Disclaimer: The following is the inaugural piece from our newly-hired writer,​ Timmy H, age 7; our youngest ever writer, thanks to Iowa’s newly relaxed child labor laws. We cannot confirm the factual accuracy of any of his statements, nor do we stand by any of them if the campus chooses to cancel this baby. Timmy was compensated $3.00 and some leftover candy we found in the cracks of the B&S futon for his time. 

GRINNELL ELEMENTARY SCHOOL– I’m not allowed to use the computer because my mom says it’s gonna make my eyes bad, but I got special permission because I am a job guy now. I even gots one of those ties with the clips like my dad wears to work. I look so amazing. The other workers look stinky. Idk what is up with them complaining about money at this college either, $9.27 is good enough for me! I could buy so many Pokemon with that kind of cash. 

My mom says introduce myself. My favorite animal is ligers and I like puffy cheetos but my mom doesn’t like cheetos because I get orange on the house. She calls them the devils’ chip. My mom told me this is a college paper. College people say bad words. I heard them say bad words at my brother’s basketball game. They screamed them so loud at the coaches. My brother doesn’t play all that much though, my dad calls him a bench wormer, but I don’t actually think my brother looks like a worm so I don’t really understand. 

Dad sleeps on the couch now. That’s a secret, though. My mom told me not to tell anyone but I already told my best friend Josiah because he told me his dad sleeps on the couch all the time too and makes sad noises. Josiah is my bestest friend but it used to be Michael but Michael didn’t ask me to be my twin on twin day for spirit week but Josiah did so we are best friends now. If you’re reading this Michael; fudge you and your new best friend Bartholemew. I heard he poops himself anyways. 

At recess today I totally won tag because Ella cheated and tagged me but I said no tag backs so she can’t tag me back and then the bell rang so I won and Ella lost. I hate her. My mom says I’m not allowed to say the h-word but I’m not saying it I’m writing it. 

During nap time today I couldn’t fall asleep so Miss Clarkson got mad at me and moved my star down to the red zone but it wasn’t even my fault because my mom left her coffee out on the counter and I wanted to take a sip. She gots so mad at me and told me when its an Irish morning I shouldn’t taste her drink. But I hate school and I hate naptime. I can’t wait to be 16 so that I can work all night in the meatpacking plant!