By Josh Emrys Payong
We are living in the future. Scientists recently dropped one of their most dystopian bangers yet: a fully-mapped fly brain – all 167,000 neurons – uploaded to the digital cloud with open access to all that might want to subject a wee digital insect (with memories and a personality) to fates worse than seeing your crush dance with someone else at Lingerie Ball Gardner. As sadistic as this technology can be, Grinnellian scientists are proving that this technology can be used for good by applying it to the most noble of causes: the defense of partying hard.
One of the topics discussed at the recent trustee meeting was the impending danger of a most horrific annual event: 10/10. Despite recent developments in harm reduction via safety dogs and sober volunteers, trustees do not believe Grinnellians have the “right to throw it back socialist-style”. Dick Superrich ‘95 explains, “This ‘tradition’ has gone on far too long. Every year, it undermines our efforts to fragment the Grinnell community into easily budgetable cliques. We can’t justify sending another million dollars to Weekend if we keep having to compete with events as big as 10/10! Oh, also, the alcohol is bad too.”
Grinnellians, with their unending desire to Go Forth, have taken it upon themselves to prove to the trustees that “10/10 really isn’t all that bad, and is actually kinda fun,” claims Simon Cerebellus ‘27, “and what better way to prove that than with some old-fashioned scientific rigor?”
