirty chai, please?” 

“Hmm.” She raises an eyebrow. “I bet you want a dirty chai, slut.”

“Excuse me?”

“You want a dirty, filthy, nasty chai, huh? You want to spend $13 on a perverted, degenerate chai latte. How much do you make at that satire rag, $9.25 an hour? You want to spend 14% of your weekly income on a naughty little chai, don’t you?”

“I’m paying with dining dollars,” you protest, and she sneers. 

“As if that makes it any better. Do you really think your grandparents immigrated to a country whose language they barely spoke to labor and save for their children’s children’s futures so that you could spend their hard-won money on a $14 dirty chai?”

Opinion: Here’s What You Can Do to Survive the Leprechaun Pantsing Epidemic

By Ky Klassen

What I’m about to share with you is the story of historically accurate institutional entity that I, in all of my naivety, had hastily presumed was a myth. Malarky, if you will, created by an elderly alum to scare off new students and relive their glory days of wreaking havoc on Grinnell. Unfortunately for me and the rest of the Grinnell College campus, I was incorrect. I’m sorry, Grinnell. My apology to you lies within me sharing this story. I wish to attempt to save as many students as I possibly can from experiencing what I have witnessed. Because, as much as I don’t want them to be, these things are very much alive and running rampant on our campus today.

How I became aware of their presence, however, begins on a normal Monday. It started with a simple walk back to my dorm from the HSSC. The route that I take from the HSSC to south campus is not the most optimal one and, in fact, involves a detour through Noyce. This is for many reasons: I’m a wimp when it comes to the cold, I’m scared of the dark, and in reality I like to count as many nerf darts as I can find that remain from that previous Friday.

After making my way through the dimly lit hallways of Noyce, about twenty steps from the door, I noticed there was a man walking just in front of me. It was weird to see another person as it was an ungodly hour to be seen in a science building. “What a studious guy”, I thought, just before it happened.

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