By Ky Klassen

What I’m about to share with you is the story of historically accurate institutional entity that I, in all of my naivety, had hastily presumed was a myth. Malarky, if you will, created by an elderly alum to scare off new students and relive their glory days of wreaking havoc on Grinnell. Unfortunately for me and the rest of the Grinnell College campus, I was incorrect. I’m sorry, Grinnell. My apology to you lies within me sharing this story. I wish to attempt to save as many students as I possibly can from experiencing what I have witnessed. Because, as much as I don’t want them to be, these things are very much alive and running rampant on our campus today.

How I became aware of their presence, however, begins on a normal Monday. It started with a simple walk back to my dorm from the HSSC. The route that I take from the HSSC to south campus is not the most optimal one and, in fact, involves a detour through Noyce. This is for many reasons: I’m a wimp when it comes to the cold, I’m scared of the dark, and in reality I like to count as many nerf darts as I can find that remain from that previous Friday.

After making my way through the dimly lit hallways of Noyce, about twenty steps from the door, I noticed there was a man walking just in front of me. It was weird to see another person as it was an ungodly hour to be seen in a science building. “What a studious guy”, I thought, just before it happened.

All of the sudden, his pants dropped down to wrap around his ankles like a scarf to warm his feet. His waistband might as well have been made out of spaghetti, because it proved to be noodly and ineffective at its one job. The man in Noyce let out a gasp as he tried to collect what remained of his dignity off of the floor. But, that didn’t stop me from seeing the patterns on his bright blue briefs: Marshall, Rubble, Rocky, Zuma, and Sky filled the space on his derriere. Laypeople might know these through their group name: The Paw Patrol.

Normally (though how normal is being naked in Noyce), I would have assumed that it was user-error in the pants department. Maybe he simply forgot to wear a belt that day? But, the teeny tiny giggles I heard as this man shrieked with embarrassment had me thinking about a myth that I had heard once. But, no, it couldn’t be true. That is, until I saw the pot of gold they accidentally left behind to the right of my foot.

Thats right, folks, there are leprechauns pantsing people in Noyce. And this is not an isolated event: it is an epidemic. Luckily for you, the things that I have come to learn through my research during my MAP, Explorations of Leprechaun Lore, have prepared me with an adequate amount of knowledge to bestow onto the Grinnell community. After seeing what I saw, I knew I had to share what I know about these lil’ fellas and steps that I am taking to personally save myself from being pantsed. And it’ll only cost you the low price of $1.99 a week. For inquiries, I can be found in the steam rooms of the Bear, awaiting to impart my knowledge unto you as we bask in our own sweat. If you wish to keep your reputation, as well as your pants, it would be wise to find me there. And yes, I accept venmo.