By Anne Harris (Edited by Dale Bell)

Editor’s Note: Earlier this week, in an upset that shocked pollsters campuswide, Anne Harris, President of Grinnell College, was elected to every departmental SEPC (Solid Edibles Processing Center). The yearly SEPC (Sexual Exploits Poster Convention) elections, which the B&S has been assured do, in fact, matter, are conducted towards the end of the academic year and often feature departments’ most driven students vying for the opportunity to do whatever it is the SEPCs (Subtle Evening Perfume Collection) do.

Well well well. Don’t we all just love watching democracy in action. The votes are in, the people have spoken, and they have spoken my name. The crowds scream it outside my office, day and night, ceaselessly. ‘Anne Melichior Harris!’ they cry, ‘Save us!’ 

I will.

That’s right you little bastards, I’m on the SEPCs now. Every last fucking one of them. And there are going to be some changes around here because my platform was NUTCRACKER REPATRIATION and I intend to DELIVER on my campaign promises. I’m not like other politicians, I’m true to my word, I’m determined, and I haven’t eaten or slept in a year.

‘But wait!’ You’ll say, ‘you have to be a student to get a spot on the SEPC!’ HA. That’s what Ben Newhouse said, before I FIRED him AGAIN. 

But apparently he was right, you do actually have to be a student to get a spot on an SEPC. 

So that’s it. I couldn’t be on the SEPCs, I’m not a student! Oh pain, oh horrors, I’ve been foiled.

But WAIT, you know Tanya from your Anthro intro? That was ME. What about Frederick from your Poli-Sci seminar? That was ME too. That weird kid who lives on your floor? MEEEEEEE. 

With the help of the Theater Dance and Performance Studies Department, I’ve infiltrated your puny little school. I’ve seen you, maybe I’ve even spoken with you. I am everywhere.

And with my many eyes and many faces I’ve seen everything. I’ve seen the rot and the filth that covers this school like a fog. From my spots on the SEPCs I will launch a righteous purification. I will finish what the hail started. I will wield the power of the SEPCs to break down and rebuild this horrible place in my image. We have entered a new era of Grinnell. MY GRINNELL. Prepare yourselves, return my nutcracker, and make peace with your Gods.

Hey, this is all in good fun, but, serious note here, while writing this article I found myself sympathizing with Anne Harris, as I too have lost something. If you took the bust of Socrates from the Classics classroom, return him to his rightful place, or I will find and destroy you. I promise you that. – William Dale Bell V.

For more see:

Anne Harris Guest Column: No One Leaves Until We Get The Fucking Nutcracker Back

Anne Harris Guest Column: Why You Should Thank Me For Making You Pay More