Aries: Upon returning to your hometown, you constantly reminisced about how “everything’s changed” and that “these roads were dirt back in my day”. It’s only been two months, dude.
Taurus: You planned to pick up a new craft like juggling or crocheting. Ended up watching two YouTube videos about it and spent the rest of the week doomscrolling like the rest of us.
By Bodhi West
Cryptids, yes, indeed and indubitably. You’ve heard of Mbielu-mbielu-mbielu, the Montauk Monster, and the Skunk Ape, all mysterious critters that we here at the B&S have encountered at one point in our application process or another, but did you know that Grinnell College has its own cast of spooky varmints? That’s right, we’re not the 6th ranked college for nothing. Here’s a list of the best Grinnell cryptids, loosely ranked in order of their pulchritude:
12: Room Gnomes
These miniature stem majors leave random stolen goods in HSSC rooms to make you think people are reserving them. So if you ever see a single airpod or a water bottle left in a HSSC room, remember that no human person would reserve a room like that. Go claim the room anyway.
By Amelia Mani
Unable to find the time to explore your sexuality due to a surplus of snooty readings? Interested in finally learning what “69-ing” means but unable to circumvent the Google parental controls still on your cell phone? If any of these statements resonated with you, you are not alone. A recent study conducted by a global UN research task force found that students at Grinnell are much, much lamer than the average college student. In response to this crisis of shelteredness, the Center for Careers, Life, and Service has unveiled a new opportunity for Grinnellians to gain confidence and life experience, or at least the ability to take a shot without crying, through opportunities funded by the new “Have Some Fun for Fuck’s Sake” grant.
Through the “Have Some Fun for Fuck’s Sake” grant, CLS has partnered with non-lame universities (a Carnegie Mellon classification) to give recipients the opportunity to be immersed in authentic collegiate culture. These fully-funded trips allow students to take part in the best traditions that college life has to offer, such as keg-stands, the dulcet musical stylings of Fetty Wap, and eating shit on the way to purchase a 2:30 A.M. burrito. By the end of this program, students will have gained crucial knowledge in socializing and experience in being a normal, functioning, human person.
By Nora Mitchell
On October 15th, Campus Democrats invited everyone to a “Meet and Greet” to get to know the Democratic gubernatorial candidate Bob Dirt. The group’s president described inviting Dirt as a “strategic move to win souls” and get out-of-state students to help us “fix Iowa.” When asked if the president of the club was from Iowa herself, she replied, “Oh god no! I’m offended you even asked. I’m from Portland.”
The room was packed from wall to wall with students and professors holding out Ziploc bags hoping to catch a drop of Dirt’s sweat. “I need something I can show my grandkids,” one student remarked. Everyone was buzzing with anticipation, and then he appeared. Dazzling, sparkling, Dirt descended from the ceiling of JRC 101 holding a microphone and singing “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” in a camouflage jumpsuit. “He’s just like us!”, one voice cried out.
By Mazal Haus
As of this semester, mail services have implemented a new, high-tech, military-grade mail collection system that actually notifies students when they receive a letter. However, the system’s new name immediately began to attract more attention than mail services would have preferred. The Indiana Jones-inspired “Jewel Box” seems to have made waves on the Grinnell dark web as a possible source of precious gems such as gold-painted chunks of lead, spiral seashells, and the shiniest plastic amethyst on this side of the Mississippi. The shadiest, bravest, sneakiest members of this well-kept secret underground community immediately leapt to the challenge of a heist, but after evading the top-tier, 11-million-dollar security system, all they found in the so-called “Jewel Box” was overdue bills, absentee voter ballots, and fifteen-dollar checks sent from grandmothers in Maine with a note in shaky cursive to “treat yourself to something nice!”
By Astrid Utting
The college recently received a $11 million gift from the estate of William Gruenwald ’42 and his wife, Joan Hueser Gruenwald. A further investigation by the B&S has uncovered that this generous estate was funded not by their commendable careers, but instead by a true money making machine: the college vending machines.
The rumours are true: those desperate late night $2 bags of Lays later showing up as $20 purchases in your bank statements were no mistakes. After a mere two years, the vending machines have made a collective $11 million. It is unclear exactly how these funds will be used by the administration, which has historically been very responsible with money, according to the administration.
By Maya Comer
Halloween is soon approaching! With the exquisite Grinnellian costume suggestions in our costume guide, you can impress your crush, mog your academic rival, and maybe even become the poster child for Gogue. Let’s dig in.
Aries: Walked in wearing cargo shorts and a baggy t-shirt with a bikini printed onto it. How bold. How daring. How revolutionary.
Taurus: Organized a 9PM meeting for your group presentation on Monday worth 30% of your grade. Nobody came. Obviously. Expect an apology text in the morning.
Gemini: Hung out with your friends on the stairs by Gardner. Cowards.
Cancer: Skipped a 9PM group meeting for the slim chance that your lingerie fit would finally convince your situationship to make things official. You should probably apologize to your group.
By Josh Emrys Payong
We are living in the future. Scientists recently dropped one of their most dystopian bangers yet: a fully-mapped fly brain – all 167,000 neurons – uploaded to the digital cloud with open access to all that might want to subject a wee digital insect (with memories and a personality) to fates worse than seeing your crush dance with someone else at Lingerie Ball Gardner. As sadistic as this technology can be, Grinnellian scientists are proving that this technology can be used for good by applying it to the most noble of causes: the defense of partying hard.
One of the topics discussed at the recent trustee meeting was the impending danger of a most horrific annual event: 10/10. Despite recent developments in harm reduction via safety dogs and sober volunteers, trustees do not believe Grinnellians have the “right to throw it back socialist-style”. Dick Superrich ‘95 explains, “This ‘tradition’ has gone on far too long. Every year, it undermines our efforts to fragment the Grinnell community into easily budgetable cliques. We can’t justify sending another million dollars to Weekend if we keep having to compete with events as big as 10/10! Oh, also, the alcohol is bad too.”
Grinnellians, with their unending desire to Go Forth, have taken it upon themselves to prove to the trustees that “10/10 really isn’t all that bad, and is actually kinda fun,” claims Simon Cerebellus ‘27, “and what better way to prove that than with some old-fashioned scientific rigor?”
By Maya Comer
Editor’s Note: this “Op-Ed” slipped under my doorstep at a crisp 4AM. Despite the lack of meaningful opinion, we have decided to publish this piece as a reflection of the Grinnellian drive for literary excellence, our quintessential ability to be horny literally anywhere, and the desire to vandalize dorm property. Enjoy.
I’m breaking my silence. I have to. I must share my story with the world, put a name behind my YikYak infamy. I promise that I speak with full humility when I describe my tale as inspiring. You see, friends, this is a tale of love and longing in the most unexpected places, of the transcendence of the human experience, of the power of memory and desire. Hear me, for this is my story.
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