By Catherine Terelak

This Decision Season, the B&S has teamed up with the Department of Admissions to address prospective parents’ burning questions about life at Grinnell College. Submitted anonymously, each of the questions selected for publication addresses a core aspect of the Grinnell experience, and we at the B&S have tried to answer as honestly as possible. 

 

Q: Do students have sex?

A: Yes.

 

Q: Are there drugs on campus?

A: Yes.

 

Q: What’s the drinking culture like?

A: Yes. 

 

Q: Are you drunk right now?

A: *gurgling noises* 

 

Q: What’s the food like in the Dining Hall?

A: It’s served three times a day, trough-style. Typically, you have your dry feeds, your slops, and your giblets. Cold gruel is available all week, but Sunday is Hot Gruel Day! The line is a mile long and you have to perform a special dance to get your food. 

 

Q: What kind of activities are available on the weekend? 

A: Well, we covered drinking and doing drugs, so that leaves sleeping and homework.

 

Q: Is the workload manageable? 

A: The workload is manageable as long as you never expose it to sunlight, never get it wet, and never, ever feed it after midnight. 

 

Q: Are there any local businesses students would recommend?

A: There are plenty of great places to buy porn, fireworks, and guns between here and Des Moines. Just pull over at any billboard depicting a naked woman, an explosion, a semi-automatic weapon, or any combination thereof. 

 

Q: What are the best study spots on campus?

A: My favorite is Burling Fourth, amongst the cobwebs and rotting periodicals, but if your child focuses best under conditions of total sensory deprivation, Noyce Basement is best. 

 

Q: Is the travel to and from Iowa difficult?

A: After Winter Break, I lost two members of my wagon train, Prudence and Jeremiah, but casualties are always to be expected. Inoculation is recommended, as well as a healthy supply of dehydrated meats and pickled preserves. 

 

Q: Is it easy to make friends at Grinnell?

A: Sure. The trick is to approach people slowly and avoid sudden movements. 

 

Q: My son, Christian, has been in advanced math classes since middle school – but, don’t get me wrong, he’s not one of those STEM kids with no life, he’s actually very balanced. You know, he was an early talker too, it must have been around eight months when he started vocalizing. Anyway, he won his elementary school’s creative writing contest two years in a row. He submitted this poem, it was in haiku form, and the teachers thought it was just spectacular. We think that his preschool really helped develop his intelligence, it was very selective, for ‘gifted and talented’ toddlers only, Christian really thrived there, he was ahead of all of his classmates on color identification. Anyway, will Grinnell be rigorous enough for my lovely baby boy?

A: Christian will drop out in his first month.