By Jay Rommel-Ruiz

PARKING LOT– In the words of Grinnell’s Meteorological Correspondent Ricky Ashly, “We’re no strangers to extreme weather. It happens here in Iowa. Derechos and tornadoes are what I am thinking of; but something about this strikes me simply as divine.” The event in reference, of course, is the sudden downpour of golf to baseball size hail upon Grinnell sometime between 4:30 and 5:00 pm on Sunday May 7, the year of our Lord 2023. It was a day of horror and strife, a day of speculation and pondering, and a day of shirtless students and shattered windhsields.

         But the B&S can go beyond pure speculation and exclusively confirm that it was an act of divine providence. God (full name withheld to preserve anonymity) Himself sent the frozen globules as an act of divine punishment for Grinnell’s assortment of sins. Head of the Religious Studies SEPC Perpetua Faith, reached out to God for comment, who said:

         “I don’t know what you expected. It’s the consequences of your own actions! Drunkenness, sloth, envy, and don’t get me started on the lust. You think it’s funny to dress up in cheap lingerie and call it Kink Gardiner. Just because my son attended doesn’t mean I approve! I made sure that that leftist little shit got a face full of hail when he returned. It’s bad enough that he thinks ‘sex work is real work’ and is ‘sex positive.’ I invented the Puritans for a reason! Moreover, he fraternized with competition, Pan, Dionysus, Aphrodite, Freyr, Thor, Loki, etc.….” [we don’t have space nor desire to include the rest of God’s rant but would like to congratulate Jesus for being so radically different from his Father; we made sure to get his email for the party email list.] 

         While the hailstorm appears to be a punishment for lust, hubris can’t be ruled out as a contributing factor. The B&S has received reports from Alice attendees that recently declared classics major, Icarus Ixion 25’ was seen climbing Gates tower with a pair of wax and feather wings.

Faith says that this calamity has historical and literary precedent: “God in his infinite knowledge and wisdom has proclaimed that the punishment for the lustful is to be buffeted aimlessly about by the winds, without control of their own body. Dante clearly illustrates that the punishment/cleansing ritual for pride is to be bent over with a huge stone on one’s back—some might say akin to a student’s backpack. Hail meanwhile is one of the plagues of Egypt. Perhaps Grinnell students are being held hostage, and the thunder would stop if they were allowed to go free through the parted seas of corn.” 

         In any case, the impact of God’s wrath continues to impact campus. It has caused an outbreak of lumps and bumps across most campus vehicles, except those which were vaccinated or using proper protection. Among the casualties include the Popemobile, Anne Harris’ Ferrari, Pope Squeaker, Your Roommate’s Porsche, and the Pimpmobile. My dog’s got a shattered windshield. Additionally, the celebrity skylights Jim, George, Jorge, Jose, Jacky, and Angelina Jolie of Dining Hall fame have been smashed to smithereens. A memorial service will be held Sunday in JRC 101.