The B &amp; S

By Josh Emrys Payong

We are living in the future. Scientists recently dropped one of their most dystopian bangers yet: a fully-mapped fly brain – all 167,000 neurons – uploaded to the digital cloud with open access to all that might want to subject a wee digital insect (with memories and a personality) to fates worse than seeing your crush dance with someone else at Lingerie Ball Gardner. As sadistic as this technology can be, Grinnellian scientists are proving that this technology can be used for good by applying it to the most noble of causes: the defense of partying hard.

One of the topics discussed at the recent trustee meeting was the impending danger of a most horrific annual event: 10/10. Despite recent developments in harm reduction via safety dogs and sober volunteers, trustees do not believe Grinnellians have the “right to throw it back socialist-style”. Dick Superrich ‘95 explains, “This ‘tradition’ has gone on far too long. Every year, it undermines our efforts to fragment the Grinnell community into easily budgetable cliques. We can’t justify sending another million dollars to Weekend if we keep having to compete with events as big as 10/10! Oh, also, the alcohol is bad too.”

Grinnellians, with their unending desire to Go Forth, have taken it upon themselves to prove to the trustees that “10/10 really isn’t all that bad, and is actually kinda fun,” claims Simon Cerebellus ‘27, “and what better way to prove that than with some old-fashioned scientific rigor?”

Opinion: I Met the Love of My Life on This Toilet So I Had to Take It Home

In Uncategorized

By Maya Comer

Editor’s Note: this “Op-Ed” slipped under my doorstep at a crisp 4AM. Despite the lack of meaningful opinion, we have decided to publish this piece as a reflection of the Grinnellian drive for literary excellence, our quintessential ability to be horny literally anywhere, and the desire to vandalize dorm property. Enjoy.

I’m breaking my silence. I have to. I must share my story with the world, put a name behind my YikYak infamy. I promise that I speak with full humility when I describe my tale as inspiring. You see, friends, this is a tale of love and longing in the most unexpected places, of the transcendence of the human experience, of the power of memory and desire. Hear me, for this is my story.

I Investigated Reslife with my Wet Hands: What I Found was Shocking

In Uncategorized

By Nora Mitchell

I swore to myself if I was ever given a platform I would use it for good, to advocate for others. Now that I’ve been hired at the B&S, the pinnacle of journalistic integrity, I did some investigation to uncover one of ResLife’s deepest darkest secrets.

Last year, when I was a first year, I wound up in the hospital for three weeks with the mumps after using the communal towel someone had placed in our residence hall bathroom to share. It was later in the year and nobody had once washed it. I was desperate and had a moment of weakness that thwarted my long-term health. But here’s the real question: how could ResLife allow this to happen?

Athlete Spotlight: Meet Peanut, the First Ever Canine Frisbee Star

By Amelia Mani

Rising through the ranks of the illustrious Grinnell Ultimate Frisbee team (still accepting new members!!!) is a new star player. Known on the field for his unmatched team spirit and unpredictable urination, Peanut is making history as the first ever canine to enter the cutthroat world of the collegiate-level ultimate frisbee.

“We were just really short on members, honestly,” one Grinnell frisbee player told the B&S. “I guess harassing everyone and adding them to the party email list wasn’t the strat.”

Dear Binston Swongo: Football Blunder

In Binston Swongo

By Sarah Reif

Dear Binston Swongo,

It’s your old friend, The Devil! Hope you’ve been good, buddy. I miss the good old times we had together. Especially our improv and sketch comedy troupe in Las Vegas! We did such important work. Of course, that was before I became President and CEO of Grocs.

I must admit, Binny, I actually write to you on business. I made a little visit to campus a couple weeks ago and I think I may have made a dire error while there. I need your advice.

Great Advice for Shitty Grinnellians

In advice

By Astrid Utting

Editor’s note: format shamelessly stolen from the sage advice account, @greatadviceforshittypeople, which is exactly what a shitty Grinnellian would do

Grinnell prides itself on self-gov, our sacred belief that students can govern themselves. Unfortunately, some Grinnellians take these liberties too far. In the vein of self-gov, the B&S presents the following great advice for shitty Grinnellians:

Reserve a HSSC room with a single airpod

Venmo request your classmate after they borrow a pencil

Email Loose grilled cheese feedback on their cooking. CC admin.

Dining Hall Begs (On Hands, Elbows, Knees, and Toes) For Feedback

By Mazal Haus

New data from Grinnell students show consistently high accuracy for self-report surveys—four out of five students report that their answers always represent honest, unbiased opinions about college life. Now even D-Hall is leaning into this highly reliable method of data collection by humbly requesting student opinions about the new trough they’ve added to the Honor G Grill, where they just kind of grind up the burger patties and let the footballers stick their faces in. Use of the feedback tablet at D-Hall’s exit has skyrocketed from zero to five uses since its implementation, with students reporting that they “definitely see it as they leave”. Many have noted that an animated owl keeps winking “saucily” at them while a millipede in the other corner spreads all of its legs to expose every single penis.

CLS Provides Guide to Networking Polycules

By Bodhi West

With Fall rapidly passing over Grinnell, the CLS has released a controversial new guide on how to stay warm and professionally connected this oncoming winter. Spanning simultaneously over 16, 15, 12, 25, 12, 15, 18, 1, and 24 page(s) of detailed text, the guide describes how to apply for, integrate into, expand, develop, and take over a professional environment for all of one’s networking needs. The environment in question? A polycule.

“The first step is identifying a potential polycule to join,” says the CLS Guide to Professional Polyamory (‘26), “Make sure to be on the lookout for flyers around campus, LinkedIn connections in existing polycules, and groups looking for yet another roommate to split rent with. Once you have found a polycule aligning with your professional interests, then you can look into applying.”

Horoscopes: How Each Sign Spent the Summer Break