By Ethan Hughes 

BURLING LIBRARY – Last week many, Grinelians reported “anxiety and terror” as another round of class registration loomed over them. B&S reporters believe this to be the second, or maybe third round, although reports from students, staff, and administrators heavily conflict. A quote from third year Morgan Paige, who we found sobbing in a cranny under the Burling jungle gym: “Why would they make the stress of class registration take three weeks? That’s just brilliant! Plus it’s like so confusing and obtuse as a system. What do they expect of us? To actually read our emails? I get a hundred handshake alerts and student memos a week. I can’t read everything.” 

“What maniac is able to wake up at 7 am?” Paige continued. “I tried but was so delirious I accidentally signed up for a political philosophy course and something called pickleball? Then I didn’t reset my alarm so I slept through all my classes that day, missing a big test in calc. This is absurd! The definition of madness! Who in their right mind thought college students were capable of waking up that early? Now I probably am going to have to retake calc, and my round one priority registration for linear algebra was a complete waste. Ugh. Well, what classes are even left now that I have definitely flunked calc and the rest of my life is over?”

The B&S investigated and found that the only classes with seats open were 6:27am – 10:50 pm MWF Dictionary Analysis, 11am – 12:50 pm TTH Intro Cross Country, and funnily enough, 2:44pm – 1:16 pm MWF  Comparative Herbalism. Apparently, last year’s Hunger Game Policy killed off most of the interest. 

We asked second year Joe Pro, who signed up for Dictionary Analysis on Friday, why it took so long for him to get registered. He stated “I was out with some friends Monday Night talking about how we all want to get into Craft of Fiction but there was only one seat left. I decided to spike their drinks with redbull so they would crash and not be able to wake up at 7. That might be playing dirty but it’s every Grinellian for themselves at this point. But then I took a swig of my coke and just conked out. I then woke up Friday naked in a field and when I looked Craft of Fiction was already full.”  In the middle of the interview, Pro got an email with the syllabus for Dictionary Analysis: students will be required to produce a dictionary for a fantasy language, which must contain 20000 unique words. Weekly 5 page essays analyzing the specific word of the week and a 30 page final paper defending alphabetical sorting will also be required. 

We asked fourth year Emma Tree, who survived last year’s Comparative Hunger Games, how she ended up in Intro Cross Country for their last semester. “I went around breaking into everyone’s room and setting their alarms for 8am so I would definitely get my class, but then I forgot to set my own alarm for 7 and am now stuck in Intro Cross Country! It’s gonna be hell, 2 hours of running and then I have to sprint to DHall before it closes.” 

“What major are you graduating with?”

“Wait what? I have to pick a major? I thought I just had to take a couple of classes each semester. Oh. Fuck” 

We cut the interview short as Tree decided to set up her first meeting with her tutorial adviser in the past 7 semesters.

We asked an anonymous student found dragging a lumpy trash bag behind the JRC to the dumpsters how their registration went. Their eyes flicked back and forth, seemingly nervous. They mumbled, “It went well, I got all the classes I wanted.” “ Wow, congratulations, what’s your secret?” we asked. Shoving the odd shaped bag into the dumpster, they responded, “I don’t know, just luck. I was on a waitlist but a spot suddenly opened up.”  They then sprinted away towards the HSSC. They must have been late for a class or something. 

When we asked Paige what their plans for the last round of registration were, they cracked a half-smile, face pale against the putrescent green carpet of the jungle gym. “One thing is certain, Grinellians can do anything. But I am a horrible Grinellian, so I’m just gonna take a gap semester and peace out of this mess. There is no way I am taking Dictionary Analysis.”