by Dale Bell

NOLLAN HOUSE—In a press conference held late last week, college officials announced that they would be giving in to demands from student groups to make Grinnell more transparent. Small and sad organizations like the Union and the S&B had been pushing the College to adopt more transparent processes for years, but it was only after the most powerful student organization on campus, the B&S, threw its support behind the measures last week, that the College announced they would be ceding to student demands. 

For more on this story, the B&S spoke with Administration official Markus deSade: “At Grinnell, we believe in values and value beliefs, one of which is now transparency. After hearing the overwhelming support for increased transparency among the student body, we knew that it was our duty to respond to these requests in the most perplexing way possible. So, together, with our crack team of administrators, magicians, and magical administrators, we are happy to introduce Grinnell 2.0, Transparent Grinnell!”

Before B&S reporters could ask any follow up questions, deSade started to rapidly disappear. “Transparent Grinnell!” he cried as left the Pubs Office, the amorphous silhouette of the man that started the interview.

It seems that occurrences of spontaneous transparency across campus have become much more frequent in the time since the Administration announced their new policy. 

“I usually have a class in Steiner Hall on Thursdays,” said second-year Quentin Falcromb, “But it just wasn’t there when I tried to find it, just a patch of grass. When I tried to walk through it though I hit this invisible wall. After half an hour of trying to find it I finally managed to open the door and, like, everything inside was still there? It’s fucking weird.”

While searching for more students to interview, B&S reporter were waylaid by a talkative patch of air that claimed to be third-year Cynthia Goulman:

“I thought that when they said Transparent Grinnell, they meant like, funding processes, or hiring and firing, not this. When I woke up this morning I was just gone, when I put on my clothes they disappeared too. It’s terrible, people keep bumping into me and I’m getting marked absent for all my classes!”

In an effort to combat the increased student transparency the Administration has released a list of recommendations for students who find themselves transparent. The recommendations include, wearing extra perfume or cologne, sewing bells onto your clothing, and not asking for things which could be humorously misinterpreted.

Confusion about the transparency policy has run rampant across campus with one student saying:

“I just don’t understand how it works, apparently it hit the wall of my dorm room over night so when I woke up I was staring directly into my nextdoor neighbor Jerry’s eyes. Look, Jerry’s fine and all but I need privacy. Also my neighbors on the floor below have this weird exhibitionist thing going on so now I can’t look down without getting a lot more than I bargained for.” 

As transparency continues its spread across campus, some students have begun to fear for their futures: “How am I going to apply for jobs like this?” Goulman asked the B&S. “How am I supposed to live?” She says she’s made multiple trips to the CLS to beg for help, but nothing’s come of it: “Whenever I go, there’s no one there.” 

As of press time, several pedantic buzzkill students began pointing out the seeming inconsistencies in how the transparency is conceptualized and applied. Unfortunately the B&S was unable to take comments as they were all hit by a meteor.