By Dale Bell

DES MOINES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT—Early yesterday, sources from inside FM leaked a series of documents confirming that the airport shuttles are intentionally designed for students to spend the maximum amount of time in the airport. The documents included several thousand personalized spreadsheets with calculations, down to the second, maximizing student time in Des Moines airport. 

Speculation as to why the administration would pursue such a path has centered around the discovery of checks, amounting to three million dollars, made out to the college from various airport restaurants including Berk & Chester’s Kitchen + Bar, Friedrich’s Coffee, and Arugula & Rye. However, this theory has been discounted due to the hundred-million dollar expenditure on the quantum computer used to make the maximization calculations, and the use of individual shuttles for every student.

Student response to these revelations has been outraged with protests erupting outside the JRC and SGA releasing a statement vowing to “take action on the administration’s egregious abuse of power, at some point in the future, probably.” Other students have reacted with confusion, Robin Defoe ’24 said “you know, I did think it was weird that the only shuttle available to get me to the airport was two weeks early and would’ve made me miss all my midterms.”

For more on this story, we spoke to Gregory Crusoe ’23, a student who has been stuck in the Des Moines airport since his shuttle arrived three years early for his senior flight back home, a 7:30 direct to JFK in 2023. “I live off restaurant scraps, packs of M&Ms that I can steal from the convenience store, and the occasional bird that flies in the front doors. I sleep in the rafters on a pile of coats I took from the lost and found and I haven’t had any entertainment or communication with the outside world since my phone died a few days after my check-in… hey, wait a second, why are you all wearing face masks? Did something happen while I was in here?”

At press time, the B&S was forced to abandon the story after every member received email notifications saying that our shuttles have been moved up and are leaving immediately.