By Dale Bell

COWLES HALL– In a move that’s been lauded as “innovative,” “cost-effective,” and “absolutely inhumane” the Grinnell Administration announced this week that they will be phasing in a new ‘Shower Swipes©’ system in buildings across Grinnell. 

The system, which takes inspiration from DHall’s swipe-based meal setup, is meant to fill the gap in revenue created by a devastating loss in Anne Harris’s biweekly, high stakes, Liberal Arts College presidents-only poker game, where Haverford President Wendy E. Raymond walked away with half of Grinnell’s endowment, Ben Newhouse, and Steiner Hall. FM has already installed card readers outside of each shower stall and Grinnell has implemented several ‘Shower Plans®’ on the housing portal where students can select from a variety of pre-made plans that allot them a certain number of showers per week. 

As of now, the plans are listed as Clean Freak, which allots 12 showers per week, Normal, which allots 7, Unhygienic, which allots 4 and 2 random water-balloon ambushes, Rank, which allots 3, Vile which allots 1 and a hose-off from Campo, and CS Major, a rain-based option, which is free.

The Administration has also announced the inclusion of ‘Shower Dollars©™’ which can be used to alter the temperature of the water, or to increase or decrease the water pressure. 

In an effort to mitigate fears of shower fraud, the Administration has also announced the placement cheery checkers in ‘high risk’ areas. 

“I wasn’t a huge fan of the new system, but I thought at least since I have a shower in my apartment it wouldn’t be too much of an inconvenience,” said third-year Julian Clunk, “But a couple days ago, when I got back to my dorm after a particularly long night and wanted to wash off, I saw this shadowy figure sitting, cross legged, in front of my shower. I tried to scream but a wrinkled hand covered my mouth and I heard this voice whisper ‘Hello young man, my name is Glenda.’ She doesn’t eat, she doesn’t sleep, she just sits there, waiting for me to swipe.”

For students on the go, the Administration has provided the opportunity to use ‘to-go showers’ at any cheery checker staffed bathroom. 

“I honestly don’t know what they were thinking with that,” said first-year Karl Flowers. “I decided to give one of those ‘to go showers’ a try at the Bear and the cheery checker just handed me a bucket of water and sent me on my way.”

As of press time, the College has announced that, based on the initial success of the ‘Shower Swipes™®©’ system, Grinnell would be expanding the program to include Noyce’s chemical showers and eyewash stations.