By Ethan Hughes

JRC– The “week of Hell” has come, and some Grinnellians are finding it more hellish than usual. The Student Government Association has required that all clubs create and submit their budget for next year by March 17th. While the B&S just assigned one of our many unpaid interns to the task, we have been informed that other student organizations don’t have that luxury. 

In the past, club budgets have been loosely regulated, and money has been given out all willy-nilly for stuff like snacks, games and sacrificial goats. This year, SGA and the administration have announced plans to cut down. Grinnell has already trimmed wasteful spending on CAs, downsizing to one for North one for East and two for South campus, the troublemakers. Plus, Dhall operational costs have been lowered by limiting vegetarian options to just raw carrots, shuttering the upstairs dining area and skimming hours off of workers’ pay. Now, administration embarks on a push to root up corruption and abuse from student organizational funds. 

The administration has now declared that “due to inflammation, [sic] all student organizations will have to thoroughly justify their purchases and that every penny must be thoroughly accounted for.” Clubs can earn deductions from the limited pool of money for their dependents and for every hundred dollars of tuition money they bring in.

Grinnell also plans to cut down on worthless clubs by combining all similar clubs. An email announcing these changes, sent to all club presidents said “The college does not need a Chess Club, a Board Game Club and a Card Game Club. Having both Quiz Bowl and Pub Quiz is redundant, too. I know you are all a bunch of antisocial losers but you can’t just all avoid each other in your own little clubs.” 

 The Chess Club president Arnold Sworthmore responded all to the email claiming “Chess is so different from those silly board games or the trading card games that just steal your money. Chess is an art form, it’s like a sport for the mind unlike chutes and ladders or whatever the troglodytes at board game club play.” The football team appearing to take offense at chess being called a sport forcefully drafted every member of the chess club into the team. Next season the Pioneers are expected to have the best chess playing college football team in the states.  

When asked for comment SGA responded “We are sick and tired of you ninnies suckling at the college teat. If you want a freaking bag of doritos while you galavant around Noyce playing with your little Nerf Guns, buy them yourselves. The college can no longer bankroll your idiotic organizations and their wasteful spending. We are running a place of higher education here, not a daycare!” The administration then placed the members of the SGA back in their training crate until they were needed again. 

Most clubs report members feeling completely bewildered and stressed by the new system, not wanting to be left out in the cold without a hotel in the Iowa winter when they go to a tournament for a weekend because they made a mistake on their W-2 form. Bale Dell, representative of Quiz Bowl and resident of room 191 in Cowles Hall, anonymously gave a statement to the B&S. His voice has been disguised to protect his identity. “This new system is just nutty. I mean we don’t even know when or where we will be competing next year let alone what it will cost. Why are these new rules even necessary? We were just staying at the nearest 10 star hotel. It’s not like we were wasting money at a Super 8 or anything. This whole club waste thing is just an excuse.” 

The new budgetary crunch has left many clubs searching for solutions. The accounting club declared the formation of another sub-club on money laundering, but it is suspected to be a dummy club used to funnel money to the accounting club. The beekeeping club has tried to claim each individual bee as a dependent. Stand-up comedy club has tried to emulate Monster Inc. and create energy from laughter to sell back for a profit. Unfortunately all these plans have been found ineffective so far.