Aries: Took odd jobs including (but not limited to): Clown at a pet resort, Leech Collector, Groom of the Stool for an unnamed billionaire, and Referee for the National Quidditch Tournament. We respect the grind.
Taurus: 3-month bender. Surprised you made it back.
Gemini: Fell in love with another counselor at a summer camp. You’ll never see them again.
By Josh Emrys Payong
The nation finds itself in the midst of waves upon waves of budget cuts to essential research funding. Nowhere have these cuts hit harder than Grinnell College’s MAP program, wherein projects across all departments have had to leave students just as unemployed as they would have been if they didn’t kiss their professor’s ass while taking up all of the class’ discussion time. Now they have to learn to chud out by spending a full work week unlocking the new Druid Paragon on BTD6 like the rest of us.
By Maya Comer
The Department of Theater, Dance, and Performance Studies (TDPS) has announced the mainstage productions for the upcoming school year. “We have a great lineup set up,” says Bennifer Quaked, who is directing two of the three shows. “We’ll be first holding a staged reading of Through the Bulletin Board, the famous anti-musical.” A poll of Grinnell’s theater nerds (n = 2) revealed that none of them had heard of the supposedly famous show, nor were they sure what an ‘anti-musical’ even was. When a B&S reporter relayed this information to Prof. Quaked, she rolled her eyes. “It was the biggest hit at the 2008 Port Moresby Inter-Transnational Performance Art Showcase. Absolutely redefined the anti-musical genre. Looks like somebody wasn’t paying attention in my Intro to Performance Studies class.”
By Bodhi West
In the advent of a new academic year rising over the horizon with the 7AM sun, Sniffy Speedball 29’ wanted to reinvent himself, reach out and make friends after a first year slump doing white rock, black rock, and hard rock – and I don’t mean the cafe.
“Sniff ‘29 was breaking residential street speed limits, backwards triple long jumping into his car’s jank ass collision,” recounts Grit Toot ‘29, “He even clipped into the north campus tunnels by accident and just went right out, didn’t grab the ice sculpture down there or nothin’. No one wanted to talk to him after that.”
But all of that is in the chemical past now. Sniffy ‘29 ain’t gonna be a flake no more! He’s on the prowl and ready to make some friends!
By Sophia Levitas-Goren
I may side-eye you when you go to the kosher section on any other day — you don’t want to wait in line at plat, I get it. But this night, rather this week, is different from all other nights and all other weeks. These eight days I am requesting that all of you non-jews go eat at literally any other section. Let’s be fucking for real, do you really want to eat matzo spanakopita? I can promise you, it is not that good!!!!
By Nell Badgley & Conrad Dahm
SECRET LOCATION- The 100 Days Party is one of Grinnell’s most cherished and anticipated traditions. The event traditionally takes place 100 days before graduation and provides a chance for fourth years to act like dirty, low-life sluts, ruin their existing friendships, and conduct acts that they will come to deeply regret for the rest of their lives (or at least the rest of the semester). According to the Grinnell-Herald Register, 100 days is considered “one of the premier parties of the year where the graduating class can show how cool they are.” As the only fourth years employed by the B&S, we, Nell and Conrad, decided to do an investigative report on 100 days.
Our verdict: it fucking sucked LMAOOOOOOO
By Bella Takata
BOHO EAST: Boho East has really good taste in media. He is a loyal friend and has been told by many that he has a “calming vibe”… is he gone? OK he’s gone. Boho is a first year, so fourth years watch out and cougars get ready– he’s coming, and he’ll probably arrive in a maid outfit (if you’re into that sort of thing).
BRIE CHEESE HARRIS CENTER: One time dropped a coffee on an Ochem problem set, but will NEVER drop you. The prettiest graphic designer in the B&S print edition is her face– or so the fellas say. How about this for a witty caption: “BRIE CHEESE HARRIS CENTER AND Y/N– SEXIEST NEW COUPLE ON CAMPUS!!”
By Sophia Levitas-Goren
Shakespeare once said, “Some are born with tummy issues, and some have tummy issues thrust upon them.” Well, dear readers, I seem to have acquired tummy issues from both sources. As a descendant of two Ashkenazi Jewish lines, I am the product of centuries of generational trauma, which all seem to have designated my stomach as their constant battleground. To dumb it down, my stomach genetically hurts. So, as someone who is vegetarian (scared to eat the fish here), lactose intolerant, and a rather picky eater, Dhall has proven to NOT have been promised to me 3,000 years ago.
By Nayeong Kim
As temperatures in Grinnell, Iowa plummet to levels previously believed to exist only in cautionary tales and climate textbooks, one group of students remains steadfast in their commitment to exposed kneecaps: the Sportos. While the rest of campus has retreated into puffers, scarves, and growing existential dread, Sportos continue to traverse the academic quad in shorts, asserting without evidence that their legs ‘don’t really get cold.”
According to several witnesses, the phenomenon has persisted despite wind chills that cause phones to shut down, eyelashes to freeze together, and even D-Hall baby to briefly consider eating soup. Yet Sportos march on, calves uncovered, faces calm, as if participating in a silent protest against the laws of thermodynamics.
By Bodhi West
With the burgeoning semester basically already ending, as all things inevitably do, ResLife has announced changes in how housing will be organized for the next academic year. “From corralling first-years like the livestock they are to finally stopping the gays from smoking that crisp Mary Jane, we’re really going all out,” said Jack Frost-Lalala, a College housing director.
The most controversial of these changes is the transformation of Dibble Hall from co-ed to female-only, with incoming residents raising concerns over the presence of male residues.
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