By: Clare Newman

THE HONOR G GRILL — Recently at Grinnell College, things have been going really well. Everyone has been having a good time, and there are zero problems either immediately apparent or simmering ominously beneath the surface, waiting to bite the ankles of anyone unfortunate enough to stumble. President Anne Harris has just had an immense victory with the union expansion vote. Expanding UGSDW to be able to represent all hourly student workers was actually Anne Harris’s idea all along, and she is working on adding UGSDW as a sub-section of the department of student affairs. Just another beautiful leaf, on a twig, on a branch of Grinnell College’s gigantic and thriving tree of bureaucracy. This plan, she states, will make the union even more effective. 

This Wednesday morning the Dining hall was suddenly fully staffed, with all stations open. However, student workers are not washing the dishes, and neither are they flipping the burgers and cooking the pizzas. Rather, it seems that a very talented witch has come and created magic spells that animated the bowls and mops and silverware carts. Pots and pans have been floating around the dishroom, and the salad bar compartments have been being filled the moment they empty. 

In other good news, absolutely nobody on Grinnell College’s campus has COVID-19. How fun! Additionally, the posters students of color put up addressing racism at the school were taken down almost as quickly as they were put up. And that’s because there’s no more racism at Grinnell College. Huzzah! And cheers to the board of trustees! Student stress levels are at such an all time low that SHAW is being replaced by a dumpster full of cough drops and condoms. Things are going very well here at Grinnell College. 

President Harris says that through “the power of positive thinking” on her part and “a healthy dose of optimism” from the board of trustees, every sink, toilet, and shower on campus are all fully functional. Apparently the college administration learned about manifestation from TikTok and decided to implement the strategy in regards to issues at the school. Plans are already in motion to phase out the current model of the office of admissions and replace it with 3-4 “vibe curators.” The money saved by this plan will go directly towards students. 

Everything is going so well! Everything is going very completely and totally fine. Don’t worry about it! Everything is just peachy keen, jelly bean. It’s all good here, at Grinnell College.