The B &amp; S

By Chris Cardenas

In a stunning display of questionable decision-making, Eli Hertz ‘25 took a break from his usual self-destructive activities to stare directly at the solar eclipse without using the recommended “woke glasses.” Friends of Hertz report that he had been on poppers, had minimal sleep, and was likely the reason why Kington Plaza smelled, making his eclipse-viewing experience just another day in the life of a typical CS major.

“I stepped outside to see what the big fuss was about and I immediately thought to myself, ‘holy shit’!” Hertz reported. “I have never seen such beauty unfold before my eyes.” Sources close to Hertz report that this was just his reaction to finally stepping outside rather than an actual sighting of the eclipse, which had yet to commence.

Egg from Weekend’s Easter Egg Hunt Hatches CAFO Chicken

By Edie Worrell

3rd FLOOR JRC– During the week of 4/1, as students gathered back to Grinnell’s campus after an enjoyable two-week long Spring break, finalized by Easter Sunday one college organization announced the beginning of a beloved tradition to take place over the next ten days. Weekend, the college’s premier Weekend organization, began the tradition of a week-and-a-half-long Easter egg hunt throughout the college’s academic buildings after a successful stint last Spring. With students unlocking their dorms and turning back to their work– they were pleased to see an email from the organization announcing the first eggs had been hidden.

Weekend hid the eggs in the early hours of the morning– before any Grinnellians had yet to awake. Eggs, labeled as either “Tier 1, tier 2, or tier 3,” would come with prizes inside depending on their level. Tier 1 eggs would be full of trinkets, while Tier 2 and 3 eggs had a numbered ticket inside them redeemable at certain hours– with prizes ranging from Elf Bars to Higher Hourly Wages. With the email sent to every student’s inbox– the games had begun.

Academic Advising Introduces New Grading System

By Josh Payong

STEINER HALL – “I had no idea how well I was doing in my Philosophy 309 class (The Moral Ramifications of the Foot Fetish) until I got an academic alert,” says Haas Bin ‘24, “but it only confused me more, like what the fuck am I supposed to do if I’m ‘tweaking’ like an ‘Ohio resident post-Grimace Shake’?”

In a recent attempt by Grinnell College staff to relate to the incoming Gen Alpha prospective student demographic, many of the school’s resources and facilities have undergone massive overhauls. In the process, the generational gap between current students of younger and older cohorts has only fuelled the division.

Vivek Ramaswamy Comes Back to Grinnell Again Just to Feel Something

By Bohdin Bright

SAINTS REST — While Vivek’s first and second visits to Grinnell were obvious, due to the national news scandal and the destruction of High Street respectively, the third is much easier to overlook. Nestled amidst townsfolk and recently-caffeinated students sits a sad man in a disheveled suit, quietly sipping a dirty chai latte and staring at a photo of Donald Trump in a locket; a far cry from the energetic presidential candidate of just a few weeks ago.

Dear Binston Swongo: How Can I Run a Successful Business?

In Binston Swongo

By Jude Morgan

Dear Binston Swongo,

I’ve reached my breaking point. As a small business owner, I believe fully that this cruel and terrible world has it out for honest people trying to make a living. I started off as a humble arms manufacturer, just trying to make a buck and change helping out the common folk. Yet as of late, it seems as if society looks down upon hard workers like myself, choosing to favor more trendy ideas such as “ethics” and “workers’ rights” and “undergraduate labor unions”. It pains me even further to see the once great institution Grinnell fall down this path. What’s next? Paid leave? I shudder at the thought.

Despite my many qualms I still continue to exceed profit margins beyond my wildest dreams, but deep down my feelings are hurt. How can I sleep at night knowing that there is no hope for the preservation of tradition?

– A Morally Ambiguous Alum

Purpose of Forbidden Registration Button Still Unknown

By Amelia Vrieze

JCC- After the failed attempted rollout of the preregistration system for next fall’s classes last Wednesday, students began to notice the appearance of a mysterious button on the registration page. Labeled only with a warning to not click it, this button intrigued, tempted, and bewildered many students.

Of course, the first thing any normal person would do when presented with a forbidden button would be to immediately click the button. However, many stressed out college students, worried that this choice might ruin their chances of getting their chosen classes, took the safe, (boring) route. They were left to wonder what would’ve happened if they took the leap. Due to this uncertainty, playground rumors began spreading about what the button did.

Demon Cat Registered as Emotional Support Animal

On March 9, 2024

By Liv Hage

Thursday:

In a historic first for Grinnell College, the schoolwide menace known as the “Demon Cat” has been registered as an official emotional support animal. This decision makes the Demon Cat (now affectionately named Silly Noodle) the first non-animal/human entity to become an emotional support animal. On Friday, the Coordinator of Student Disability Resources Gruyeré Wheeler issued a statement stating that “the ruling to register the ‘Demon-Cat’ as an emotional support animal was made with the utmost concern and care for the student population’s wellbeing—we expect that this pairing will greatly benefit the greater Grinnell community, and hopefully stop the ‘Demon Cat’ from shitting in the vents”.

Concerts Returns to Campus

On March 9, 2024

By Josh Payong

GARDNER LOUNGE – In response to popular demand, Grinnell’s SGA finally pooled together the necessary $126.22 to invite the first visiting band of this year to play for the students: Crawling Charleston.

The alternative indie postmodern garage-pop funkster heavy grunge new folk psychobilly band first rose to prominence in 2021 with the release of their hit album, “I’m so sad, I’m so very very sad”. This album, which topped the charts for a whole 3 minutes, includes some incredibly highly acclaimed tracks, such as: “So Sad”, “I Hit a Newborn with My 1967 Volkswagen Microbus and my Divorce is Messy, but That’s Okay”, and “Scorpio”.

New “Special Room Draw” System—Everything You Need to Know

On March 9, 2024