By Bodhi West

With the burgeoning semester basically already ending, as all things inevitably do, ResLife has announced changes in how housing will be organized for the next academic year. “From corralling first-years like the livestock they are to finally stopping the gays from smoking that crisp Mary Jane, we’re really going all out,” said Jack Frost-Lalala, a College housing director. 

The most controversial of these changes is the transformation of Dibble Hall from co-ed to female-only, with incoming residents raising concerns over the presence of male residues. 

Sowen Turnips ‘26, a Dibble Hall resident of over three years who was proudly scuttling nude in the rafters when the B&S interviewed him, said the incoming residents should be grateful. “They just don’t get how lucky they really are,” said Turnips, “These incoming females, they are the inheritors to decades upon decades of musk and microbiomes.”

After being hand-fed a dead rat, Turnips continued, “I’m a bit of an aromachologist myself and lemme tell ya, the sheer amount of boystink that’s accumulated here could easily solve the fossil fuel crisis. It’s amazing.”

In reaction to leaked bodycam footage from the encounter, incoming Dibble Hall residents reacted with disgust and dismissal of Turnips’ claims. “Ew, wtf, everyone knows north campus boystink is FULL of microplastics,” replied TOFURKY_XXX on Instagram. 

Another user, Catherine_Def_Catholic, wrote, “This is outrageous. The B&S is giving a platform to a conman trying to advocate for impure fragrances that, let’s be honest, half from the cumstains on the walls. Journalism. Is. Dead.”

In response to this controversy, Reslife has offered an ultimatum: every proposed change, or none at all. With the first-year housing corrals promising to spawn the next strain of swine flu, this has made many critics pause. Without the brand new massive spawning pit of filth and grime, Dibble’s incoming residents, estimated to be composed of from 90% up to 270% biochemistry majors, would be forced to actually fucking pick between biology and chemistry lest they write yet another research paper on some dipshit protein. 

After the ultimatum was made, Jonas Stalk, director of SHAW, encouraged students to seek alternative fragrance sources. “If you don’t like the boystink in Dibble, there are many easy and ethical sources to get something fresh. Your brother’s sock drawer, a boyfriend’s sidepiece, or the local Grinnellian farmers market would all be good sources for boystink, even boysmell if you’re looking for less potent stuff.” 

When asked if there was any conflict of interest present due to the first year corrals, Stalk waved his arms, gave the reporter an ice pack, and disappeared into a cloud of bisexual condoms. The B&S will continue to report on the situation as it develops. For now, we encourage readers to practice responsible hygiene habits and to stay frosty.