by Anna Lipari

In what was presented as an effort to reduce waste, Grinnell College dining hall did not provide reusable or disposable plates for lunch on Monday, April 25th. Students were encouraged to eat their meals directly off of serving trays, though small paper drink cups were provided for soups, beverages, and any other food items students would rather not have sliding loose on their trays.

This policy received heavy criticism from students, who voiced concerns such as “I was forced to sign up for this meal plan at $18 dollars a meal and don’t want to get fiberglass and paint flakes in my food,” “I feel like a filthy little pig eating filthy little pig slop,” and “Why can’t the college use some of its $2.93 billion endowment to buy some plates?”

The dining hall is currently far below ideal staffing capacity, and as a result had been forced to use disposable paper and styrofoam dinnerware, a move criticized by student environmental groups as unsustainable. Proposed solutions to this issue included finding a way to compost the disposable dinnerware rather than throwing them away, or addressing understaffing by raising wages for dining workers. However, the college has instead elected to remove plates.

Wait, you’re telling me this is the satirical newspaper? Okay. Fine.

Due to understaffing concerns, the college has hired seventy-two genetically modified mountain goats to eat disposable plates. Students advised to hold onto their valuables.