By Bodhi West

In the advent of a new academic year rising over the horizon with the 7AM sun, Sniffy Speedball 29’ wanted to reinvent himself, reach out and make friends after a first year slump doing white rock, black rock, and hard rock – and I don’t mean the cafe.

“Sniff ‘29 was breaking residential street speed limits, backwards triple long jumping into his car’s jank ass collision,” recounts Grit Toot ‘29, “He even clipped into the north campus tunnels by accident and just went right out, didn’t grab the ice sculpture down there or nothin’. No one wanted to talk to him after that.”

But all of that is in the chemical past now. Sniffy ‘29 ain’t gonna be a flake no more! He’s on the prowl and ready to make some friends!

First, the targets. The people he met in tutorial all filed a restraining order so they’re a no go. Sniffy ‘29 wasn’t part of any clubs his first year. Not out of a lack of interest or anything, it’s just that between all the rail and his classes he didn’t find the time. That leaves either his current classes or the Grinnell community at large and god be damned if they were ever letting Sniff ‘29 step 5 feet outside of campus, so current classes it is. 

Next, the location. It’d have to be somewhere Sniffy ‘39 has class and it’d preferably have a minimal amount of exits – not for any nefarious reason, just having one door would make the Feng Shui of the room easier to determine – but still have an unusually high number of people present. There would be only one such place.

What is this place? Why would anyone trust Sniffy ‘29 to be there? A key aspect of Sniffy’s ‘29 personhood has been hidden until now in order to keep you engaged, dear reader, and that is that Sniffy ‘29 wants to be a teacher. Yes, this means exactly what you think it does. Sniffy ‘29 has access to the Grinnell College Preschool Laboratory as part of an education course, a regularly hidden facet of the College’s curriculum that isn’t even a concentration. 

The stage is set, the unsuspecting audience guaranteed to be captive. Finally, the method of friend making: scrabble. Long story short, some of the subjects got into the stash, made the place a ‘tornado’ with ‘sleet’ and ‘hail’. Calls were made, not all were made in consideration of Sniffy’s ‘29 feelings, but, BUT, Sniffy ‘29 did make a friend. A 6 year old ‘45 stayed behind and did some lines with Sniffy ‘29. It was a magical moment, guaranteed to remain in Sniffy ‘29’s memories forever. 

Following this transcendental experience, Sniffy ‘29 received an email. It was from the Division of Student Affairs, simply asking Sniff Speedball ‘29 to ‘please do not do that again’. It was a very banal message, no flourishes or greetings attached and none of the usual information about addresses and phone numbers at the end, just a single line of text. 

As Sniffy ‘29 puzzles over whether to take the email as encouraging, the B&S will stay on the case. Stay frosty, dear reader, and we will see you next time.